Nothing 2 Bring

2012-02-06T18:32:00.008-05:00

Yowzas!

I don't have the time or typing abilities to catch up on all that I have left out of blogging for the past,oh,

too many,

months.

But I do have pictures,

snapshots,

of life.

Just so this season of life doesn't disappear into a black hole.

Cause we all know...

If it isn't blogged about or facebooked...

IT DIDN'T HAPPEN.

And I am not crazy.

THIS stuff happened.

For instance, some of you may be very worried.

You've been thinking that my sister is still pregant.

That makes her like 14 months pregnant.

And, though she is really remarkable, and does lots of things that other women can't seem to accomplish,

staying pregnant for 14 months isn't one of them...

THANK GOD.

In late October, she gave birth to the beautiful Shalom Shea Martin.

They didn't tell me until after she was born that she would share my middle name.

And without making an entire post about this treasured bundle,

I have to say that being a part of her birth was single handedly one of the most beautiful experiences of my life.

I was my sister's foula.

That's a faux- doula.

Or fake-doula.

Depending on how fancy you are.

Regardless,

Since my sister is literally like a part of my physical being in the weird way twins are,

it just made perfect sense to be loving her,encouraging her and rooting her on in the journey of natural childbirth.

I just can't quite explain it.

Here is this beautiful women giving birth to this beautiful little girl,

and I am remembering falling asleep next to my sister when we were kids.

I remember watching her sleep at night, with her pouty lips and her button nose, and thinking, "I love her so much. Sure wish we hadn't fought so much today. She really is quite cute...But man she can be mean when she's awake, But she's sooooo perfect like an angel while she sleeps...I'll try harder tomorrow"

I really adore her in a way words can't always find.

And holding her hand, reminding her of the strength God would give her to accomplish this impossible task,encouraging her...it's what I do...She's my sissy.

I've always felt like that was my job in her life.

Care for her,protect her, lead her (she is 15 months younger than me and needs my mature guidance at times;) serve her, make things as easy as I can for her...

And she's continued to let me do this job, wether I'm any good at it or not.

Thank you,sissy.

Before Summer ended, we made sure to enjoy our cousins and play in creeks...

We even brought our dog, Auggie.

Turns out.

I LOVE our dog.

The first 6-9 months 'bout made me crazy. But the key was a mix of her getting older and us figuring her out. Getting her an electric fence changed our lives, along with finding a bone she would actually chew instead of our socks.

Now....I'm in loooooooove.

Before summer was up, we spent a weekend building an outdoor fire pit. I was happy with the outcome, considering it was made entirely by hand and with rocks that already resided in our yard.

Then on into Fall

and the beginning of school!!

1st grade and Kindergarten this year.

So far so good:)

I have continued to love Sonlight over the past couple of years.

We continue to have to work HARD to keep on a schedule, but such is life.

It turned out that there was a Mudcat's (what, you don't know who the mudcats are?) game the first day of school, which worked out perfectly for giving it that special "first day of school" feel.

We also made it a point to celebrate Fall with a trip to the pumpkin patch. It just never gets old to me. Especially when my amazing parents join in the fun. This day, they actually surprised the boys by driving all the way out the the patch to play with them on a whim. They're whimmy people.

But wouldn't you be for cuteness like this, too?

And that's Shep's favorite day-nurse peeking her hand in there to help him not crush his foot with his gigantic pumpkin of choice.

We adore her.

Shep is doing really well. No major illness since the mastoid infection/hospitalization in the Fall.

Just got word from the Cardiologist that everything looks so good in his heart that they don't want to see us for another year. When we first came home, it was every 2 weeks. He's come a long way in three years.

Right now, we anticipate his next bronch with hopeful decanulation, in the end of March, 2 days before his 3rd birthday. There's no gaurantee but everyone's pretty hopeful.

Time will tell.

We also had the chance to take the boys to a horse riding lesson and see how they liked it.

Haddon, our shy,cautious one,

dove in like his middle name is John Wayne.

It was pretty remarkable to watch. He was really in his element. So I'm gong to have to sell a kidney so that he can ride horses.

It's ok.

He's worth it.

Speaking of people in their element, my dad went with us.

He grew up around horses on the family ranch and apparently they still really have a thing going.

Then, Thanksgiving.

Ahhhh, I loooove Thanksgiving.

Funny story,though.

At random, I was doing some research and became really excited about converting to a more Paleo diet for our family.

