Here's an example of the ups and downs. I know feel as though it should be raining outside. But you see nothing has technically changed. It was just they way in which the doctor communicated with me and the words he used hold the potential to send my hopes crashing and my heart breaking. just minutes ago I felt fine and now my heart is literally pounding inside of my chest and my hands are shaking. I'm gonna cal him Dr. Downer.
He started his consult with a "There are many different issues he's dealing with here." Yes, I know. He took the opportunity to remind me that the fungal infection is "very serious and potentially life threatening." He also told me that they would do another ECKO today or tomorrow to make sure that the fungal infection doesn't form a fungal ball in his heart. If it does, they will have no other choice but to go in and remove it. Don't want to be around for that ECKO. He also reminded me that the ECKO still shows re-narrowing at the surgical site and that may be a major problem but that we can't do anything about it into he's older, which may be problematic. He ended his little consult with a very somber, "hang in there."
So, in a moment, the enemy (I'm not referring to Dr. Downer) comes into our little hospital room and threatens to steal my peace, steal my hope, steal my courage, steal the very little strength that I have.
Please, Lord, give me the ability to walk by faith and not by sight. Please help me not to hear these intimidating facts ringing in my ears, please help me not to feel overwhelmed by the odds. But instead, help me to see your power, by faith. Your love, by faith. Your strength, by faith. That you have set out and know each day, each moment of Shepherd's life. These odds are not intimidating to you. They don't change anything for you, so they don't have to change anything for me. Boy, I'm sick of fighting this ball in the back of my throat. You made Shepherd perfectly. And as these doctors explore the facts and attempt to fix Shepherds problems, you don't need to do any exploring. You know exactly what is needed and exactly how this will end. And I beg you, I pray that it ends with my little boy home with his family. But when I say I want to walk by faith and not by sight, I don't mean that my level of faith will equate with a favorable outcome. The hardest part is to have faith that you will hold me up if this doesn't turn out like I want it to. By faith, not by sight. By sight, I don't see the how to any of this. Except for you. That's the faith part. Lord, be near. Show me your kindness. I know you are showing it in sooo many ways, but sometimes my discouragement blinds me to it. And you know that about me, you know my weaknesses and do not despise me for it. You know all they ways my heart will react through this. You knew it when you planned this for all our lives. Thank you, Lord that I don't have to be anything I'm not before you. Please show me your nearness today, show me your power, show me your nearness to our son.
His breathing is looking good so they are going to give him a trial off the vent. They'll see how he does and if he struggles, they can just pop it back on. Pray he does well, I don't know how well I'll take even the seemingly smaller setbacks. Gooooooo Shepherd! Well, actually, Goooooooo God!