By the GRACE OF GOD, I was able to get up a little bit earlier than usual the morning, make a cup of tea -how distinguished am I ? not very. Trust me. - and sit down with my bible.

Heres a gem from the study I am starting through 1 & 2 Samuel and 1 Chronicles.

Kay Arthur writes:

"Have you ever desired something so strongly that you felt you would be ill without it? Have you ever wanted a relationship with someone so badly that you thought you would die if you couldn't have it?

Oh, to long with that same intensity for a personal relationship with the living God! To be willing to pay the price to know Him by spending time in His word, for there you learn His ways and His character! How pleasing this would be to our God, for He longs deeply to have you know Him, to understand His heart, to walk in His ways."

My most recent experience of the kind of longing indicated above is, of course, my experience with our precious Shepherd.

I think of the intensity which I yearned to experience life with him. At times I only dared to hope that I could do the most simple and mundane things with him. I think of how strongly I craved nearness to him.

Does my heart now long for nearness to my Saviour with such intensity? Has it ever? Will it ever?

I can only pray for a heart like this. I can only hope that God will place in me this heart, so foreign to my nature and yet so natural to who I was made to be, who we were all made to be - worshippers of God. 

Whatever thy grief or trouble be, take every drop in thy cup from the hand of Almighty God. He with whom "the hairs of thy head are all numbered," knoweth every throb of thy brow, each hardly drawn breath, each shoot of pain, each beating of the fevered pulse, each sinking of the aching heart. Receive, then, what trials are to THEE, not in the main only, but one by one, from His all-loving hands; thank His love for each; unite each with the sufferings of thy Redeemer; pray that he will thereby hallow them to thee. Thou wilt not know now what He thereby will work in thee; yet, day by day, shalt thou receive the impress of the ever-blessed Son, and in thee, too, while thou knowest it not, God shall be glorified. "

- E.B. Pusey, Joy and Strength, quoted in Keep A Quiet Heart by Elisabeth Elliot

Mr. Wide eyed is just hanging out and working on recovery. And we're just trying not to count...each....day until we get home. But of course we are not being successful. We are- God willing- going home in 3 1/2 days.  The above quote was helpful to remember, as I think on the MANY moments that God has sovereignly ordained these past months. And now, as the end of the hospital stay draws near, I pray I will continue to receive each moment as it comes.

Only God knows what the future holds for us, for Shepherd. I hope to be more sure, because of these months, that God can be trusted with the unknown. 

Even now, as I face each consecutive night here in the hospital, I long for this part of the journey to be over. I yearn for the comfort of home and the comfort of my boy in my arms while at home. I hope Noah's grad party tomorrow will be the last time I drive home without my son.

Oh, there are so many questions about the future, but I hope that I feel safer there then I once did.  When we get home we will have soooo much adjusting to do. We have a new normal to find for our family. There are new memories to be made, challenges to face, many new relationships, new disciplines, much learning to be done. There are countless doctors appointments to go to, hurdles to overcome, and much change to experience. 

But how I hope that I can accept this change with gratefulness and most of all trust. The bible says that God loves doing good to us so much that he literally burst out into song over it.

 In Zephaniah 3:17 it says

"The Lord your God is with you,

He is mighty to save,

He will take great delight in you,

He will quiet you with His love,

He will rejoice over you with singing."

That's what I hope for from God in this coming season- to be quieted with His love. 

But I will not presume to know what that will look like. Just that it will be good.

As far as medical stuff goes, Shep has been struggling a little with breathing lately. The plan is just to send him home on a little oxygen and wean him off it as he gains strength. 

With that being said, they realized this morning that he really needed another blood transfusion (this will be like his fifth or sixth, I think). The fact that he had been hanging out highly anemic could definetely have contributed to his trouble oxygenating recently. I am sure he's grateful for a bit of a boost. The weekend should be pretty uneventful-for Shepherd.

 My amazing family is working on Noah's grad party. I desperately wanted to celebrate this huge accomplishment  with my honey but I've been a tad distracted.It is a huge act of love for the people who love Noah so beautifully to give so much of their time, money, homes, and talents to making his graduation special. Thank you, guys. 

