I was so glad I caught a picture of this. The boys decided that b/c Haddon was wearing a belt he looked like a "daddy," which ended in Aslan getting my scarf so that he could be a girl and they could be getting married.
In all of this busyness, an important day is rushing towards us. And I am going to need all the time I can get to prepare my heart well.
On May 3rd, Shepherd is scheduled for his next bronchoscopy. This is the procedure where they take him into the OR and lower a scope through his nose and down his airway to take a looksee. If they think things look optimal for decanulation (taking out his trach), then they will proceed to surgically remove scar tissue in hopes of successful decanulation. They anticipate a 50/50 chance at his success. They tried this back when he was 4 months old and saw nothing to indicate change.
I'm going to be honest. Medically speaking, it's sweet of those very optimistic Doctors to always throw us the best case scenario, but I don't think his chances are nearly so high. Maybe it's the pessimist in me- only I'm really not a pessimist. Anyway. My guess would be a little more like a 20-30% chance of success. Realistically, his chances are probably not all that great for this go round. I'd expect him to be more like 2 or 3 years old before he gets his trach out.
With all that said- there is something very important I have not yet mentioned.
I'm a Christian.
That can mean a lot of different things in our culture.
But for me,among other things, it means this..
I don't simply see things medically or realistically or even through the eyes of chances or odds. Sure I am tempted to- often. It's only natural for any human being to cling to what can be cleanly explained with numbers and percentages and securities.
Since becoming a Christian, I look at the world and see all the same things everyone else sees. I see statistics and probabilities and facts and studies.
And I like them! Heck, I love them!
But I don't just see those. I see a whole lot more.
I like to think of it as putting on glasses.
I've worn glasses since I was about 9 (big, funky, plastic ones way before it was cool, I mean it was really uncool) . Once, when I was in college, I went running in the Mountains of California, where I was working. It was fairly early and for some crazy reason I wasn't wearing my contacts. Part way on the road I came over the hill to see a figure in the distance. Though it was Northern California, my first thought was, "it's a moose!"
Let me justify my insanity by pointing out that I grew up in Alaska. It was purely instinct.
Regardless- I was way off base.
It was a coworker. A human being.
I know it sounds ridiculous to think I could have mistaken my friend for a moose. But without 20/20 vision things can get allllllll out of wack.
Knowing Jesus, among other things, is like putting on your glasses after having walked around without them for a long time. The first time I put on glasses I had no idea all I had been missing. I just figured this was how the world looked to everybody. But now I can hardly do a thing without them because it is completely disorienting.
I have know Jesus personally for about 13 years. I still forget my glasses a lot. But there's no pretending I can see clearly for long without them.
Preparing my heart for Shepherd's procedure will be a lot of putting on of my glasses.
May 3rd, like any other day in any other town for any other person, is God's day. It's his to do with what He chooses.
I don't mean that in a distant, "whatsoever he shalt will shalt thou be " kinda way.
I just know Him.
And I feel like Peter when I say, " Where else could I possibly go?!" Where else would I go with my pain, disappointment, confusion, hopes,expectations, question, ignorance?
No one else holds the key.
To my heart.
To clear vision.
He's my Dad. I love Him.
But I can't touch how much He loves me. I don't even try.
He's my Dad.
And if there was ever one worthy of trust, ever one to dive into, to let hold me, my life, my child, my children, our whole, complete selves- it's Him.
So I'm praying that God would heal Shepherd on May 3rd. That there will miraculously not be the granulation tissue that is currently residing in his airway blocking off his breath.
But I haven't got a clue.
I just know the one who does.
And if He wants to work this another way- there is not. a. single. reason. why I shouldn't trust him completely.
Though I may cry on his shoulder a bit, I have a feeling He's not too surprised by that.
Please pray with us. You're all so precious to our family.