BIg WEEK!

Shep devoured popsicles,pre-throwing up. You can see his sticks he collected. The bottom left picture is his trach site bandaged up, but without a trach. And, of course, his trains.

This has been a very special week for our family.

One I don't want to pass by easily.

We're terribly busy. Too busy.

And asking God for wisdom, for ways to not end up here so often.

But especially in the busyness, I feel the need to not let the experience move past me so quickly,

without leaving a "marker."

Something that flags this week, these moments as works of God's hands.

As grace poured out on a boy, and on a family.

First there was March 26th.

It came with self controlled expectation, refusing to put too much hope in what is unknown.

And it left us in a moment we had been eagerly awaiting for 3 years.

That's so long.

And so short.

All at once.

That night, after his decanulation, Shepherd got really sick.

We're guessing it was from one of the processes done during his bronchoscopy.

He started vomiting and developed a high fever and a rash from head to toe.

He just kept saying, "momma,momma,momma."

He was really almost delirious at that point.

In his endless rant of my name, even in that, things were new.

He's a little boy who's never fallen asleep to the sound of his own voice soothing himself, hoarse as it still may be.

His fever finally broke and he slept through the night at the hospital, snuggled between Noah and I on a pullout couch/bed.

This too, has always been impossible.

He's always had to sleep attached to a mist humidifying collar, and they never reach far.

This meant the parent doing the cuddling would be confined to the hospital bed with him, or at home, to his bed with him.

That night, even with an IV and a pulse ox, we stretched it far and long for the luxury of his warmth between us.

And the staff was kind enough to simply leave us alone for the night, which is soooo kind.

No vitals,meds,nothing.

He saturated fine through the night and remarkably just kept breathing on his own, without a trach.

It's all kind of mind boggling to me, to watch him breath in and out,steady and easy and comfortable, and on his own.

He hasn't done that in his entire life, save the 2 days before his heart surgery, day 1 and 2 of his life.

After that it was all struggle, until the trach at 2 weeks.

They felt good enough about things to discharge us by noon that day.

He still wasn't himself.

It's taken him awhile to perk back up after everything but I think he's finding his feet.

To be honest, I think he has a lot of physical healing to do.

But we also think that he has a lot going on emotionally that we don't fully grasp.

He's just not himself quite yet.

The best word I can seem to find for him right now is "insecure."

It's as if so much has changed and he's simply unsure, unsteady, unconfident about how he feels about it all.

He just needs time.

This is all part of God's shaping hand in his beautiful life.

Time in God's hands will do much for him.

I feel that this picture really captures how Shepherd is feeling in this transitional season.

************************

Then there was March 28th.

It's his 3rd birthday.

He was due April 16th. I was going to have a Spring baby,

and get to take long,evening, family walks during those fussy newborn evenings.

But they realized at 37 weeks that this little guy needed to come into the world NOW, so they induced me.

And instead of Spring walks, we were swallowed up by the hospital for 2 months and spit back out in the blistering heat of June.

But I didn't care.

It could of been the cold of January.

He came home.

Shep was still pretty tired from his surgery but we felt the need to celebrate both his birthday and the new found freedom of travel without a bunch of equipment so we planned a day out for his birthday.

His dear sweet L and her husband got him this power wheel "Cars" 4 wheeler before we left for the day. Need I point out what a hit this bday gift was. So I asked him to smile for me...and I got the picture on the right. It's a deliberate rolling of the eyes. Who needs daughters when you have boys like this?

Then it was off to Kankis. This is Haddon's favorite place to eat and we owed him a bday meal here, so, feeling very celebratory anyhow,we headed in to see them blow up our food in front of our very eyes. 2 birthday meals with one visit. We are so efficient.

After lunch,we decided to head over to Pullen Park, which was recently renovated.

It rocked our world. I was VERY impressed.

Oh, and the kids liked it too.

We got to ride a Carousel.

Which was magical.

And the kids liked it too.

At Pullen Park, we rode the kiddie boats.