Speaking of talents, service, and love- a couple ladies from church came by to visit the other day. They came with the purpose of helping us figure out how  they could serve us and how they could help our whole family figure out our new normal- at church.  It was so thoughtful. We are still trying to figure out what will be possible. How do we be with our church family without exposing Shepherd to sickness? How do we go to church without exposing our other 2 kids to the myriad of germs in their classrooms? What about the simple facts of Shepherd's physical needs while at church? I dunno.

But God does and I am excited that he's going to use many others to help us figure it out.

And GREAT news....

Shepherd has taken over 20mL's by mouth, 2 days in a row!!!!!!

They have been using this special bottle with a really slow flow and he's lovin it. So maybe it will be sooner than we thought to get his ng tube out. Oh, I hope so. Putting that thing down his nose is a rare form of torture.... for both of us. 

Well, I am going to attempt a good night's sleep. Attempt being the key word.

Please pray for all the details that have to come together for Shep's homecoming.

We hope to see many of you tomorrow at Noah's grad party.

**********************************************************

So this is how they take Shepherd to procedures and xrays. He and all of his equipment. Isn't that cute? Aslan thought it was so cool he got a TV in his wagon with him.
Cousins. Many of his adoring cousins got to visit this week, now that were out of the PICU. They have all been praying for Shepherd for so long, never actually having met him. We are so blessed.
Momma time
This is our good-bye RMH picture. It was a long time coming, but it arrived. I pray God will show us clearly how to serve this place in the future.
Ride em cowboy. Aslan's taking "luggage" to the car.

**********************************************************************************

These are all pics of my boys as newborns. It's just fun to compare and remember. Can you guess which is which?

Shepherd

Aslan

Haddon and Aslan

Haddon

We are here at the hospital. We got here early so that we could make sure we were here when they took Shepherd to to the OR. He is an add-on so they could take him any time. I got to hold him yesterday and he even opened his eyes and looked at me. He is so beautiful. One of the good things about him getting his trach today is that we will get to see his face more again. He has had so many tubes and ventilators attached, it will be so wonderful to see his beautiful face. One thing I am grieving about, that may seem small, is that I will not hear my sweet son cry. When a child has a trach, they cannot speak. If he still has one around the age he would begin talking, they can add an attachment and teach them to speak. But no cries. Some of you may think that's a good deal, but I am heartbroken. He has just begun to wimper for the first time since surgery and every time I hear him, my heart hurts to know I won't hear that again.
But enough of what I don't like about today. God knows and wants to hear my cares and burdens, but I can't stay there for long and worship. 

So today, I am grateful that God has provided a way to help my son breath, so that he can eat and grow and thrive and ultimately move forward. I am grateful that we are at the hospital where all three surgeons who do trachs in the entire state reside. I am grateful that God has sustained my son so far. 

I was thinking the other day about how much I want all of this to be over. And I realized that one of the reasons is that I am looking forward to a time when I won't have to trust God so much all the time. Part of me can't wait for the day when I can look at my circumstances and feel a false sense of security again. Honestly, that's what it is to want this all over. Every day, we walk in the PICU and all the odds are stacked against, and all the children are sick and nothing looks very promising. And you hear good and bad news all day long- but you cannot rely on what you see or the odds to feel secure or safe. And that is what's so hard. Part of me really wants to just rely on my sight and not my faith. Boy, it's easier to rely on sight. But it is not the truth. All of our security that relies on sight is just an illusion, anyway. Because our lives and this universe doesn't function by chance or odds or accidents or luck. They function by the loving hand of a sovereign Father. 

Knowing that, I will try to savor the opportunity to trust God. Life is no different now than it ever has been. We are all vulnerable. And we are all safe. We are in the hands of God.  Shepherd just gives us a vivid picture  of this truth every day.

Psalm 119:42

"I trust in your word"

"The strength of our faith is in direct proportion to our level of belief that God will do exactly what He has promised. Faith has nothing to do with feelings, impressions, outward appearances, nor the probability or improbability of an event. If we try to couple these things with faith, we are no longer resting on the Word of God, because faith is not dependent on them. Faith rests on the pure word of God alone. And when we take him at His Word, our hearts are at peace.

God delights in causing us to exercise our faith. He does so to bless us individually, to bless the church at large, and as a witness to believers. Yet we tend to retreat from the exercising of our faith instead of welcoming it. When trials come, our response should be, "My Heavenly Father has placed this cup into my hands so I may later have something pleasant."

