Well, our Lord gives many good gifts. In fact that is ALL he gives... GOOD gifts. Sometimes it is easy to see them as such, sometimes it is not. But recently we have been given one that is easy to accept as good.... a new baby!! Yes, a very new baby. I am only about 7 weeks pregnant, I am guessing. Aslan told me there was a baby in my tummy before I knew there was. And he got to be there when we found out, which was so much fun. I am really looking forward to sharing this with him in ways he couldn't because of his age when we had Haddon. In Aslan's opinion, it is a girl most of the time and occasionally twins (one boy and one girl). When asked what we should name these twins, he responed, "Aslan" and "haddon." How original.
And let me just head off the very popular jokes that come with our pregnancies. No, we will not be naming our child Tumnus, or lucy, or Peter, or the White witch. It was a one time thing, not a fetish.
We would covet your prayers for us. I would especially appreciate prayer for my fears. Ironically, I am struggling more with fears with this pregnancy than I ever have before. Throughout the past few months in particular, God has been bringing my fears to the surface and mercifully helping me to face them in the light of the truth. This baby just affords another opportunity. Boy, does it. I find myself in a state of dread and anxiety about the future of our baby and the pregnancy. God has brought to my awareness many who have experienced grief and loss associated with their little ones. This is much of what I have struggled with over the past months, but now anew with a pregnancy. With each new child, your heart opens to love in ways fresh and new. And with each time you open your heart, your heart is vulnerable to be shattered into a million pieces. Thus, THE FEAR. But each time we open our hearts, I pray, we open our hearts first to our creator. Both my creator and the creator of the little one I carry. I pray I open up my heart, my hopes, my fears, my anxieties and lay them bare before him, in trust. As I have mentioned before, this is the only real safe place, anyway. Any other method of rationalization or reasoning will only lead me in an endless downward, failing spiral of self- salvation.
The best may happen. The worst may happen. My peace cannot rest on anything but the Hope that is in Christ.
This is a passage I have been memorizing to battle my fears.
"I will bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth.
My soul makes its boast in the Lord; let the humble hear and be glad.
Oh, magnify the Lord with me, and let us exalt his name together!
I sought the Lord and he answered me and delivered me fro mall my fears.
Those who look to Him are radiant, and their faces shall never be ashamed."
The Lyrics to "In Christ Alone" by the Gettys reminds me also...
"No guilt in life, no fear in death- This is the power of Christ in me;
From life's first cry to final breath, Jesus commands my destiny."