BIg WEEK!

Shep devoured popsicles,pre-throwing up. You can see his sticks he collected. The bottom left picture is his trach site bandaged up, but without a trach. And, of course, his trains.

This has been a very special week for our family.

One I don't want to pass by easily.

We're terribly busy. Too busy.

And asking God for wisdom, for ways to not end up here so often.

But especially in the busyness, I feel the need to not let the experience move past me so quickly,

without leaving a "marker."

Something that flags this week, these moments as works of God's hands.

As grace poured out on a boy, and on a family.

First there was March 26th.

It came with self controlled expectation, refusing to put too much hope in what is unknown.

And it left us in a moment we had been eagerly awaiting for 3 years.

That's so long.

And so short.

All at once.

That night, after his decanulation, Shepherd got really sick.

We're guessing it was from one of the processes done during his bronchoscopy.

He started vomiting and developed a high fever and a rash from head to toe.

He just kept saying, "momma,momma,momma."

He was really almost delirious at that point.

In his endless rant of my name, even in that, things were new.

He's a little boy who's never fallen asleep to the sound of his own voice soothing himself, hoarse as it still may be.

His fever finally broke and he slept through the night at the hospital, snuggled between Noah and I on a pullout couch/bed.

This too, has always been impossible.

He's always had to sleep attached to a mist humidifying collar, and they never reach far.

This meant the parent doing the cuddling would be confined to the hospital bed with him, or at home, to his bed with him.

That night, even with an IV and a pulse ox, we stretched it far and long for the luxury of his warmth between us.

And the staff was kind enough to simply leave us alone for the night, which is soooo kind.

No vitals,meds,nothing.

He saturated fine through the night and remarkably just kept breathing on his own, without a trach.

It's all kind of mind boggling to me, to watch him breath in and out,steady and easy and comfortable, and on his own.

He hasn't done that in his entire life, save the 2 days before his heart surgery, day 1 and 2 of his life.

After that it was all struggle, until the trach at 2 weeks.

They felt good enough about things to discharge us by noon that day.

He still wasn't himself.

It's taken him awhile to perk back up after everything but I think he's finding his feet.

To be honest, I think he has a lot of physical healing to do.

But we also think that he has a lot going on emotionally that we don't fully grasp.

He's just not himself quite yet.

The best word I can seem to find for him right now is "insecure."

It's as if so much has changed and he's simply unsure, unsteady, unconfident about how he feels about it all.

He just needs time.

This is all part of God's shaping hand in his beautiful life.

Time in God's hands will do much for him.

I feel that this picture really captures how Shepherd is feeling in this transitional season.

************************

Then there was March 28th.

It's his 3rd birthday.

He was due April 16th. I was going to have a Spring baby,

and get to take long,evening, family walks during those fussy newborn evenings.

But they realized at 37 weeks that this little guy needed to come into the world NOW, so they induced me.

And instead of Spring walks, we were swallowed up by the hospital for 2 months and spit back out in the blistering heat of June.

But I didn't care.

It could of been the cold of January.

He came home.

Shep was still pretty tired from his surgery but we felt the need to celebrate both his birthday and the new found freedom of travel without a bunch of equipment so we planned a day out for his birthday.

His dear sweet L and her husband got him this power wheel "Cars" 4 wheeler before we left for the day. Need I point out what a hit this bday gift was. So I asked him to smile for me...and I got the picture on the right. It's a deliberate rolling of the eyes. Who needs daughters when you have boys like this?

Then it was off to Kankis. This is Haddon's favorite place to eat and we owed him a bday meal here, so, feeling very celebratory anyhow,we headed in to see them blow up our food in front of our very eyes. 2 birthday meals with one visit. We are so efficient.

After lunch,we decided to head over to Pullen Park, which was recently renovated.

It rocked our world. I was VERY impressed.

Oh, and the kids liked it too.

We got to ride a Carousel.

Which was magical.

And the kids liked it too.

At Pullen Park, we rode the kiddie boats.

I was too big.

Dangit!

But the kids liked it.

Then the train.

The wind blowing through my hair on a perfect Spring afternoon.

The kids didn't mind it either.

And they even have a huge playground with child sized diggers.