Trials are the food of faith. Oh! may we leave ourselves in the hands of our Heavenly Father. It is the joy of His heart to do good to all His children. Yet trials and difficulties are not the only way faith is exercised and thereby increased. Reading the scriptures also acquaints us with God as He has revealed Himself in them. 

Are you able to genuinely say, from your knowledge of God and your relationship with Him, that He is indeed a beautiful being? If not, let me graciously encourage you to ask God to take you to that point, so you will fully appreciate His gentleness and kindness, so you will be able to say just how Good He is, and so you will know what a delight it is to God's heart to do good for His children.

The closer we come to this point in our inner being, the more willing we are to leave ourselves in His hands and the more satisfied we are with all of His dealings with us. Then when trials come, we will say, "I will patiently wait to see the good God will do in my life, with the calm assurance he will do it."

In this way, we will bear a worthy testimony to the world and thereby strengthen the lives of others."

-George Mueller

"O beloved, if God declares that all is well, ten thousand devils may declare it to be ill, but we laugh them all to scorn. Blessed be God for a faith which enables us to believe God when the creatures contradict Him. It is, says the Word, at all times well with thee, thou righteous one; then, beloved, if thou canst not see it, let God's word stand thee in stead of sight; yea, believe it on divine authority more confidently than if thine eyes and thy feelings told it to thee. Whom God blesses is blest indeed, and what His lip declares is truth most sure and steadfast."
-Charles Haddon Spurgeon

Beautifully said, Amy

For anyone who is online a lot, there is a great online devotional that I have been getting for years(even though, I am  not online a lot:) Go to www.ewordtoday.com 

They will send you a devo every day filled with Christian news from around the world, Spurgeon quote of the day, Spurgeon's Morning and Evening, Hymn of the day, verse of the day, classic commentaries, and links to a TON of other good stuff. 

While there this morning, I was so encouraged by a quote from Amy Carmichael, a missionary to India in the 1800's. I have been wanting to read some of her writings, so this week I am going to go to the Library for sure.

"I am learning never to be disappointed, but to praise, " Arnot of Central Africa wrote in his journal long ago...I think it must hurt the tender love of our Father when we press for reasons for his dealings with us, as though he were not Love, as though not he but another chose our inheritance for us, as though what he chose to allow could be less than the very best and dearest that Love Eternal had to give. But I do not find that this position, that of unbroken peacefulness and inward song, is one which we can hope to hold unassailed. It is no soft arrangement of pillows, no easy-chair. It is a fort in an enemy's country, and the foe is wise in assault and especially in surprise. And yet there can be nothing to fear, for it is not a place that we must keep, but a stronghold in which we are kept, if only, in the moment we are conscious of attack, we look...unto...Jesus."

The Fellowship of the Unashamed

I found this today and was greatly encouraged. I pray it hits a heart string and reminds you of home.

I am part of the fellowship of the unashamed. I have the Holy Spirit power. The die has been cast.I have stepped over the line. The decision has been made. I am a disciple of Jesus Christ. I won't look back, let up, slow down, back away, or be still. My past is redeemed, my present makes sense, and my future is secure. I am finished and done with low living, sight walking, small planning,smooth knees, colorless dreams, tame visions, mundane talking, chintzy giving, and dwarfed goals.

I no longer need preeminence, prosperity, position, promotion, plaudits, or popularity. I don't have to be right, first, tops, recognized, praised, regarded, or rewarded. I know live by presence, learn by faith, love by patience, lift by prayer, and labor by power.

My pace is set, mt gait is fast, my goal is heaven, my road is narrow, my way is rough, my companions few, my Guide is reliable, my mission is clear. I cannot be bought, compromised, deterred, lured away, turned back, diluted, or delayed. I will not flinch in the face of sacrifice, hesitate in the presence of diversity, negotiate at the table of the enemy,ponder at the pool of popularity, or meander in the maze of mediocrity.

I won't give up, back up, let up, or shut up until I've preached up, prayed up, paid up, stored up, and stayed up for the cause of Christ. I am a disciple of Jesus Christ. I must go until He returns, give until I drop, preach until all know, and work until He comes.

And when He comes to get His own, He will have no problem recognizing me. My colors will be clear for "I am not ashamed of the gospel, for it is the power of God for the salvation of everyone who believes.." Rom 1:16
-Dr. Bob Moorehead