I was too big.

Dangit!

But the kids liked it.

Then the train.

The wind blowing through my hair on a perfect Spring afternoon.

The kids didn't mind it either.

And they even have a huge playground with child sized diggers.

Although Shep wasn't quite up to the task, super gramma stepped in an before we knew it there was no more sand in the entire playground.

After that, we took the older boys with Noah and I on a paddle boat.

Dreamy.

And Haddon found an inch worm.

And later, we found frozen yogurt.

To finish the day off, I made Shepherd his favorite meal, THIS macaroni and cheese recipe.

Which is soooo not Paleo, btw. (and to fix a funny typo, apparently a few posts back, when referring to our dietary changes, I said we were doing no fat but meant to say "LOTS of fat"...kinda funny, I thought. Just in case you were confused)

It's no grains, but LOTS of protein and fat. SO mac'n'cheese isn't remotely involved.

But it's my baby's birthday so I made a sacrifice and downed an entire crockpot of it.

I'm such a good mother.

To finish off the week, we celebrated on April 1st.

It was on this day, when he was 4 days old, that I rubbed his tiny,fuzzy, strawberry blond head and prayed for him and said good bye and let them roll him away for heart surgery.

Our pastors, our friends, and our family huddled around us for those hours that we waited,

and we prayed.

I had to sit in silence and journal my prayers.

I even journaled their prayers.

It was my way of keeping my eyes on Jesus, instead of wondering what was happening in those monumental moments that the clock ticked away.

Then they came out to tell us that it had all gone great and we could breath a sigh of relief.

But it would be the first of many heavy sighs, few of which carried relief in the coming months, as his recovery went so terribly.

So many moments packed into those months and then the transition to a new way of life with nurses and trachs and equipment in our home, in our life, building memories.

And now we get ready to say good bye to this season and into the next.

And through it all, may we take no gift from God for granted, no matter if it looks like disappointment, or fulfilled expectations.

He is good.

He is faithful.

I can say, like the Israelites in those 40 years in the wilderness...

That God kept our "feet from swelling and our sandlas from wearing out."

May we never forget who keeps us through all seasons and all journeys...

Deuteronomy 8

“The whole commandment that I command you today ^(A)you shall be careful to do, that you may live and multiply, and go in and possess the land that the Lord swore to give to your fathers. ² And you shall remember the whole way that the Lord your God has led you^(B)these forty years in the wilderness, that he might humble you, ^(C)testing you ^(D)to know what was in your heart, ^(E)whether you would keep his commandments or not. ³ And he humbled you and ^(F)let you hunger and ^(G)fed you with manna, which you did not know, nor did your fathers know, that he might make you know that ^(H)man does not live by bread alone, but man lives by every word^[a] that comes from the mouth of the Lord. ^{4 (I)}Your clothing did not wear out on you and your foot did not swell these forty years. ⁵ Know then in your heart that, ^(J)as a man disciplines his son, the Lord your God disciplines you. ⁶ So you shall keep the commandments of the Lord your God by walking in his ways and by fearing him. ⁷ For the Lord your God is bringing you into a good land, ^(K)a land of brooks of water, of fountains and springs, flowing out in the valleys and hills, ⁸ a land of wheat and barley, ^(L)of vines and fig trees and pomegranates, a land of olive trees and honey, ⁹ a land in which you will eat bread without scarcity, in which you will lack nothing, a land whose stones are iron, and out of whose hills you can dig copper. ¹⁰ And you shall eat and be full, and you shall bless the Lord your God for the good land he has given you.

