Monday, January 29, 2007

I wanna be...

Eph 5:1
“Be ye therefore followers of God, as dear children.”

This verse strikes me especially today. I guess that is because today I have been thinking of who I would like to be like. Having moved to the khaki wearing south from the dredlock wearing Amsterdam, and starting a family soon after, I have these moments where I wonder if I have “lost myself.” I don’t mean that in the serious, spiritual way, but more in the creative,cool way. Have I lost the ability to be spontaneous and “be myself?” In the past 2 ½ years, I have certainly found myself in ways that don’t touch my hairstyle. Ways that make me marvel at Gods grace. I looked at my husband yesterday as we drove together in the car (one of my favorite things to do) and thought, well actually said to him, “I am so glad that God gave you to me, so glad that I got to marry you! And I am. More than I can say in words during a car ride. Knowing him and having our sons has made me come alive and know myself in ways I never imagined. I think of the rest of our lives together and it still isn’t enough. It isn’t enough to hold all the dreams I have for our family. Maybe one day we could live on a farm, or live overseas, or plant a church in Alaska, or live in the jungles of south America, or start a small family business, or build our own log cabin. I look forward to years of diapers, and the smell of a baby right out of the bath, and chubby hands that grab your face and kiss your mouth. I dream of learning together, of talking into the wee hours of night with our teenagers, of surprising our kids with experiences they remember forever and maybe even duplicate with heir families, experiences like midnight adventures after they already put their jammies on. I dream of gardening this summer while my boys play in the yard and discover all the things you can do with dirt. I dream of them wanting to garden with me someday, and us cultivating their own tiny garden with all the plants of their choice.
SO did becoming a wife and mother steal my dreams? Did it take the spark out of my life? Am I even slightly cool anymore? I used to say that when I turned 30, I would shave my head, and I REALLY meant it. Who knows maybe by then my husband will have grown this surprising affection for shaved heads, but I am doubtful. SO have I become this boring khaki wearing, minivan driving, conservative haircut gal I always dreaded? I don’t know. Mabye, maybe not. Do I still wear my patent leather bright orange doc marten boots I brought home from Europe? No. Do I still cut and dye my hair a different color every couple of months? No. But is my life cool and exciting and adventurous? Yes, I think so. I really do. And I hope I can keep growing. I hope I become more carefree, adventurous and spontaneous. I hope God will keep teaching me who I am because of who HE IS. I want to be a follower of GOD, not of one stereotype or another. And I want to be so consumed with following God that I don’t have time be distracted with trying to be like anyone else. One day that may mean that I chop all my hair off on a whim, and wear striped tights under a floral skirt, and the biggest hoop earrings I can find, even if the lady at Food Lion looks at me like a thrift store gone wrong. And one day that means I love my minivan, pull my simple hair back in a ponytail, put on my glasses, slip on some tennis shoes and go play with my boys. Conclusion: I am no longer the bohemian hippy I once was. And I am not a GAP ad. I am Stephanie Joyner, dear child and follower of God. Cool,huh.


Tosha said...

Steph..I think this is so beautiful, it made me cry, I really like your's very true. I guess I can relate to this to a degree and it hit home.

Anonymous said...

I LOVE this! So often I struggle with who I am really... I needed to read this today even though it was written a while back!