Although Shep wasn't quite up to the task, super gramma stepped in an before we knew it there was no more sand in the entire playground.

After that, we took the older boys with Noah and I on a paddle boat.

Dreamy.

And Haddon found an inch worm.

And later, we found frozen yogurt.

To finish the day off, I made Shepherd his favorite meal, THIS macaroni and cheese recipe.

Which is soooo not Paleo, btw. (and to fix a funny typo, apparently a few posts back, when referring to our dietary changes, I said we were doing no fat but meant to say "LOTS of fat"...kinda funny, I thought. Just in case you were confused)

It's no grains, but LOTS of protein and fat. SO mac'n'cheese isn't remotely involved.

But it's my baby's birthday so I made a sacrifice and downed an entire crockpot of it.

I'm such a good mother.

To finish off the week, we celebrated on April 1st.

It was on this day, when he was 4 days old, that I rubbed his tiny,fuzzy, strawberry blond head and prayed for him and said good bye and let them roll him away for heart surgery.

Our pastors, our friends, and our family huddled around us for those hours that we waited,

and we prayed.

I had to sit in silence and journal my prayers.

I even journaled their prayers.

It was my way of keeping my eyes on Jesus, instead of wondering what was happening in those monumental moments that the clock ticked away.

Then they came out to tell us that it had all gone great and we could breath a sigh of relief.

But it would be the first of many heavy sighs, few of which carried relief in the coming months, as his recovery went so terribly.

So many moments packed into those months and then the transition to a new way of life with nurses and trachs and equipment in our home, in our life, building memories.

And now we get ready to say good bye to this season and into the next.

And through it all, may we take no gift from God for granted, no matter if it looks like disappointment, or fulfilled expectations.

He is good.

He is faithful.

I can say, like the Israelites in those 40 years in the wilderness...

That God kept our "feet from swelling and our sandlas from wearing out."

May we never forget who keeps us through all seasons and all journeys...

Deuteronomy 8

“The whole commandment that I command you today ^(A)you shall be careful to do, that you may live and multiply, and go in and possess the land that the Lord swore to give to your fathers. ² And you shall remember the whole way that the Lord your God has led you^(B)these forty years in the wilderness, that he might humble you, ^(C)testing you ^(D)to know what was in your heart, ^(E)whether you would keep his commandments or not. ³ And he humbled you and ^(F)let you hunger and ^(G)fed you with manna, which you did not know, nor did your fathers know, that he might make you know that ^(H)man does not live by bread alone, but man lives by every word^[a] that comes from the mouth of the Lord. ^{4 (I)}Your clothing did not wear out on you and your foot did not swell these forty years. ⁵ Know then in your heart that, ^(J)as a man disciplines his son, the Lord your God disciplines you. ⁶ So you shall keep the commandments of the Lord your God by walking in his ways and by fearing him. ⁷ For the Lord your God is bringing you into a good land, ^(K)a land of brooks of water, of fountains and springs, flowing out in the valleys and hills, ⁸ a land of wheat and barley, ^(L)of vines and fig trees and pomegranates, a land of olive trees and honey, ⁹ a land in which you will eat bread without scarcity, in which you will lack nothing, a land whose stones are iron, and out of whose hills you can dig copper. ¹⁰ And you shall eat and be full, and you shall bless the Lord your God for the good land he has given you.

¹¹ “Take care lest you forget the Lord your God by not keeping his commandments and his rules and his statutes, which I command you today, ^{12 (M)}lest, when you have eaten and are full and have built good houses and live in them, ¹³ and when your herds and flocks multiply and your silver and gold is multiplied and all that you have is multiplied, ^{14 (N)}then your heart be lifted up, and you ^(O)forget the Lord your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of slavery, ¹⁵ who ^(P)led you through the great and terrifying wilderness, ^(Q)with its fiery serpents and scorpions ^(R)and thirsty ground where there was no water, ^(S)who brought you water out of the flinty rock, ¹⁶ who fed you in the wilderness with ^(T)manna that your fathers did not know, that he might humble you and test you, ^(U)to do you good in the end. ¹⁷ Beware ^(V)lest you say in your heart, ‘My power and the might of my hand have gotten me this wealth.’ ¹⁸ You shall remember the Lord your God, for ^(W)it is he who gives you power to get wealth, ^(X)that he may confirm his covenant that he swore to your fathers, as it is this day. ¹⁹ And if you forget the Lord your God and go after other gods and serve them and worship them, ^(Y)I solemnly warn you today that you shall surely perish. ²⁰ Like the nations that the Lord makes to perish before you, ^(Z)so shall you perish, because you would not obey the voice of the Lord your God.