We've been on it for about 2 months and we're sold, but we decided to start it 2 days before Thanksgiving.

Right.

Yet it worked out. We were feeling so good and satisfied with out fats that we didn't really feel the need to dive back in to the carbs and sugars...

so we did a Paleo Thanksgiving.

Wasn't much of a sacrifice.

Next post...

Christmas and a trip to Alaska for the whole family!!!

late night prayers

2011-11-29T23:31:00.004-05:00

Some times I don't blog because I don't have anything specific to say.

But more often it is because I have too much to say.

And it all swirls around in my crazy head all day long.

I literally "write" in my head all through the day.

It's how I think.

But it takes TIME to stop and sit and gather all the thoughts like little chicks back to the nest and tie it all together so that it gets communicated for the hopeful use of others.

Anyway, that's the case these days.

I have so much I want to write about,

and so many half written blog posts that I can't seem to finish.

It's not just the time. I can find time.

It's also energy and focus that needs to come at the same moment as time is available.

This is more rare.

I last blogged about the Ronald McDonald House event we spoke at.

It went wonderfully and happened to be the day after my birthday, which made for a very special birthday date.

Tonight, I want to write,

but again I don't have what it takes.

I have the thoughts,

but not the energy.

My heart is heavy for

far too many dear friends weighed down by the heaviness this broken life so often brings.

Sometimes doesn't it just seem like victories are few and defeats are often?

So,instead of watching "Sister Wives,"

a worthwhile endeavor...

I prayed.

Don't be impressed.

I had already watched 2 episodes in a row with my sister today.

I wasn't sincerely depriving myself.

And sometimes the needs of those around us literally stop us dead in our tracks, don't they?

And we are faced with our literal paralyzation.

As true as any paralyzation,

we want to move,

we will ourselves, we imagine what it would feel like,

to free them,

free ourselves,

from the ravage of sins fire.

The fire that always eats up those in its path.

How I long to just do something.

Anything to stop the pain.

The confusion.

The sleepless nights.

So many hurting tonight.

But I can't.

I'm just a paraplegic.

Completely without the ability to bring about the action I so long to do,spiritually speaking.

When it really comes down to it, I can't change anything.

I am not God.

I can be available to him.

I can listen for his voice.

And obey when I hear it.

And that is powerful

But I am quite small in the scheme of things.

Things like the problem of evil and suffering.

My only real hope is that God is not small,

and He is still on His throne.

He is not paralyzed by the gravity of sin.

How it tears families and lives apart.

How it tears worlds apart.

He knew sin had the power to do all this damage, even if it still surprises me.

When my sharp,cutting, dagger words go flying-

and it's not until I see the blood seeping from the wound of the one I love that I shut up.

Then I am shocked at how ugly, how damaging sin is.

When addictions steal away the hope for life and life becomes only that thing,

and it was only meant to be a good time,

an escape from the harder things of life.

And now you have no life.

When wars are fought and children starve every day and it seems

there just isn't enough hope to go around.

It's then I am stopped in my tracks and I am forced...

to pray.

Because what else can I do?

He knew these days would come.

The moment Eve stopped believing his love was true and rich and enough.

Was the moment the Rescue plan was put into place.

And it continues....

today.

So I just pray.

For those who can't seem to sleep tonight for all the weight of things gone wrong.

From the book, "A Diary of Private prayer" by John Baillie

O Thou who art from everlasting to everlasting, I would turn my thoughts to Thee as the hours of darkness and of sleep begin. O Sun of my soul, I rejoice to know that all night I shall be under the unsleeping eye of One who dwells in eternal light.

To Thy care, O Father, I would now commend my body and my soul. All day Thou hast watched over me and Thy companionship has filled my hear with peace. Let me not go through any part of this night unaccompanied by Thee.

Give me sound and refreshing sleep:

Give me safety from all perils:

Give me in my sleep freedom from restless dreams:

Give me control of my thoughts, if I should lie awake:

Give me wisdom to remember that the night was made for sleeping, and not for harboring of anxious or fretful or shameful thoughts. Give me grace, if as I lie abed I think at all, to think upon Thee.

My soul shall be satisfied as with marrow and fatness; and my mouth shall praise thee with joyful lips; when I remember thee upon my bed, and meditate on thee in the the night watches.