¹¹ “Take care lest you forget the Lord your God by not keeping his commandments and his rules and his statutes, which I command you today, ^{12 (M)}lest, when you have eaten and are full and have built good houses and live in them, ¹³ and when your herds and flocks multiply and your silver and gold is multiplied and all that you have is multiplied, ^{14 (N)}then your heart be lifted up, and you ^(O)forget the Lord your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of slavery, ¹⁵ who ^(P)led you through the great and terrifying wilderness, ^(Q)with its fiery serpents and scorpions ^(R)and thirsty ground where there was no water, ^(S)who brought you water out of the flinty rock, ¹⁶ who fed you in the wilderness with ^(T)manna that your fathers did not know, that he might humble you and test you, ^(U)to do you good in the end. ¹⁷ Beware ^(V)lest you say in your heart, ‘My power and the might of my hand have gotten me this wealth.’ ¹⁸ You shall remember the Lord your God, for ^(W)it is he who gives you power to get wealth, ^(X)that he may confirm his covenant that he swore to your fathers, as it is this day. ¹⁹ And if you forget the Lord your God and go after other gods and serve them and worship them, ^(Y)I solemnly warn you today that you shall surely perish. ²⁰ Like the nations that the Lord makes to perish before you, ^(Z)so shall you perish, because you would not obey the voice of the Lord your God.

BIG Day!

I will post pictures of the man of the hour soon,

but, what you really want to know is how he's doing.

I've been back in recovery all this time and my mom just took over so I could grab a bite to eat.

But that's not really what you want to know either,is it?

You want to know if he got his trach out?

well...

That beautiful piece of plastic that God used to save our son's life and has been attached to his body for three years...

is no longer in his neck.

It currently is laying on the hospital bed, in the corner of the sheet.

They were back with him for far longer than any previous bronch which made us feel sure they were doing something back there.

The ENT surgeon said it went better than expected. They had do a lot of stretching to his airway to laser out the tissue. They also didn't get it all but didn't feel as thought they needed to. She said the rest often shrivels up once the trach is gone.

When they first brought me back to him he was still groggy from the anesthesia and breathing very loudly, but without a trach.

I had imagined this moment in my mind before. What would it be like to walk in and see my son without his trach and not have to freak out? What would he breath like?

With all the lasering,it swells the airway for a couple of days.

That, along with a possible bronchitis and that leftover tissue,means they want him to stay in the hospital a day or two and watch him closely.

So far, everyone is so very pleased with the outcome.

Shepherd is saturating on his own just fine and everyone feels very good that over the next couple of days, he'll get better and better at breathing on his own.

I can hardly believe it.

I'm so tired.

Wow.

2 days shy of his 3rd birthday.

I couldn't have given him a better birthday present myself.

If you want to be praying for us, please just pray that he gets to feeling better. When he's not sleeping he just feels overall crummy and miserable.

And we're still waiting for a bed so he is in the PACU where only one adult can be with him at a time.

I'll get pictures and more details to you by tonight.

Thank You,thank you,thank you for praying and caring for our family.

Bronch #5

(he and his daddy snuggled, since we kept him up late for his midnight night snack of a birthday cupcake and a glass of milk before he had to stop eating for surgery)

They just took him back.

2 days before his 3rd birthday, he's all dressed up in scrubs, and groggy with medicine that will hopefully make him forget that we handed him over to strangers while he cried,

to be taken to the OR,

for his 5th bronchoscopy in his little life.

I'm so proud of him.

I always am.

Last night, we lay on his pillow.

He and I, snuggled nose to nose, saying our prayers,

talking about what would happen today.

He's gotten so much older and was more anxious anticipating this trip to the hospital than he has in the past.

He's consistently been expressing his lack of interest in getting his trach out.

"Me not want my chake out. make me sad," he'd say.

I'm guessing partly because it's all he's ever know,having had his trach since he was a mere 2 weeks old.

And partly, I think, because he knows that when the trach goes, so do his blessed nurses, his dear friends, the women who love him so well and have for so long.

I encouraged him that we'd have to just trust God with the timing of him getting his trach out.

His response?

At first, "Me no like God."

Alright.

Irrelevant.

What matters is that He loves you, my darling.

And,finally, last night, as we lay cheek to cheek,

he prayed,"I hope me get my chake out. Amen."

I'm just so glad we can trust our Heavenly Father with all of this.