BIG Day!

I will post pictures of the man of the hour soon,

but, what you really want to know is how he's doing.

I've been back in recovery all this time and my mom just took over so I could grab a bite to eat.

But that's not really what you want to know either,is it?

You want to know if he got his trach out?

well...

That beautiful piece of plastic that God used to save our son's life and has been attached to his body for three years...

is no longer in his neck.

It currently is laying on the hospital bed, in the corner of the sheet.

They were back with him for far longer than any previous bronch which made us feel sure they were doing something back there.

The ENT surgeon said it went better than expected. They had do a lot of stretching to his airway to laser out the tissue. They also didn't get it all but didn't feel as thought they needed to. She said the rest often shrivels up once the trach is gone.

When they first brought me back to him he was still groggy from the anesthesia and breathing very loudly, but without a trach.

I had imagined this moment in my mind before. What would it be like to walk in and see my son without his trach and not have to freak out? What would he breath like?

With all the lasering,it swells the airway for a couple of days.

That, along with a possible bronchitis and that leftover tissue,means they want him to stay in the hospital a day or two and watch him closely.

So far, everyone is so very pleased with the outcome.

Shepherd is saturating on his own just fine and everyone feels very good that over the next couple of days, he'll get better and better at breathing on his own.

I can hardly believe it.

I'm so tired.

Wow.

2 days shy of his 3rd birthday.

I couldn't have given him a better birthday present myself.

If you want to be praying for us, please just pray that he gets to feeling better. When he's not sleeping he just feels overall crummy and miserable.

And we're still waiting for a bed so he is in the PACU where only one adult can be with him at a time.

I'll get pictures and more details to you by tonight.

Thank You,thank you,thank you for praying and caring for our family.

Bronch #5

(he and his daddy snuggled, since we kept him up late for his midnight night snack of a birthday cupcake and a glass of milk before he had to stop eating for surgery)

They just took him back.

2 days before his 3rd birthday, he's all dressed up in scrubs, and groggy with medicine that will hopefully make him forget that we handed him over to strangers while he cried,

to be taken to the OR,

for his 5th bronchoscopy in his little life.

I'm so proud of him.

I always am.

Last night, we lay on his pillow.

He and I, snuggled nose to nose, saying our prayers,

talking about what would happen today.

He's gotten so much older and was more anxious anticipating this trip to the hospital than he has in the past.

He's consistently been expressing his lack of interest in getting his trach out.

"Me not want my chake out. make me sad," he'd say.

I'm guessing partly because it's all he's ever know,having had his trach since he was a mere 2 weeks old.

And partly, I think, because he knows that when the trach goes, so do his blessed nurses, his dear friends, the women who love him so well and have for so long.

I encouraged him that we'd have to just trust God with the timing of him getting his trach out.

His response?

At first, "Me no like God."

Alright.

Irrelevant.

What matters is that He loves you, my darling.

And,finally, last night, as we lay cheek to cheek,

he prayed,"I hope me get my chake out. Amen."

I'm just so glad we can trust our Heavenly Father with all of this.

I'm so glad I don't have to know what is the best option.

Just to trust the one who does.

If there's anything I've learned form Shepherd's life, it's that much joy can be found in letting go of my expectations and expecting much from God.

Wouldn't change a thing so far.

Shepherd waits and plays with the new train mimi gave him while he gets prepped for surgery.

waiting in pre op with Mimi, watching cartoons with momma, and snuggling with daddy before going back for surgery.

............

The pulmonary Dr just came out to say she was done with her part. I won't bore you with the medical details but she did say that ENT feels like they can at least try to laser the tissue out of Shepherd's airway today. If it's not enough, then they hope to send him home and come back for the rest in a couple of weeks.

Much is still unknown.

He's still back there.

We're still waiting.

But I am encouraged already.