To thy care also, O Father, I would commend my friends, beseeching Thee to keep them safe in soul and body, and to be present in their hearts to-night as a Spirit of power and of joy and of restfulness. I pray for.... through Jesus Christ our common Lord. Amen.

Sweet Dreams.

Halloween 2011

2011-11-04T16:59:00.005-04:00

Thought I had posted this one about a month ago.

Woops.

So here it is.

A month late.

But I think worth it:)

HAPPY HALLOWEEN 2011

from the Joyners

otherwise known as Aayla(from Clone wars)

Han Solo

Darth Maul,

Yoda,

and

R2D2.

I had to pull these costumes off without spending any money,folks.

I DID spend $1.99 on face paint.

A pure lack of self control on that one.

I think it was well worth it.

What do you think?

Have I told you lately that I love them?

2011-11-02T18:06:00.005-04:00

SO, I'm in the kitchen cooking dinner,

which means that we are settled in back at home.

There is just something about hospital food to get you barefoot in the kitchen,

if you know what I mean.

Its that home-ness that you miss so much when you're...

not home.

And especially when you're not home because your in a hospital.

This reminds me that I have yet to make Pioneer Woman's Whiskey BBQ chicken I swore I'd make when I got home.

Note to self.

I am making a simplemeal that I found here.

It's not a typical meal for us, but looks good regardless and uses stuff I already have, which is key.

(It WAS good. I made mine into fajitas by sauteing some bell peppers and onions and adding avocados and sour cream in a tortilla, which was all stuff I happened to have around.)

I was planning on linguine and clam sauce but opened the fridge and saw chicken I had thawed out,

which made me have a "Either I cook something with chicken TONIGHT or we all gettin' Ecoli" tomorrow night" moment.

Not at all a valid thing to write about.

So back to what I was saying about HOME.

You miss it terribly when you're gone.

And hospital food makes you want risk Ecoli and another hospital stay just to get good, home- cooked food.

When Shep was hospitalized for the first two months of his life, we were remarkably blessed to stay at the Ronald McDonald house of Chapel Hill.

This "house that love built" fed us night after night, served up McDonald's coffee every morning, and had volunteers who made it their week's joy to make homemade peanut butter cookies that bring tears to my eyes.

Not because I'm feeling emotional.

Simply because they were THAT good.

And food is an idol of mine.

I could literally go on AND on AND on about my love affair with the Ronald McDonald house.

Which is why I get so excited every time they call us and ask us to share our story with a group of people in hopes that people will give towards their work.

Over the past 2 years, we have continued to stay involved with the RMH and coming up this weekend we get to attend one of their largest fundraisers for the second time.

While there, we will have the opportunity to not only get up and share our story with the group of donors invited, but also to be present when the RMH shows the video they recently put together to kick off their big renovation/building campaign.

They asked us if we'd be willing to be in the video.

I asked them if I could throw a Kate Gosselin style tantrum for drama's sake.

They said no.

But they did follow our family around a local park last week with cameras and boom mics, causing many poor people to believe there is a reality show being taped in the triangle area, and we are the stars.

But seeing as we are neither famous, drug addicted,rich, or parents to 20+ children, I don't see a reality TV show in our future.

At least not yet.

As soon as I get the OK, I'll post the video up here.

It really is beautiful and you'll get to meet two beautiful families, willing to share their beautiful stories and beautiful children with the world, in the midst of their suffering.

And yes, you should get your kleenex out for the occasion.

And since I doubt you will be attending the event this weekend,

just in case you wanna know what I tell people interested in giving to the RMH...

here ya go.

Try to pretend you are dressed up all fancy like...

(this speech was for a luminary lighting Xmas event, so context will be a bit different this weekend, but you get the point)

Good evening. We appreciate you folks inviting our

family here tonight to share about an experience very

precious to us.

Almost 2 years ago, our third son was born with a

heart defect we had not previously known about,

requiring heart surgery at a mere 4 days old. Being

only 5 pounds at the time and with a number of

anatomical abnormalities, his recovery went much

worse than expected- resulting in a 2 month stay at the

RMH of Chapel Hill. It was then that it was no longer

just the place McDonalds collects coins for . In large

part, because of their remarkable service to families,

the worst 2 months of this families life was also the

most remarkable 2 months of our lives. You see, no

one notified us before our son was born, that we

would need to prepare to fight for his life upon his

arrival into this world. But at the RMH, they knew.