I'm so glad I don't have to know what is the best option.

Just to trust the one who does.

If there's anything I've learned form Shepherd's life, it's that much joy can be found in letting go of my expectations and expecting much from God.

Wouldn't change a thing so far.

Shepherd waits and plays with the new train mimi gave him while he gets prepped for surgery.

waiting in pre op with Mimi, watching cartoons with momma, and snuggling with daddy before going back for surgery.

............

The pulmonary Dr just came out to say she was done with her part. I won't bore you with the medical details but she did say that ENT feels like they can at least try to laser the tissue out of Shepherd's airway today. If it's not enough, then they hope to send him home and come back for the rest in a couple of weeks.

Much is still unknown.

He's still back there.

We're still waiting.

But I am encouraged already.

I heard the ENT surgeon speaking about Shepherd in a hushed voice outside our curtain before they took him back.

She explained to the team that he was just a kid who "should be fine, but he's just so weak, and needs time. I give him a 50/50 chance today, she said."

I'd come in this morning, thinking it was a liiiiittle better than 50/50 and it was interesting to hear her describe him as weak because I always see him as so strong.

But I know what she meant.

He's just perfect.

And as I walked away, I praised God for making his airway.

Shaping it into the weak,broken, mess that it is.

It's God's work.

And He is worthy of praise.

I'll let you know what we find out...

whew.

I hate waiting in hospitals, much less the second floor, where the Pediatric Intensive Care unit is. So much pain on one floor of a building...

May God be near to us all.

10 AM tomorrow...

I'm gonna try to keep this short and sweet.

hardy har har.

I know.

But I've got a big day tomorrow and I am just hoping that my new niece wants to stay in warm,beautiful, momma belly through the night.

Any time after noon tomorrow should work just fine little lady.

But if not,I may have very little sleep and a timing issue on my hands.

But why am I complaining?

It's not like I have to push a baby out into the world.

But this marvelous woman will very,very soon.

And I have to admit I have kind of hated the timing of all of this.

I wish my gorgeous sister didn't have to share the arrival of her daughter with the hospitalization of her nephew.

She has been so gracious, loving on me and my boys while she is due any day.

She is beautiful, in so many ways.

If I were Queen of the world and could plan these things, I would say, I am SO SORRY,sis.

But I know that you know that,

I am not.

And we shall trust God's timing on this thing together, shall we?

Anyway.

There have been a number of times since arriving at the Emergency room on Saturday that we have wondered why exactly we were still being kept at the hospital.

But this morning I got word that we were going home!

So I wearily but hopefully drove into Chapel Hill to bring my family home.

Noah and I had switched off duties the day before(Noah in the hospital,me at home with the older boys)

I decided that what we needed was a picnic.

My poor albino child has not seen the light of these GORGEOUS Fall days!

(He's not really albino. I jokingly said that then thought..it is Shepherd)

He can't even leave his room and walk around.

He just has to play games with the blinds, pulling them up and down and watching the constructions crews down below.

So a picnic it was.

Soon after I arrived, one of the ENT doctors came by to inform us that he highly recommended we NOT go home but instead stay on and get tubes in Shep's ears tomorrow.

This whole tubes in ears thing has really thrown us.

It's the kid's first ear infection for heaven's sake.

But after a LOT of questions and much bullying on our part, we feel confident this is the best thing for Shep.

Though we went into the hospital because of Respiratory distress(that can now officially be blamed on the adno virus)

He has stayed on, because of that incident 2 weeks ago(where Shep lost his balance from an ear infection)

Apparently, even after sending us home last time, the airway team has continued to talk about their concern for Shepherd and his loss of balance and infection of the "mastoid."

I now know that the mastoid is a honeycomb shaped bone that is part of the skull and near the ear.

They were planning on calling us to check on him at home, but well, we came to them:)

And upon our arrival,it was confirmed that this "mastoid infection" still remained.

AND upon another 4 days of IV antibiotics this hospital trip,

it still remains!