I heard the ENT surgeon speaking about Shepherd in a hushed voice outside our curtain before they took him back.

She explained to the team that he was just a kid who "should be fine, but he's just so weak, and needs time. I give him a 50/50 chance today, she said."

I'd come in this morning, thinking it was a liiiiittle better than 50/50 and it was interesting to hear her describe him as weak because I always see him as so strong.

But I know what she meant.

He's just perfect.

And as I walked away, I praised God for making his airway.

Shaping it into the weak,broken, mess that it is.

It's God's work.

And He is worthy of praise.

I'll let you know what we find out...

whew.

I hate waiting in hospitals, much less the second floor, where the Pediatric Intensive Care unit is. So much pain on one floor of a building...

May God be near to us all.

10 AM tomorrow...

I'm gonna try to keep this short and sweet.

hardy har har.

I know.

But I've got a big day tomorrow and I am just hoping that my new niece wants to stay in warm,beautiful, momma belly through the night.

Any time after noon tomorrow should work just fine little lady.

But if not,I may have very little sleep and a timing issue on my hands.

But why am I complaining?

It's not like I have to push a baby out into the world.

But this marvelous woman will very,very soon.

And I have to admit I have kind of hated the timing of all of this.

I wish my gorgeous sister didn't have to share the arrival of her daughter with the hospitalization of her nephew.

She has been so gracious, loving on me and my boys while she is due any day.

She is beautiful, in so many ways.

If I were Queen of the world and could plan these things, I would say, I am SO SORRY,sis.

But I know that you know that,

I am not.

And we shall trust God's timing on this thing together, shall we?

Anyway.

There have been a number of times since arriving at the Emergency room on Saturday that we have wondered why exactly we were still being kept at the hospital.

But this morning I got word that we were going home!

So I wearily but hopefully drove into Chapel Hill to bring my family home.

Noah and I had switched off duties the day before(Noah in the hospital,me at home with the older boys)

I decided that what we needed was a picnic.

My poor albino child has not seen the light of these GORGEOUS Fall days!

(He's not really albino. I jokingly said that then thought..it is Shepherd)

He can't even leave his room and walk around.

He just has to play games with the blinds, pulling them up and down and watching the constructions crews down below.

So a picnic it was.

Soon after I arrived, one of the ENT doctors came by to inform us that he highly recommended we NOT go home but instead stay on and get tubes in Shep's ears tomorrow.

This whole tubes in ears thing has really thrown us.

It's the kid's first ear infection for heaven's sake.

But after a LOT of questions and much bullying on our part, we feel confident this is the best thing for Shep.

Though we went into the hospital because of Respiratory distress(that can now officially be blamed on the adno virus)

He has stayed on, because of that incident 2 weeks ago(where Shep lost his balance from an ear infection)

Apparently, even after sending us home last time, the airway team has continued to talk about their concern for Shepherd and his loss of balance and infection of the "mastoid."

I now know that the mastoid is a honeycomb shaped bone that is part of the skull and near the ear.

They were planning on calling us to check on him at home, but well, we came to them:)

And upon our arrival,it was confirmed that this "mastoid infection" still remained.

AND upon another 4 days of IV antibiotics this hospital trip,

it still remains!

SO

We can send him home and hope it goes away on it's own,risking things like the spreading of infection to the brain and loss of hearing...

Or he can get tubes put in tomorrow and it will drain the puss from his ears and also give us the option of directly putting antibiotic drops that are 10,000x stronger than oral antibiotics into his ears.

So we chose that option.

But I'll admit, not easily.

I HATE SURGERIES.

NOAH HATES SURGERIES.

NO MATTER HOW MINOR.

Our experience,especially with Shep, is that nothing is simple.

Nothing is cut and dry and he is always in the minority.

So,

true story?

I'm hating this.

And really quite afraid for tomorrow.

NO matter how minimal it may be.

Will you pray with us for tomorrow?

**Shepherd has this virus which is causing him lots of coughing.

This will put him at greater risk during the anesthesia process for having bronchiospasms.

Please pray for protection from this.

**Please pray that we will have peace during the surgery. We've waited through too many surgeries with Shepherd, not knowing if we would have him on the other side. That even small surgeries take us to uncomfortable places.