Sure they didn’t know the Joyners by name…yet. But

they knew there would be families just like us. It’s

what they live and breath there…Families.

And so while I was home preparing nursery bedding,

they were busy preparing for us.

They were preparing a place where instead of leaving

our then 2 and 3 year old boys in another town with

family for 2 months, they could play cowboys and

indians with other children in the halls of the RMH.

Where they could greet us with their refreshing love

after a long day at the hospital. Where we could eat

dinner together in the evening (for free) and snuggle

together at night, before starting the fight again in the

morning. It is thanks to the RMH that our boys

remember those months with great fondness, not with

tears and loneliness. The folks at the RMH had

readied a place where a mother who thought she

would be cradling her newborn and nursing him,

could instead use their hospital grade pumps through

the night hours and store milk for my baby in a

special freezer…just for moms like me. A place

where I could do laundry like a normal mom, though

nothing in my life at the time seemed normal.

Massages on Thursday, peanut butter cookies on

Wednesday, therapy dogs for the siblings on

Monday, shuttles to and from the hospital

hourly…EVERYTHING I needed and nothing I’d

thought of. How could I have known what this little

family would need to get through the battle of a

lifetime? Gratefully, I didn’t need to know…because

they make it their job to.

The first night in Chapel Hill, we were dropped off at

a strange hotel, ushered to a non-smoking room that

smelled heavily like smoke, and we fell into bed,

numb, grief stricken and anxious…and it cost us far

too much.

This is a stark contrast to peanut butter cookies,living

rooms, and dinners. The rest of our stay those months

was in the RMH of CH. It doesn’t take a math wiz to

figure out that for the average family enduring a long

hospital stay, between the hotel and food and travel,

the financial burden can be crippling. And many

families are forced to make the impossible choice of

either leaving their sick child alone to struggle…or

drown trying. Because of the RMH, this family didn’t

have to make that decision.

You see, at the end of the day, for every family at the

RMH, there is only one thing that matters- the fight

for life. And as you wage the war- they are there, in

your corner, making sure we could do just that…

live. So that when you walk beyond the beeping

monitors, sounding alarms, and sullen faces, through

those hospital doors…and into the space where life

still goes on…there they are…making life possible in

an impossible time. Miraculously, my son survived

and is doing wonderfully, though for many families

the story will end differently. So when you light these

luminaries, please remember what it is you are

helping to make possible for families in their darkest

of days. You are making it possible for them to go on

hoping and living in a place where they make it their

primary goal to kindle hope in the midst of pain.

You wanna pull out your fat wallet and give, right?

Please say yes.

At least that's what I hope happens.

The boys carting each other out on the carts that are for luggage at the RMH in 2009

They felt right at home at the RMH

Easter Morning, getting ready for church at the RMH 2009

2011-10-19T14:57:00.002-04:00

Shepherd did great. Will share more later.

He is just done. Done with IV's. Done with pain. Just done and asking for this brothers.

And they are going to let us be done.

They're trying to get us out of here right now.

Yay!

Of course, now the good weather is long gone.

It's cloudy,rainy, and foggy and I hear it's not changing any time soon.

The picnic will have to wait.

But we don't care too much.

Cause we can wait from home.

10 AM tomorrow...

2011-10-18T21:23:00.006-04:00

I'm gonna try to keep this short and sweet.

hardy har har.

I know.

But I've got a big day tomorrow and I am just hoping that my new niece wants to stay in warm,beautiful, momma belly through the night.

Any time after noon tomorrow should work just fine little lady.

But if not,I may have very little sleep and a timing issue on my hands.

But why am I complaining?

It's not like I have to push a baby out into the world.

But this marvelous woman will very,very soon.

And I have to admit I have kind of hated the timing of all of this.

I wish my gorgeous sister didn't have to share the arrival of her daughter with the hospitalization of her nephew.

She has been so gracious, loving on me and my boys while she is due any day.

She is beautiful, in so many ways.

If I were Queen of the world and could plan these things, I would say, I am SO SORRY,sis.

But I know that you know that,

I am not.

And we shall trust God's timing on this thing together, shall we?

Anyway.

There have been a number of times since arriving at the Emergency room on Saturday that we have wondered why exactly we were still being kept at the hospital.

But this morning I got word that we were going home!

So I wearily but hopefully drove into Chapel Hill to bring my family home.

Noah and I had switched off duties the day before(Noah in the hospital,me at home with the older boys)

I decided that what we needed was a picnic.

