Thursday, April 23, 2009

Well, in contrast to Shepherds very lengthy prayer list of yesterday- today it is simple. The cultures taken from a couple of days ago after he spiked a fever have come back showing yeast. This is basically an infection in the blood. It is very serious for him. It is an infection that easily spreads and is very hard to control, especially for such a small baby with so little reserves. Dr. D is taking it very seriously. Because of this, he will not have the option of going into the OR tomorrow. We can see this as God's hand keeping him out of the OR. Like Dr. D said,"taking him to the OR is a judgement call and someone above is telling us that was not quite the right judgement." SO right now, he still has the leaky chylothorax AND an infection. These are the major concerns. They will do very little to change his treatment right now, excpet for aggresively treating the yeast with an anti-fungal.
It's been a hard day, and it's not nearly over. Please pray for encouragement and hope. I feel very weary today. On days like today, I can hardly do anything without crying. I want to be at Shepherds side, and yet it breaks my heart to pieces. I want to leave this hospital and all the poeple I've seen more than I ever wanted to of. And yet I want to be here to be fully informed of his care. It's just hard. I don't know what could change that. It's not supposed to be easy. BUT I don't want to be hopeless and I don't want to live by sight. So, please pray that we wouldn't be overwhelmed by the discouraging evidence.

We have chosen hymns for all of our children before they were born. Aslan's is "In Christ Alone." Haddon's is "Take my life." Shepherds is "How deep the Father's love." We chose this song long before he was born. I am grateful, now, as I have sung this song to Shepherd numerous times in his life. And I am grateful that was his song, so that I can hear this truth repeated to myself.

How deep the Father's love for us,
How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure

How great the pain of searing loss,
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the chosen One,
Bring many sons to glory

Behold the Man upon a cross,
My sin upon His shoulders
Ashamed I hear my mocing voice,
Call out among the scoffers

It was my sin that helf Him there
Until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life
I know that it is finished

I will not boast in anything
No gifts, no power, no wisdom
But I will boast in Jesus Christ
His death and resurrection

Why should I gain from His reward?
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom

One night in particular I remember laying in my bed, as tears streamed down my face, and I begged God. I begged him to save my son, but I also begged him to cause me to trust him like Psalm 131, like a weaned child at it's mothers breast. That I would lay quietly and safely in the arms of my Father throughout this. It was in those moments that I was so struck with the weight of what was done on the cross and what it means for my life right now, for Shepherd's life. It hit me with great strength that I am not waiting for God to show me a great act of his love today, at least I shouldn't be. He has alreay done THE most loving thing he possibly could do towards me. He gave his son to set me and Shepherd and us all free from the deadly effects of sin. We still have pain, we still live in a world affected by sin, but it cannot take our souls anymore. And this life is only a vapor. How I long for the day when Heaven is here.
But as I lay there, I knew how it must hurt God for me not to trust him in the midst of my pain or not to trust him with my son. As I watch my son struggle and my heart breaks, I cannot imagine choosing to give his life for the rescue of someone else. And how much more un-fathomable, if that person doubted my commitment and love to them in the future when things got hard.
It would be dumfounding. How could you doubt my love for you when I gave up what was most valuable to me for you? How can you not trust me? Do you not remember what I did?

I pray that I will trust God's love for me similar to the way I hope my children trust my love for them, even when it doesn't make sense. And I pray that I will find my greatest sense of safety in knowing what happened on the cross.
I know well, by now, that I don't have any idea what God is gpoing to do or is doing on an ultimate level. But I do believe He is good. And I do believe He loves me.


Anonymous said...


My heart and prayers are with you right now. Thank you for the great reminder of what our GREAT God has done for us on the act that extends beyond anything that can happen to us in this blink-and-you'll-miss-it life. I love you dearly.


KR said...

Praying for Shepherd and praying for you. So sorry for the difficulty...don't know why it has to be so rough...praying for some relief...for light to shine in the midst. Just know you have a fellow Jesus believing heart momma crying out on your behalf. Like a screaming loony.

