Monday, April 27, 2009

How's the weather over there?

This weather sure has been refreshing, huh? I know it's not the weather, but I swear the hardest days with Shepherd have all been rainy. So hopefully, we'll continue with a sunny day inside as well.....I paused my writing because a cardiologist came by. 

Here's an example of the ups and downs. I know feel as though it should be raining outside. But you see nothing has technically changed. It was just they way in which the doctor communicated with me and the words he used hold the potential to send my hopes crashing and my heart breaking. just minutes ago I felt fine and now my heart is literally pounding inside of my chest and my hands are shaking. I'm gonna cal him Dr. Downer.
He started his consult with a "There are many different issues he's dealing with here." Yes, I know. He took the opportunity to remind me that the fungal infection is "very serious and potentially life threatening." He also told me that they would do another ECKO today or tomorrow to make sure that the fungal infection doesn't form a fungal ball in his heart. If it does, they will have no other choice but to go in and remove it. Don't want to be around for that ECKO. He also reminded me that the ECKO still shows re-narrowing at the surgical site  and that may be a major problem but that we can't do anything about it into he's older, which may be problematic. He ended his little consult with a very somber, "hang in there." 
So, in a moment, the enemy (I'm not referring to Dr. Downer) comes into our little hospital room and threatens to steal my peace, steal my hope, steal my courage, steal the very little strength that I have.
Please, Lord, give me the ability to walk by faith and not by sight. Please help me not to hear these intimidating facts ringing in my ears, please help me not to feel overwhelmed by the odds. But instead, help me to see your power, by faith. Your love, by faith. Your strength, by faith. That you have set out and know each day, each moment of Shepherd's life. These odds are not intimidating to you. They don't change anything for you, so they don't have to change anything for me. Boy, I'm sick of fighting this ball in the back of my throat. You made Shepherd perfectly. And as these doctors explore the facts and attempt to fix Shepherds problems, you don't need to do any exploring. You know exactly what is needed and exactly how this will end. And I beg you, I pray that it ends with my little boy home with his family. But when I say I want to walk by faith and not by sight, I don't mean that my level of faith will equate with a favorable outcome. The hardest part is to have faith that you will hold me up if this doesn't turn out like I want it to. By faith, not by sight. By sight, I don't see the how to any of this. Except for you. That's the faith part. Lord, be near. Show me your kindness. I know you are showing it in sooo many ways, but sometimes my discouragement blinds me to it. And you know that about me, you know my weaknesses and do not despise me for it. You know all they ways my heart will react through this. You knew it when you planned this for all our lives. Thank you, Lord that I don't have to be anything I'm not before you. Please show me your nearness today, show me your power, show me your nearness to our son.

p.s.
His breathing is looking good so they are going to give him a trial off the vent. They'll see how he does and if he struggles, they can just pop it back on. Pray he does well, I don't know how well I'll take even the seemingly smaller setbacks. Gooooooo Shepherd! Well, actually, Goooooooo God!

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

Steph,
Jenna called us and we're holding you up before the Lord in prayer. My Mom and I just read the blog and wish we could lighten your load. That's God's job though. He's carrying the entire load and we're thankful he provides what is needed for you to make it through each moment. We love you. Gail and Joanne.

Paul Eubanks said...

Hello Stephanie! (I use to live on Judson Drive.) There is a song that has been an encouragement to me and i want to share it with you. It's called He Knows My Name (I Have a Maker)

I have a Maker
He formed my heart
Before even time began
My life was in His hands

He knows my name
He knows my every thought
He sees each tear that falls
And hears me when I call

I have a Father
He calls me His own
He'll never leave me
No matter where I go

He knows my name
He knows my every thought
He sees each tear that falls
And hears me when I call.

You can hear it on youtube by either the Maranatha Singers or Tommy Walker. Thanks for sharing your heart with us on this journey God has chosen for you and Noah to walk. We are praying for you.

Pam Eubanks

Lori Woosley said...

We're reading your updates daily and praying! This morning my 5 yr old was trying to teach his 19 month old sister to pray, he was praying for Sheph! We will continue to cover you guys in prayer as you walk through this journey. Just now I was sitting on the couch, looking for a specific verse to write and my son asked what I was looking for- I said, a verse to send to the Joyners for some encouragement- he said, "send the verse about Jesus dying on the cross and raising again b/c that's what He did for baby Sheph"

For some more encouragement...Isaiah 43:2-3
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.

carol taber said...

Steph, Thanks for being so good at updating. It is an honor to pray specifically for Shep's needs.
DO we need to pray Dr Downer to a course on bedside compassion?
With love and hope....Carol

Sylvia Goode Basham said...

Stephanie,

Praying with you and for you. Thank you for sharing your sweet and broken heart. I know God is pleased with you.

KR said...

Praying for Shepherd, you, the cardiologists, and baby Reed.

Anonymous said...

stephanie, you have been such an encouragement to me through all of these difficult times you have been experiencing. I hope i am able to encourage you half as much! We are praying for you guys every singel day and I cannot wait to come up there and see you and little shepherd. We love and miss you guys so much and will continue to pray for God's will to be done in Shepherd's life and for you all to continue to be faithful in HIM! Love you so much!

Cantalupis

Dan said...

Oh, the prayers of a heart that is laid bare. I'm reminded more of who HE is by your prayers and thoughts. Thank you. I'm praying for you and the staff there. Remember, Shepherd is there to bring God glory. Those doctors are a witness to his life, so the ones that are there are meant to be there and who knows if you or the baby are impacting him but I know that He will use this for His glory and hopefully to draw sinners to Himself.
Love you guys!

Casey Chappell