Nothing 2 Bring

I got to help give him a bath for the first time. I was sure to snap a picture with all his leads  and cuffs off after I changed his diaper. What a cutie. All 5lbs 9oz of him. Yes, that is a whopping 4 oz he put on this week.

All dressed, clean, and cuddly. Mmmm, that's sweet. Below is a picture of him falling asleep and dropping his paci.

Oh, how I love this boy. So, so, so much. I honestly hardly know to write. I guess I'll just tell you what is on the books for tomorrow.

Tomorrow around noon they will take Shepherd down to what they call the Cath Lab. Once there, they will use a catheter to go into his heart and measure his blood pressures. From there, there's a few ways it can go.

1) They'll see that the gradient in his pressures aren't as much as they expected and they'll assume that the narrowing is not bad enough to do anything about. They'll simply come right back out.

2) They'll see that the pressures are bad and they will need try to balloon that area open. There are significant risks associated with this, especially because he is so small and has already been operated on at that site. There is the risk of puncturing his lung or heart, stroke, and then there is the risk of ballooning that site. The goal with ballooning is to tear the inside of the aorta enough to make it bigger and not too much. The doctor told us today that if they  were to tear it too much he would bleed out and probably not survive the procedure.

3) It may be too much narrowing to even try to balloon it and they will try to wait a few months to let him grow and then try another surgery like his first heart surgery.

Guess which one were hoping for?????????

I'll take what's behind door #1!!!!!!!

Please pray with us that God makes the way for the first option to be possible. Please also pray for our peace throughout tonight and tomorrow.  Pray for strength no matter what. 

It would be a lie to say I'm not fearful, very fearful. 

With that being said, I want to do my best to be honest about these feelings before God without just lying down and staying there, paralyzed by my fear.

It's so hard to be holding my son and stroking his perfect, tiny hands and feel his long, beautiful fingers squeeze mine. It's hard because I want to worship God in that moment without fearing the next, without fearing what tomorrow will hold. 

Lord, you know how small and weak my faith is. You know how afraid I am . I am so grateful that your actions toward us , toward Shepherd, are not based on the amount of faith I can muster up. Please help me not to muster. I know I don't have to be a strong mommy. I can be a fearful mommy and you will still be just as near, nearer. And that I ask of you, that I beg of you. Please show me your nearness so brilliantly that I can face tomorrow confidently. Please remind me that you, who hold each star in place every moment of every day will be there in that cath lab holding my son. 

Thank you for praying with us. Thank You.

Isaiah 40:12-31

 "¹² Who has measured the waters in the hollow of his hand
   and marked off the heavens with a span,
enclosed the dust of the earth in a measure
   and weighed the mountains in scales
   and the hills in a balance?
¹³ Who has measured the Spirit of the LORD,
   or what man shows him his counsel?
¹⁴Whom did he consult,
   and who made him understand?
 Who taught him the path of justice,
   and taught him knowledge,
   and showed him the way of understanding?
¹⁵Behold, the nations are like a drop from a bucket,
   and are accounted as the dust on the scales;
   behold, he takes up the coastlands like fine dust.
¹⁶Lebanon would not suffice for fuel,
   nor are its beasts enough for a burnt offering.
¹⁷ All the nations are as nothing before him,
   they are accounted by him as less than nothing and emptiness.

 ¹⁸ To whom then will you liken God,
    or what likeness compare with him?
¹⁹ An idol! A craftsman casts it,
   and a goldsmith overlays it with gold
   and casts for it silver chains.
²⁰ He who is too impoverished for an offering
   chooses wood that will not rot;
he seeks out a skillful craftsman
   to set up an idol that will not move.

 ²¹ Do you not know? Do you not hear?
   Has it not been told you from the beginning?
   Have you not understood from the foundations of the earth?
²²It is he who sits above the circle of the earth,
   and its inhabitants are like grasshoppers;
 who stretches out the heavens like a curtain,
   and spreads them like a tent to dwell in;
²³ who brings princes to nothing,
   and makes the rulers of the earth as emptiness.

 ²⁴Scarcely are they planted, scarcely sown,
   scarcely has their stem taken root in the earth,
when he blows on them, and they wither,
    and the tempest carries them off like stubble.

 ²⁵ To whom then will you compare me,
   that I should be like him? says the Holy One.
²⁶Lift up your eyes on high and see:
   who created these?
 He who brings out their host by number,
   calling them all by name,
by the greatness of his might,
   and because he is strong in power
   not one is missing.

 ²⁷Why do you say, O Jacob,
   and speak, O Israel,
 "My way is hidden from the LORD,
    and my right is disregarded by my God"?
²⁸Have you not known? Have you not heard?The LORD is the everlasting God,
   the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He does not faint or grow weary;
   his understanding is unsearchable.
²⁹He gives power to the faint,
   and to him who has no might he increases strength.
³⁰Even youths shall faint and be weary,
   and young men shall fall exhausted;
³¹but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength;
   they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
   they shall walk and not faint."

Psalm 38:21-22 

 "²¹Do not forsake me, O LORD!
   O my God, be not far from me!
²² Make haste to help me,
   O Lord, my salvation!"

Psalm 38:9,10,15

^"9O Lord, all my longing is before you;
   my sighing is not hidden from you.

¹⁰My heart throbs; my strength fails me,
   and the light of my eyes—it also has gone from me.

 ¹⁵But for you, O LORD, do I wait;
   it is you, O Lord my God, who will answer."

Romans 8:37-39 

 "³⁷No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. ³⁸For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, ³⁹nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Psalm 3:1-6 

 ¹O LORD, how many are my foes!
   Many are rising against me;
²many are saying of my soul,
    there is no salvation for him in God. 
                         Selah

 ³But you, O LORD, are a shield about me,
   my glory, and the lifter of my head.
⁴I cried aloud to the LORD,
   and he answered me from his holy hill. 
                         Selah

 ⁵I lay down and slept;
   I woke again, for the LORD sustained me.
⁶I will not be afraid of many thousands of people
   who have set themselves against me all around."