Well, in contrast to Shepherds very lengthy prayer list of yesterday- today it is simple. The cultures taken from a couple of days ago after he spiked a fever have come back showing yeast. This is basically an infection in the blood. It is very serious for him. It is an infection that easily spreads and is very hard to control, especially for such a small baby with so little reserves. Dr. D is taking it very seriously. Because of this, he will not have the option of going into the OR tomorrow. We can see this as God's hand keeping him out of the OR. Like Dr. D said,"taking him to the OR is a judgement call and someone above is telling us that was not quite the right judgement." SO right now, he still has the leaky chylothorax AND an infection. These are the major concerns. They will do very little to change his treatment right now, excpet for aggresively treating the yeast with an anti-fungal.
It's been a hard day, and it's not nearly over. Please pray for encouragement and hope. I feel very weary today. On days like today, I can hardly do anything without crying. I want to be at Shepherds side, and yet it breaks my heart to pieces. I want to leave this hospital and all the poeple I've seen more than I ever wanted to of. And yet I want to be here to be fully informed of his care. It's just hard. I don't know what could change that. It's not supposed to be easy. BUT I don't want to be hopeless and I don't want to live by sight. So, please pray that we wouldn't be overwhelmed by the discouraging evidence.
We have chosen hymns for all of our children before they were born. Aslan's is "In Christ Alone." Haddon's is "Take my life." Shepherds is "How deep the Father's love." We chose this song long before he was born. I am grateful, now, as I have sung this song to Shepherd numerous times in his life. And I am grateful that was his song, so that I can hear this truth repeated to myself.
How deep the Father's love for us,
How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure
How great the pain of searing loss,
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the chosen One,
Bring many sons to glory
Behold the Man upon a cross,
My sin upon His shoulders
Ashamed I hear my mocing voice,
Call out among the scoffers
It was my sin that helf Him there
Until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life
I know that it is finished
I will not boast in anything
No gifts, no power, no wisdom
But I will boast in Jesus Christ
His death and resurrection
Why should I gain from His reward?
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom
One night in particular I remember laying in my bed, as tears streamed down my face, and I begged God. I begged him to save my son, but I also begged him to cause me to trust him like Psalm 131, like a weaned child at it's mothers breast. That I would lay quietly and safely in the arms of my Father throughout this. It was in those moments that I was so struck with the weight of what was done on the cross and what it means for my life right now, for Shepherd's life. It hit me with great strength that I am not waiting for God to show me a great act of his love today, at least I shouldn't be. He has alreay done THE most loving thing he possibly could do towards me. He gave his son to set me and Shepherd and us all free from the deadly effects of sin. We still have pain, we still live in a world affected by sin, but it cannot take our souls anymore. And this life is only a vapor. How I long for the day when Heaven is here.
But as I lay there, I knew how it must hurt God for me not to trust him in the midst of my pain or not to trust him with my son. As I watch my son struggle and my heart breaks, I cannot imagine choosing to give his life for the rescue of someone else. And how much more un-fathomable, if that person doubted my commitment and love to them in the future when things got hard.
It would be dumfounding. How could you doubt my love for you when I gave up what was most valuable to me for you? How can you not trust me? Do you not remember what I did?
I pray that I will trust God's love for me similar to the way I hope my children trust my love for them, even when it doesn't make sense. And I pray that I will find my greatest sense of safety in knowing what happened on the cross.
I know well, by now, that I don't have any idea what God is gpoing to do or is doing on an ultimate level. But I do believe He is good. And I do believe He loves me.