***Please pray there will not be any complications.period.

If this doesn't work to clear this problem up, there are other, less pleasing options ahead.

He's on the books for 10am tomorrow. It should take 10-15 minutes once he's under anesthesia. We will then stay overnight and prayerfully go home by Thursday.

Sigh.

We're stinkin' tired.

I'm not gonna lie.

I'm ready to push the "easy" button.

But I am also very grateful for the care and protection of God through the hands of skilled doctors and an all too familiar hospital.

And my little guy?

He's downright amazing.

He has endured so much pain and pokes and prods and intermuscular injections....I lost you,didn't I?

The point is he has the most remarkable personality and

basically just rocks our world, along with his courageous brothers,

who bear being away from mommy and daddy and just keep giving,just keep loving,keep laughing...I can't believe I get these people as friends, as children.

So, when I went up to the hospital today,

I brought Shepherd up some necessities.

Things like suction catheters,underwear, pajamas, and dragon suits.

Just the basics.

You know.

Must haves.

Don't you agree?

Completely necessary.

Oh, and if you've never seen a mute child roar like a dragon,

you've not lived.

Thank you for praying with us...

I am going to bed and maybe I'll sleep through the night.

Maybe I will spend the night coaching my sister through the birthing process.

Always an adventure...

***This is a journal entry I wrote out the night I went back over the border from Haiti to the DR. Noah stayed back in Haiti so I was traveling by myself...

It's a good place to start,on the thoughts of my trip****

Sorry it has taken so long, but, well, I am exhausted. And life with the little ones and no daddy didn't slow down upon my arrival.

*******

August 11,2011

I'm sitting here in a beautiful hotel room by myself

and all I seem to notice is the too lush room with a too large bed and the cold breeze of air condition biting me.

And all I want to really do is cry.

Because at the end of the journey, I am here...

and only one page over in my journal (the last time I could find a moment to write)

I was writing of...

Sitting on a hot verandah where the breeze blows by just enough to keep you from crazy.

Anxiety and fear fill my heart.

I have brought a orphaned Haitian boy, whom I care for like a son, to a clinic in this mission to have an operation on his eyes, in hopes that he will see anew.

Only he won't get the kind of operation my youngest son received just a week prior.

No.

This boy's best was a long dusty road-13 hours to be exact-with no bathrooms and relentless potholes,rain,dust and unbearable discomfort and fear.

This was the road he traveled

to get to a small,stuffy room in a Haitian mission,

where all give their best,

but,still, the A/C goes in and out along with the power.

And I hold him while he waits in a room crammed with the elderly,

grandparents with dark, leathery skin, and stoic silence.

And then he bravely marches back,

a boy with no real home, who cannot see.

He marches back with people he's never met or seen,

to face the unknown with only the hope of sight to drive him forward.

He awakes in the arms of strangers, who hand him off to me,

thrashing wildly in fear and insanity from this thing called anesthesia.

He cannot be rationalized with.

This must make no sense at all in his world, now demented by drugs and new experience.

So he yells that I am not his mother anymore!!!

"You lied to me! You said I could see and I can't see!!!"

And he's wild with fear.

And I'm wild with fear and heartbreak.

And I know he's braver than I.

But I hold my fear inside and hold tight to him, who needs me strong now.

"Why are you holding me so tight?! I feel like I'm in jail. Let me go!!!"

"Stop hurting me!!! It hurts!!!"

It hurts.

All I can do is hold him.

A tight hold.

A grasping hold.

And I wonder if we're like this with God sometimes.

Not understanding parts of the process, raging at him that it doesn't makes sense

and "why don't you just let me go?!"

"Stop holding me so tight in this prison of love."

And so I hold him fierce and and try not to cry

until he simply ceases to fight and slumps heavy into my body

and all I can feel is the deep, heavy breathing.

The breathing of peaceful sleep that I had prayed would come soon for him.

They bring a stretcher in and we slowly slump down into a sleeping position,

a boy and a woman who loves him,

together,

one tired piece of human,

bonded together by fear and trust.

And only then do I let a few tears stream silently down.

Slowly he begins to drink, then eat.

