Sunday, July 22, 2012

There is Power

“There is power in the name of Jesus…to break every chain, break every chain, break every chain”

I hear this song by Will Reagan, written for a documentary called “Nefarious.” The documentary and soundtrack were written to expose human trafficking world wide. I haven’t actually seen the whole documentary but we do have the soundtrack and the songs are so powerful. I easily get engulfed in the momentum of the truth that not only one day but in the present world,God can free those enslaved by the chains of sin,no matter how heavy they may be…orphans brought into homes, children rescued from slavery, the hungry fed, broken,trampled hearts, healed…I get swept away in the hope of Shalom, of God making all things right in His time, wiping away every tear from every eye, whether it be one at a time now, through his people, or on that day when ALL is made right.
And I chant with them…”break every chain, break every chain, break every chain..” my fists pounding the air in exaltation. God’s victory is here. Now.

Just maybe not for me.
Here, in my situation, in my home, in my sin struggles.

 In my marriage where I can’t imagine changing sarcastic behaviors that have made up my responses for 8 years. Responses that drive a person away, not draw them near. The person I want nearest to me. But the thought seems impossible. It seems some behaviors are more natural than breathing. I think I might find it easier to cease to inhale than to cease to bring an attitude to conflict.
"There is power in the name of Jesus…to break EVERY chain."

Now, in my life.  I forgot that pertains to my insecurities and relationships. Those places I want to just give up- the friendships that seem best not done at all. All give, no gain. The relationships that only make me aware of my vast insecurities and defensiveness still present in my life. The ones I thought I was better than by now. I thought I was over trying to prove something and then it turns out, in relationship with you, I am doing it constantly. And I’d like to blame you but the thing is that it’s my response that is so problematic, not your actions. And then I am face to face with the ugliness of and deceitfulness of sin in my life,my immaturity, and I despise that. SO you’ve gotta go. Cause I can’t do this kind of hard work day in and day out, the war waging in me, internal conversations talking myself off of the cliff, telling myself the truth about humility and being justified in Christ.  It can’t be like Paul Tripp says about problematic relationships,

“If I am seeking to get identity from you ,I will watch you too closely, listen to you too intently, and need you to fundamentally. I will ride the roller coaster of your best and worst moments and everything in between. And because I am watching you too closely, I will become acutely aware of your weaknesses and failures. I will become overly critical, frustrated, disappointed, hopeless, and angry. I will be angry not because you are a sinner but because you have failed to deliver the one thing I seek from you: identity. But none of us will ever get the well-being that comes from knowing who we are from our relationships. Instead we will be left with damaged relationships filled with hurt, frustration and anger.”  Paul David Tripp

Yeah Jesus can break the chains of poverty, slavery, and abuse, but not my insecurities.

“All sufficient sacrifice, so freely given, such a price, for our redemption, Heaven’s gates swing wide…” the song goes on
Preach it!

Until I haven’t had nearly enough time to myself and I’m on my last nerve and I’ve been saying the same thing multiple times, all day long, to simply get a few little people to work with me, go with the plan. Help me help you, folks! And I snap and only have words of anger and impatience and frustration and no grace to offer. I’ve got no more patience left. I used it up the first 10 times I told you to clean up. And I’m sick of being the only person in the house whose job description is “make them all happy.’ So instead of being one who essentially brings God’s kingdom to her people-infusing hope into hopeless moments, bringing a kind word where a angry one is deserved, imparting grace that is so needed for all, running to the Savior together- I bring something else entirely. And it has to do with MY survival.

The most dangerous aspect of your relationships is not your weakness, but your delusions of strength. Self-reliance is almost always a component of a bad relationship.”  Paul David Tripp 

Yeah, there is power in the name of Jesus, but not that kind of power…right? Can he really give me something I don’t have in my own strength? Except that’s kind of the whole point of Christianity, isn’t it? I think they call it the gospel. And it hasn’t got a thing to do with what I bring to the table. In fact the only way one ends up at the table at all is because they realize they are bankrupt and have nothing to offer.

Christianity is different because it’s God is still alive and well and making things right, healing the broken…just not my petty brokenness.
 I’m aloud to still interact with the women in  my life based on my insecurties, instead of Christ’s work on the cross. I’m aloud to be the same annoyingly sassy teenager in my marriage, cause he married me like this. It’s part of the deal buddy. Sorry. I’m not perfect. Don’t want to make things too easy on ya. Too bad if you’re stinkin weary of not being able to have an even semi confrontational conversation without me acting like a bad episode of “Friends.” I’m sure God will use it to make you a better man,darling. Just doing my part in the sanctification process.
 And kiddos, I’ve got this much to give and when you use it up, watch out. You get what you deserve around here. Obey me the first time I ask you to do something, and we’re all good as gold. Have a rough day? Act like anything but a robot? We’re done. I may not hit a wall or call you names. But I will carry an heir of weary frustration and short words to cover our home like a dark cloud. Unpleasant? I know. But I’ve got no other choice.

Or do I?
“There is power in the name of Jesus to break every chain, break every chain, break every chain”

**Thanks,sissy, for all the great Paul David Tripp quotes. I can always rely on you to “bring it” in biblical counseling quotes when I need it the most.

1 comment:

Stephanie said...

wow, steph.
i think you were in my head and heart when you wrote this.
thanks for giving voice to this place of struggle with the flesh, and The place of our freedom. Praise Him for the Gospel.
Miss you, friend!
Loving your blog through it all!