SO

We can send him home and hope it goes away on it's own,risking things like the spreading of infection to the brain and loss of hearing...

Or he can get tubes put in tomorrow and it will drain the puss from his ears and also give us the option of directly putting antibiotic drops that are 10,000x stronger than oral antibiotics into his ears.

So we chose that option.

But I'll admit, not easily.

I HATE SURGERIES.

NOAH HATES SURGERIES.

NO MATTER HOW MINOR.

Our experience,especially with Shep, is that nothing is simple.

Nothing is cut and dry and he is always in the minority.

So,

true story?

I'm hating this.

And really quite afraid for tomorrow.

NO matter how minimal it may be.

Will you pray with us for tomorrow?

**Shepherd has this virus which is causing him lots of coughing.

This will put him at greater risk during the anesthesia process for having bronchiospasms.

Please pray for protection from this.

**Please pray that we will have peace during the surgery. We've waited through too many surgeries with Shepherd, not knowing if we would have him on the other side. That even small surgeries take us to uncomfortable places.

***Please pray there will not be any complications.period.

If this doesn't work to clear this problem up, there are other, less pleasing options ahead.

He's on the books for 10am tomorrow. It should take 10-15 minutes once he's under anesthesia. We will then stay overnight and prayerfully go home by Thursday.

Sigh.

We're stinkin' tired.

I'm not gonna lie.

I'm ready to push the "easy" button.

But I am also very grateful for the care and protection of God through the hands of skilled doctors and an all too familiar hospital.

And my little guy?

He's downright amazing.

He has endured so much pain and pokes and prods and intermuscular injections....I lost you,didn't I?

The point is he has the most remarkable personality and

basically just rocks our world, along with his courageous brothers,

who bear being away from mommy and daddy and just keep giving,just keep loving,keep laughing...I can't believe I get these people as friends, as children.

So, when I went up to the hospital today,

I brought Shepherd up some necessities.

Things like suction catheters,underwear, pajamas, and dragon suits.

Just the basics.

You know.

Must haves.

Don't you agree?

Completely necessary.

Oh, and if you've never seen a mute child roar like a dragon,

you've not lived.

Thank you for praying with us...

I am going to bed and maybe I'll sleep through the night.

Maybe I will spend the night coaching my sister through the birthing process.

Always an adventure...

Welcoming Seasons

First things first.

I'll give you two guesses as to where I am typing this from.

No! Not the spa!

No! Not shopping my heart out!

No! Not relaxing at a coffee shop while I write!

My next favorite place...

Yup! The hospital! With Shepherd...

Alright so when I say "favorite" I mean

Geeeeeshhh! Enough with the dramatics!!!

Enough with the hospital already!

I hate drama.

I bet you don't believe me.

But it's no joke.

It's why I didn't like junior high..or high school for that matter...or having friends that were girls.

That was then.

I clearly feel differently about the issue now. My best friends are ALL girls.

Well,except that one hot guy I live with.

Anyway.

I am here with unkept,unwashed______________ fill in the blank with hair,clothes,teeth,etc.

And Shep is here in his bed charming the nurses and doctors,while simultaneously trying to take their jobs.

He is trying to suction himself, using the buttons on his bed to pump himself up and down, figuring out how to plug and unplug all of his equipment independently and putting his blood pressure cuff on and off on demand.

He is a riot.

No lie.

Last time we were here, a nurses aid offered to try and find him Thomas the train videos in passing.

He then proceeded to ring the nurse call button on the remote unceasingly while signing"train".

Poor gal.

With him being so self sufficient in the medical realm, they have decided to keep him here to train all the young ones on the 5 Children's floor. With budget cuts and all, if all kids can take their own vitals, they could save some serious dough.

Or so I've heard.

THAT, and the fact that the pulmonary team has decided that Shepherd's history with infection(specifically his numbers in the bronch that was done in August) seem to show that he may have a bunch of nasty bacteria that's been hanging out doing damage for some time.

When they did his bronch they saw what looked like infection and treated him with oral antibiotics.