And that night we sleep in a tent, on a rooftop, with little breeze,

and sweat beading up on his forehead in the hot Haitian night.

He sleeps in his underwear, with socks on his hands to protect his eyes from wild, irritated hands that want to explore agitated eyes.

His eyes are covered with plastic lenses, taped to his face, blood and sweat rimming the tape edges.

He wrestles through the night, crying out to touch his eyes, to rip the goggles from his hot face,

trying to ease the discomfort.

in our family tent.

On a rooftop.

Shared with many mosquitos.

I am so grateful for this opportunity for him.

truly.

I am so grateful for doctors who know what the "best" looks like but don't cease to practice under less than best conditions.

I praise God for doctors who weep over my child, though they have met him for only the first time.

Who pray prayers of hope over a boy who has had very few people hope for him.

Who know, like I do, that it's boys like him, who have struggled for everything that God uses to to radical things.

I thank them for being true heros

but also for seeing the hero in this young boy.

And being willing to do brave surgeries in a brave place for brave patients.

But with that said...

as a mom...

I also grieved,

crazy as it may sound.

Because I had hoped that he'd be covered in a Diego blanket,

snuggled under covers in my bed.

He'd be watching cartoons in the air conditioning, with an endless supply of chewable bubble- gum flavored tylenol,

a ceaseless flow of clean water and soap to protect him from infection.

But no.

Not at all.

And after it all.

Today, I left him, slumped and crying in a room alone,

back at the orphanage,

because I was leaving him again.

How can I leave this boy when I've brought so much into his life?

I have brought hope.

And I have brought love.

But with these things also comes loss

and pain.

And I feel that I have ushered these things into his life,also.

But I had to leave him.

And I hate that.

while I went back to the boys he calls brothers.

Without him.

Honestly, it just seems wrong.

How can two people laugh and cry and fear and hope for so much together-

and then just part ways to face the unknown,

seperate?

And he a child.

My prayer is this.

That God will use this pain, all of it, to shape him into the most remarkable man,

who will change his world for God's glory.

I told him once and I mean it.

"Great men are men who can do hard things and do them well."

He will have much practice by manhood.

Whatever role I play in his life,

I can only hope that ultimately it brings much more pleasure than pain.

More hope than hurt.

And that he will not be disappointed.

And I don't believe he will,

be disappointed,

because his God will show up in his life,

in His way.

Not mine.

And it will be perfect.

Just heard back.

Still too many small things going against him.

No decanulation.

But we're close.

They will look in 3 - 6 months.

And then the question is more one of timing (they don't decanulate in winter)

The latest would be next spring.

Major problem was that his adenoids are ginormous.

They don't want to do everything else and than have that stop him from breathing well.

Soooo,

they are taking his adenoids out right now.

Then hopefully we go home.

Maybe we stay the night.

Either way,

I just wanna hold my unbelievably handsome son.

They're still working.

I'll let you know more when we know it.

Sitting in the waiting room at UNC.

We go back at 12:30.

Shep hasn't had anything to eat since yesterday evening and nothing to drink for about 12 hours.

He is tired and hungry, but no one else would ever know it...

unless being adorable is a symptom.

Being on the 2nd floor of this children's hospital always has strong feelings for me.

But some times it is stronger than others.

I think the fact that he hasn't been here for any procedures in over a year may be part of why it has kind of surprised me...

but I feel nervous.

And I hate the way this place smells.

And sounds.

And that adorable,chiming, giant pinball machine in the cafeteria...

holds so many memories of a different time and place.

Hate that thing.

And reminded of how much I don't want to ever go back "there."

***********************

They just took him back to the OR.

He was crying and signing "mimi"

but doing well.

The ENT surgeon thinks there is a good chance they will try to get rid of the scar tissue with a laser today.

We'll see what happens.

He's done good with anesthesia with all of the previous surgeries,

but it always makes me nervous.

Praying.

I'll let you know when we know something.

Whew!

photo by Nicole Bricato

Well,

there is much to say...

And I am going to try to be concise.

No promises.

Noah came home a couple of weeks ago from his most recent trip to Haiti and we all breathed a sigh of relief that he'd be home for a while this time around.

The next HaitiLove trip isn't till late October so we figured we'd spend some time "resting" and getting family time in, along with doing some "getting our buts in gear" as far as home life goes.

