But enough of what I don't like about today. God knows and wants to hear my cares and burdens, but I can't stay there for long and worship.
So today, I am grateful that God has provided a way to help my son breath, so that he can eat and grow and thrive and ultimately move forward. I am grateful that we are at the hospital where all three surgeons who do trachs in the entire state reside. I am grateful that God has sustained my son so far.
I was thinking the other day about how much I want all of this to be over. And I realized that one of the reasons is that I am looking forward to a time when I won't have to trust God so much all the time. Part of me can't wait for the day when I can look at my circumstances and feel a false sense of security again. Honestly, that's what it is to want this all over. Every day, we walk in the PICU and all the odds are stacked against, and all the children are sick and nothing looks very promising. And you hear good and bad news all day long- but you cannot rely on what you see or the odds to feel secure or safe. And that is what's so hard. Part of me really wants to just rely on my sight and not my faith. Boy, it's easier to rely on sight. But it is not the truth. All of our security that relies on sight is just an illusion, anyway. Because our lives and this universe doesn't function by chance or odds or accidents or luck. They function by the loving hand of a sovereign Father.
Knowing that, I will try to savor the opportunity to trust God. Life is no different now than it ever has been. We are all vulnerable. And we are all safe. We are in the hands of God. Shepherd just gives us a vivid picture of this truth every day.
"I trust in your word"
"The strength of our faith is in direct proportion to our level of belief that God will do exactly what He has promised. Faith has nothing to do with feelings, impressions, outward appearances, nor the probability or improbability of an event. If we try to couple these things with faith, we are no longer resting on the Word of God, because faith is not dependent on them. Faith rests on the pure word of God alone. And when we take him at His Word, our hearts are at peace.
God delights in causing us to exercise our faith. He does so to bless us individually, to bless the church at large, and as a witness to believers. Yet we tend to retreat from the exercising of our faith instead of welcoming it. When trials come, our response should be, "My Heavenly Father has placed this cup into my hands so I may later have something pleasant."
Trials are the food of faith. Oh! may we leave ourselves in the hands of our Heavenly Father. It is the joy of His heart to do good to all His children. Yet trials and difficulties are not the only way faith is exercised and thereby increased. Reading the scriptures also acquaints us with God as He has revealed Himself in them.
Are you able to genuinely say, from your knowledge of God and your relationship with Him, that He is indeed a beautiful being? If not, let me graciously encourage you to ask God to take you to that point, so you will fully appreciate His gentleness and kindness, so you will be able to say just how Good He is, and so you will know what a delight it is to God's heart to do good for His children.
The closer we come to this point in our inner being, the more willing we are to leave ourselves in His hands and the more satisfied we are with all of His dealings with us. Then when trials come, we will say, "I will patiently wait to see the good God will do in my life, with the calm assurance he will do it."
In this way, we will bear a worthy testimony to the world and thereby strengthen the lives of others."