The head Doc came by this morning and said that the amount of bacteria that the August culture showed would usually slam any kid in the hospital and make him very sick.

Shepherd had no symptoms and no fever at all.

But they chose to give him oral antibiotics at the time.

She feels confident that oral antibiotics would not deal with this strong an infection.

This probably has something to do with the whole ear infection that landed him in the hospital a couple of weeks ago being so brutal,too.

SO, though he's feeling much better, they want to leave him here for a couple of days at least and get him a bunch of IV antibiotics in him, in hopes that he will finally kick these bugs for good.

Sigh.

So glad that we know this now.

Not so glad that my sister is due any day now with my niece and I am her unofficial duola.

And this timing seems,um,less than ideal.

But anything else would be too free of drama, don't you think?

Anyway, sitting here in the hospital makes me think of all of the things I wish I was home doing.

I LOVE the Fall. I LOVE this time of year. I love life lived slow,gracious,sweet,

savoring moments.

This has not been life recently and I am seeking God on ways to change this.

But some things can not be changed.

Like being in the hospital instead of outside having a picnic.

Yet,

Thank you God for having a hospital available.

Thanking you for using this place and these people to make my son well.

EVEN if, they don't let me sleep at night.

Thank You,Lord.

I'll spend these days grateful.

And planning on things like

making this Whiskey BBQ Chicken from Pioneer Woman,

when I get home.

I know,right?

I'm thinking I'll whip up some Pumpkin Spice Latte action.

Maybe use a recipe like this one.

Pumpkin Spice Latte

compliments of THIS blog

Ingredients:

2 cups milk
1 cup very strong coffee (4 tablespoons coffee grounds to 1 cup of hot water) I,Stephanie, use my espresso machine for espresso and steaming the milk

2 tablespoons vanilla

4 teaspoons sugar

1/2 teaspoon pumpkin pie spice or cinnamon spice
2 heaping spoonfuls of pumpkin

Directions:

Pour all of the ingredients into a pot and heat over medium-high heat until the coffee is steaming hot, whisking with a wire whisk until the ingredients are incorporated and a little frothy. Pour into mugs and top with fresh whipped cream & cinnamon. Enjoy!

Note- If you are not a fan of the cinnamon texture, I am seeing in the comments and through Facebook that adding a cinnamon stick to the coffee mixture while heating it can be a great remedy to the cinnamon texture. This way you get all of the cinnamon taste, but none of the grit! This is just a base recipe that can be played with to your own tastes and preferences. It is meant to be personalized depending on how you like your latte! Thank you all for trying and sharing this recipe! The response has been overwhelming on this one!

Prep Time: 5 minutes

Total Time: 5 minutes

Serving Size: 2

And I am thinking of taking up knitting again this fall.

I've never been really great at it but I do enjoy it in its most basic form.

I'm sure with a little focus, I could work up a dish rag or something.

Here's some inspiration

Found at THIS blog

So here we are and shall be for at least a couple of days.

Perhaps, I can make the time pass easier by this type of day dreaming.

And a trip by daddy and brothers to come hang out later today.

Until then,Mimi and I will continue to enjoy lovin' on our boy...without Pumpkin Spice Lattes.

We're Hoooooome!

Thank you all so much for praying for Shepherd over the past few days.

We are now happily at home.

And so grateful for it.

They ran blood work on Shep and did an MRI and both showed up looking totally fine.The MRI did shoe built op fluid and what looked like infection deep,beyond the ear.

On top of that, by the second day in the hospital, after receiving antibiotics through IV, he was quickly regaining his balance.

With all of this being said, everyone, including us, feels confident that this had something to do with his ear infection or possibly a post viral symptom or perhaps both.

Either way, considering he has no history of anything neurologically or in his ears, everyone considers this a freak incident.

And we all feel great about sending him home.

It was crazy, though,folks.

Aint no lie.

When that little munchkin woke up on Thursday morning and we stood him up, he literally just tipped over.