Don't you ever feel as though, as a family, you only have time to identify a problem and get frustrated by it on a daily basis, but rarely the time to come up with a solution?

Enter:Amazing sisters,momma, and a great leader of a husband.

Amazing sister's job?

Take care of our boys for 2 days and one night, loving on them well enough that they will cry when I pick them up in hopes that I will simply leave them there forever.

Done.

Amazing husbands job?

Make sure we have 2 full days of no cell phone and no leisure internet and pure focus.

And so we set out on our staycation focused on getting focused.

We stayed at my mom and dads beautiful home while they were out of town and went to cool coffee shops,etc.

We spent day 1 identifying things that don't "work" well in our lives and how we could fix them together as a team.

Then day 2 was devoted to implementing ways to accomplish our ideals.

We wrote our family's mission statement,came up with a schedule for everyone that will help us actually DO what we hope to DO with our lives.

Bought Auggie an underground fence.

You know stuff like that, so I can stop chasing my dog through the neighborhood when I simply let her out to go pee.

I do NOT have time for that.

Or patience.

It's the simple things.

But we took the time to DO something about it so that we can be more freed up to do what we believe God really wants us to DO.

SO that was that.

And it was AMAZING.

But even as we tried to rest and relax post Haiti.

Haiti has come a callin'.

photo of Noah with his girl by Meagan Meekin

As some of you may know, we have been trying for over a year to pursue the adoption of a brother and sister who live in the orphanage in which we work.

The boy, M, is blind with congenital cataracts and we have been attempting to get them both here on medical visas, but have continued to hit closed doors.

We also recently hit a closed door with the adoption.

The lawyer we are working with in Haiti has become concerned that Noah's age is going to be a problem.

You are supposed to be 35 and he is only 32 1/2.

That's a 2 1/2 year difference folks.

tear.

We feel hopeful that God will make a way around this but until he makes that "way" clear, we are on pause as far as the adoption goes.

We have plenty of money to continue to raise during this waiting season.

We will continue to work on that and continue to love these precious children in ANY way we can.

They have not been left as orphans, just like Jesus has not left us as orphans.

They have a father and mother to advocate for them and care for them, even when we are limited in our ways to do that.

And we are willing to do this for as many years as it takes.

Yikes.

This week, we were given a major opportunity to do just that.

A dear friend found a team of US surgeons going to the Northwestern part of Haiti to do cataract surgery.

They want to perform surgery for "M" in hopes that he will recover some of his sight!

This is a relatively simple procedure, though made riskier by being done in Haiti.

His post op will be a week of keeping everything really clean (not conducive to Haiti) and staying calm, along with a months worth of eye drops 4x a day.

At first, it was clear for a number of reason, which I will share in a moment, that I could not accompany "M" for his surgery.

This broke my heart.

As a mom who has already walked through multiple medical procedures with her son and having a great heart for children facing this type of life, I was devastated to realize what this really meant.

I tried to be realistic.

But when I would think of not being there with him as he walked this road. When I would think of not being there when he gets to see more than he ever has his entire life...

more tears.

Lord, am I being dramatic?

Or high maintenance?

Should I just accept this as your plan?

I went running.

And prayed.

(For some reason running and praying go hand in hand for me.When I really need to hear from God, this is the best way to go about it.)

So I ran.

And tried to problem solve.

Which for me is, no joke, an impossibility.

I just kept hitting walls in my mind.

And there are many walls.

But as I ran and prayed, all I could think is that no matter when or if they ever come home, their heavenly father loves them SO intensely.

I wasn't getting any major revelations here about "the plan."

Just the constant, intense compassion.

We had spoken with them earlier in the day on skype and, as we often do, when they ask for the impossible (like when are we taking them home with us, or when are we bringing Aslan to Haiti)

we asked them to pray.

We told them that God must do these things.

And we must wait.

And as I ran, I begged God to be faithful to them.

To make his nearness to them evident and not let them be put to shame in their asking big things form Him.

And I cried some more.

The next day, on our staycation date, I shared this with Noah, my realist.

And my problem solver.

I love this man.

Not only because I literally couldn't solve the problem of how to walk and chew gum at the same time without his methodical mind.