Sarah said...

I'm still praying for your precious beautiful boy.

Lorraine-bo said...

That song speaks deeply to me, as well. What a beautiful lullaby from you to your son ... from Your Heavenly Father to you.

May you remember all the ways that He has been faithful in your life and use that to catapult your trust in Him at a hard time.

Anonymous said...

My prayers are with you tonight, especially as Noah is away for the day and you are probably exhausted with emotion...I am praying that God will reveal to you his plans, and give you peace as you wait. Praying also for Shepherd to heal quickly from this infection, and that the next step will be clear to the doctors. I love you Steph...we're rooting for you guys.

Anonymous said...

Dear Steph and Noah,
Jonathan and I are begging Him for a MIRACLE with you!!Lifting your family up!!!!!
May His strength be yours today!!!

Victoria said...

Girl, I am crying at your amazing post. Thank you for your encouragment in such a hard time. Blown away. Praise God for the words He gave you to remind me of His amazing love.
I am praying that "the God of Hope will fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so you will overflow with hope, by the power of His Holy Sprit." Love you.

Sylvia Goode Basham said...

Shepherd must think it's an angel's voice when you sing to him. The Bashams are praying for all of you.

Anonymous said...

Praying for you, that the Lord would give you strength to endure with much hope. Praying for Shepherd's healing.

Anonymous said...

I am praying for you. I pray for peace and comfort that only God can give. I know its hard to wait, but just keep the faith while having to "hurry up and wait" to see what happens with your child. Glod Bless You.
Amy Smith

Anonymous said...

What We Can't See

Marybeth Whalen

"'Don't be afraid,' the prophet answered. 'Those who are with us are more than those who are with them.' And Elisha prayed, 'O Lord, open his eyes so he may see.'" II Kings 6:16-17a (NIV)


Have you ever asked God to help you see what He's up to in the spiritual realm?

In II Kings 6:15-17, the prophet Elisha prays for his servant to be able to see beyond his circumstances. They are surrounded by a great army and the odds look to be overwhelmingly against them. He asks God to show the servant what is taking place beyond what the eye can see. The servant's eyes are opened to a supernatural realm and he is able to see the Lord's armies gathered to fight on their behalf. Elisha knew his servant was feeling hopeless and simply needed a different perspective.

We need eyes to see just like that servant did. Make no mistake, we are fighting a war. As Christians, we must suit up every day and face another battle. We have an enemy who wants to defeat us. And some days it seems like he gets the victory. We look around at the failing economy, the fractured families, and the fast pace of our lives and feel that the odds are overwhelmingly against us. We grow weary and feel like giving up.

In those moments we need to stop worrying and pray for a new vision. We need to ask God to change our perspective so that we can look past what we can see to what He is taking care of in the unseen. We need to remember to trust Him and to ask Him to help us see His activity--no matter how overwhelmed and unworthy we may feel. God sees us and He will send help when we need it.

The odds are never stacked against us because God is waging a battle we can't see. I love that He is always fighting on our behalf, even when we don't see it--and especially when we need it the most.

Dear Lord, please help me to remember that You are fighting even when I don't see it. Help me to have a vision for what You do daily on my behalf and not grow discouraged by the battles I face. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

carol at A Second Cup said...

Steph, Praying for Shep and for you both. Carol

Anonymous said...

How awesome is a God that could give such a young woman such faith and wisdom. Every difficulty we go through with God and grow through produces fruit that will nourish someone else along their way. I have seen this so many times in my own life. In the depths of your despair, God is forging and reinforcing your beautiful character,faith and hope. And, of course, hope does not disappoint. I'm amazed at the beauty of Christ in you. I hear His words and feel His strength and smell His power! You are doing very fine. Love, Gail

Anonymous said...

Please know that Jake and I pray for you and your precious baby. He is so sweet and BEAUTIFUL!!
We love your family much~