Even in the ER, he couldn't sit up straight on his own,unsupported, much less ask him to turn his head and he'd go falling over.

SO unnerving.

But he is feeling SO much better and has almost all of his balance back.

Only we would notice that he's a little "out of alignment" when he goes careening down the hall.

THANK YOU for supporting us with your prayers.

There were many moments that I needed,WE needed, great faith that we don't have and it was provided.

In large,because of you, so thank you.

Thank you.

Now I am going to go back to snuggling with 3 little boys under a blanket and reading books,while Fall breezes whistle in through the windows.

Thank You, Lord, for your kindness and mercy.

Thank you, to his people for showing this to us.

Update

Hey there everyone.

Just a quick update before I slam my head to the pillow for the night,

or at least until a monitor beeping or Dr. checking or baby crying wakes me up...

As my sister said before, Shep has been complaining of a headache here and there the past couple of days but nothing that slowed him down.

Then yesterday, it was his ears hurting,too, and his tummy, but no fever or other symptoms.

This morning when we got him out of bed and set him down, he just tipped right over.

He has no ability to balance, wether standing or sitting.

We took him to the ER right away, where they looked at his ears and checked his blood count.

He does have an ear infection and his blood work looks good.

It's possible that this has to do with his ear infection but no one we have spoken with has ever seen an ear infection cause a lack of balance in a child this young.

They've also pretty much ruled out meningitis, because of how "well" he seems other than the balance issue.

There is the possibility of it being something with a big medical name that I will not try to pronounce, which just means that kids get their balance messed up after a virus.

We're hoping it's something like this.

obviously.

We spent the WHOLE day (7am-7pm) in the ER, and finally a bed opened up at our favorite tarheel hospital.

We got here around 9pm by ambulance transport and Shep has fallen asleep exhausted.

Even with everything,he is all smiles.

That kid just kills me.

really.

We'll stay the night here tonight and they will do an MRI tomorrow to rule out any neurological concerns.

I'll keep you updated.

Please pray for wisdom for the doctors from the giver of life and the great physician.

We've gotten a lot of "hmmms" and "uhhuhh" without much of the rattling off the list of minor things it probably is....

this is discomforting.

And then there's the whole being admitted to the hospital,

the very hospital that seems to like to hold on to us and not let us go.

Anyway.

So tired.

Praying for a good outcome tomorrow and heading home to our babies with our baby.

Praying for God's peace.

Will you pray with us?

photo by Heba Salama

Again, so much to say...

Shepherd is feeling much better.

After the adenoidectomy and the subsequent allergic reaction to pain meds that sent us back to the hospital via ambulance...

we got home and he's doing good.

Other than a bronchitis they noticed during the bronch and are now treating, he's doing fabulous.

Then there's Haiti.

I wondered if I could go.

It seemed impossible ,

and so many factors had to play into making it possible.

I didn't know if I "should" go.

I only felt strong compassion for these children and the strong love for them leading me to LONG to be with them, and especially with Mayson for his eye surgery.

It was so hard to say that I should go when it seemed so impossible TO go.

But we took one step at a time towards the door seeing if it would open.

And it did.

In a lot of little ways.

Some bigger ways.

And one MAJOR way.

On Sunday afternoon, we got a phone call from a couple telling us that they would like to pay the cost of both Noah and I's trip to Haiti.

This couple isn't an intimate part of our lives, or at least wasn't at the time.

Now, of course, they have played a precious part in our lives and the lives of our children.

They merely heard of our need and chose to be remarkably generous.

I cried my way through lunch at the Mexican restaurant, munching on chips and salsa, in the corner, wiping tears.

This one HUGE wall, in our way...

One of the reasons I thought I shouldn't even entertain the idea of going....

The cost of the trip....

Taken care of...like that.

In one moment, God made the wall come crashing down.

And I would never have seen His provision to me through the generosity of God's people had I just rationally told myself, going wasn't an option.

We are simply blown away at the generous givers God surrounds us with.