With me being a dreamer, the details boggle me,

literally.

And he totally gets the details.

Thankfully.

And the reason I love him is that he helped me think through what the real problems were, keeping me from "M"s bedside in Haiti.

And there were plenty.

And I teared up, telling him how I would feel to miss out on this big moment in this very special boys life.

How it would grieve me to see a video and not be there,touching him, hugging him,holding him.

And then he said,

"Well, if that's how you feel, and you know what you should do...then get to doing it."

In a firm,decisive, non emotional way.

All the ways I don't know how to do.

well, um, ok...

but what about how much money it would cost for you and I to go...

what about the timing....

what about...

all the problems I don't know how to solve?

photo of "M" by Meagan Meekin

You see there was also the MAJOR problem of our sweet Shepherd.

No, he's not a problem.

Get this.

We've been trying to help "M" for about a year.

And when help comes, it came for Aug 8th,2012.

In Haiti.

Meanwhile on Aug 8,2012.

In Chapel Hill,NC.

Another Joyner boy is scheduled for his first bronchoscopy in over a year.

This is the procedure where they sedate Shep and examine his airway and decide wether or not they should try to take his trach out.

Remember last year?

Problematic,right?

The gears in my mind were seriously jammed.

So here's where we are.

UNC was willing to squeeze Shep in for a week earlier, which is THIS monday, August 1st.

And some other details were able to come together to make this possible.

SO, I will wait until Monday afternoon to see wether or not I go to Haiti to be with "M."

If Shep gets his trach out...

well, wow. That would be something else entirely.

And I would not go to Haiti.

But Noah will.

He buys his ticket today.

A one way ticket.

We aren't sure how it will all go down, but we want to love this precious boy in Haiti well.

The only way we feel we can be sure that he is getting the post op care he needs is to be the ones to give it to him.

Remember the month of eye drops?

Well, at this point, it's possible that Noah will be staying in Haiti for a month to administer eye drops.

Alongside that, he can do lots of work for HaitiLove and maybe even make some adoption connections.

If Shep does not get his trach out, then I will immediately purchase a ticket Monday afternoon and fly out Aug 6th with Noah.

I will only stay a week,though.

We're only 1/2 crazy, folks.

And then I'll head home to my other babies,

without hubby.

I know I feel it,too.

Yikes!

On Soooo many levels.

Wow.

I hardly know if this makes any sense to you all.

It hardly makes sense to me.

It's a lot.

Please pray with us.PLEASE.

1.For "M"'s surgery. That it will go smoothly and his sight will be restored in ways no one could hope.

2. For the trip to Haiti. That Noah will get much done for HaitiLove and that God will enfold him in grace and provision for this time.

3. That God would use this trip to give us favor with the government and build advantageous relationships for the adoption and the future.

4. For Shep's bronch. That God would protect him during the procedure and do His perfect will in this remarkable boy's life.

5. Finances. God has provided money for our adoption and I will use some of it for going to be with "M." But both Noah and I going is a huge expense and I hope to not use it all for this trip. But if I do have to use a lot of it, pray that I will trust God to continue to provide as he has in the past as needed to move forward in the adoption.

Also, if anyone happens to have airline miles they've acquired in their travels that they would like to donate for this trip, that would be a huge blessing.

6. Everything I am forgetting or is too much to say!!!!

Our boys.

My mom, as she watches them, IF I go.

blah,bah,blah

Let the Holy Spirit lead you.

Seriously.

There's so much.

I'm scares.

Excited.

nervous.

This is all so God sized.

May I trust you, Father.

Regardless of the outcome.

Psalm 112:6-8

English Standard Version (ESV)

⁶For the righteous will never be moved;
he will be remembered forever.
⁷He is not afraid of bad news;
his heart is firm,trusting in the LORD.
⁸His heart is steady; he will not be afraid,
until he looks in triumph on his adversaries.

whew.

This is bigger than me and I need God to do his thing and get me out of the way.

Because he doesn't make mistakes.

Thank you guys for always praying my family through the impossible.

I'll let you know how Monday goes, but regardless Noah bought a one way ticket to Haiti today, so,

please pray.

And sorry, I lied.

About being concise.

I did try.