To see God's loving hand reach out to you and feed you through the hands of his people is one of the most beautiful things we've experienced in our needy lives together.

It's such a tangible, clear picture that God is WITH US.

I can only pray that this generosity shown to us will change us.

That it will make us generous people.

That we will give wildly.

To be evidence of God's presence.

I can only pray that the people in Haiti will feel the same way we do,

when they are shown generosity through Gods people.

And so we go...

Saturday morning, August 6th, early in the morning.

"M" has surgery scheduled some time on Monday or Tuesday at this amazing place I can't wait to visit.

And these amazing folks will do this for him, God willing.

Will you please pray for this process with us?

We will also take our daughter with us to be seen. She has no obvious vision trouble but it is genetic so we want her seen.

We will hopefully get some sweet time with both of them as a family, and for this I am very hopeful.

Please also pray for good opportunities to speak with government officials about the adoption during Noah's month long trip.

Also, please pray for the current storm ripping its way through Haiti.

Pray for the children's safety at the orphanage, along with all of Haiti's people vulnerable to the storm's affects.

Please pray that this does not affect our travel plans in any way.

It appears to be heading into Florida right as we are trying to head out of Florida.

Great.

God knows and plans and loves and can be trusted.

I hope to keep everyone up to date on how things are going once we get there, but it's Haiti.

So....we'll see.

Exodus 4

¹⁰But Moses said to the LORD, "Oh, my Lord, I am not eloquent, either in the past or since you have spoken to your servant, but I am slow of speech and of tongue." ¹¹Then the LORD said to him, "Who has made man’s mouth? Who makes him mute, or deaf, or seeing, or blind? Is it not I, the LORD? ¹²Now therefore go, and I will be with your mouth and teach you what you shall speak."

Lord, please, go with us.

Speak for us.

We've got nothing.

But you are everything.

And made everything...

including this beautiful, blind boy

this orphaned little girl

and these inconsequential, ignorant parents.

We are yours, for your glory.

Help us to trust you.

Psalm 146

¹Praise the LORD!Praise the LORD, O my soul! ²I will praise the LORD as long as I live;
I will sing praises to my God while I have my being.

³ Put not your trust in princes,
in a son of man, in whom there is^(F) no salvation.
⁴When his breath departs, he returns to the earth;
on that very day his plans perish.

⁵Blessed is he whose help is the God of Jacob,
whose hope is in the LORD his God,
⁶ who made heaven and earth,
the sea, and all that is in them,
who keeps faith forever;
⁷ who executes justice for the oppressed,
who gives food to the hungry.

The LORD sets the prisoners free;

the LORD opens the eyes of the blind.
The LORD lifts up those who are bowed down;
the LORD loves the righteous.
⁹ The LORD watches over the sojourners;
he upholds the widow and the fatherless,
but the way of the wicked he brings to ruin.

¹⁰ The LORD will reign forever,
your God, O Zion, to all generations.
Praise the LORD!

*italics mine

photo by Nicole Brocato

I will sing praises to my God while I have my being, no matter what happens that I don't understand.

I'll put my trust where it belongs, not in governments or rulers but in the ruler of all.

I know that my plans along with all other men's plans are just that...plans.

God is the only one who always does exactly what he intends because only He has the power to accomplish his plans EVERY time.

When I die, my plans die with me.

Not God's, they go on and on...

I am blessed because THIS God is my help when I need it, and I always do.

May I live a bowed down life, knowing who I really am and who you are...really.

You watch over and protect these children along with all other's without one to call Father, protector.

You have shown that to these children.

You have loved them enough to send others to advocate for them and make their needy voices heard.

Heal "M"'s eyes that he may really see for the first time.

All the more, open his soul, that he may see you for who you are through this physical healing.

Give sight to the blind all over Haiti, that they may know you and call you God.

You are God forever.

You Reign on your throne.

And we are your people.

Whom have I to fear?

When you are King.

Currently.

Amen.

photo by Nicole Brocato