My poor albino child has not seen the light of these GORGEOUS Fall days!

(He's not really albino. I jokingly said that then thought..it is Shepherd)

He can't even leave his room and walk around.

He just has to play games with the blinds, pulling them up and down and watching the constructions crews down below.

So a picnic it was.

Soon after I arrived, one of the ENT doctors came by to inform us that he highly recommended we NOT go home but instead stay on and get tubes in Shep's ears tomorrow.

This whole tubes in ears thing has really thrown us.

It's the kid's first ear infection for heaven's sake.

But after a LOT of questions and much bullying on our part, we feel confident this is the best thing for Shep.

Though we went into the hospital because of Respiratory distress(that can now officially be blamed on the adno virus)

He has stayed on, because of that incident 2 weeks ago(where Shep lost his balance from an ear infection)

Apparently, even after sending us home last time, the airway team has continued to talk about their concern for Shepherd and his loss of balance and infection of the "mastoid."

I now know that the mastoid is a honeycomb shaped bone that is part of the skull and near the ear.

They were planning on calling us to check on him at home, but well, we came to them:)

And upon our arrival,it was confirmed that this "mastoid infection" still remained.

AND upon another 4 days of IV antibiotics this hospital trip,

it still remains!

We can send him home and hope it goes away on it's own,risking things like the spreading of infection to the brain and loss of hearing...

Or he can get tubes put in tomorrow and it will drain the puss from his ears and also give us the option of directly putting antibiotic drops that are 10,000x stronger than oral antibiotics into his ears.

So we chose that option.

But I'll admit, not easily.

I HATE SURGERIES.

NOAH HATES SURGERIES.

NO MATTER HOW MINOR.

Our experience,especially with Shep, is that nothing is simple.

Nothing is cut and dry and he is always in the minority.

So,

true story?

I'm hating this.

And really quite afraid for tomorrow.

NO matter how minimal it may be.

Will you pray with us for tomorrow?

**Shepherd has this virus which is causing him lots of coughing.

This will put him at greater risk during the anesthesia process for having bronchiospasms.

Please pray for protection from this.

**Please pray that we will have peace during the surgery. We've waited through too many surgeries with Shepherd, not knowing if we would have him on the other side. That even small surgeries take us to uncomfortable places.

***Please pray there will not be any complications.period.

If this doesn't work to clear this problem up, there are other, less pleasing options ahead.

He's on the books for 10am tomorrow. It should take 10-15 minutes once he's under anesthesia. We will then stay overnight and prayerfully go home by Thursday.

Sigh.

We're stinkin' tired.

I'm not gonna lie.

I'm ready to push the "easy" button.

But I am also very grateful for the care and protection of God through the hands of skilled doctors and an all too familiar hospital.

And my little guy?

He's downright amazing.

He has endured so much pain and pokes and prods and intermuscular injections....I lost you,didn't I?

The point is he has the most remarkable personality and

basically just rocks our world, along with his courageous brothers,

who bear being away from mommy and daddy and just keep giving,just keep loving,keep laughing...I can't believe I get these people as friends, as children.

So, when I went up to the hospital today,

I brought Shepherd up some necessities.

Things like suction catheters,underwear, pajamas, and dragon suits.

Just the basics.

You know.

Must haves.

Don't you agree?

Completely necessary.

Oh, and if you've never seen a mute child roar like a dragon,

you've not lived.

Thank you for praying with us...

I am going to bed and maybe I'll sleep through the night.

Maybe I will spend the night coaching my sister through the birthing process.

Always an adventure...

Welcoming Seasons

2011-10-16T09:16:00.007-04:00

First things first.

I'll give you two guesses as to where I am typing this from.

No! Not the spa!

No! Not shopping my heart out!

No! Not relaxing at a coffee shop while I write!

My next favorite place...

Yup! The hospital! With Shepherd...

Alright so when I say "favorite" I mean

Geeeeeshhh! Enough with the dramatics!!!

Enough with the hospital already!

I hate drama.

I bet you don't believe me.

But it's no joke.

It's why I didn't like junior high..or high school for that matter...or having friends that were girls.

That was then.

I clearly feel differently about the issue now. My best friends are ALL girls.

Well,except that one hot guy I live with.

Anyway.

I am here with unkept,unwashed______________ fill in the blank with hair,clothes,teeth,etc.

And Shep is here in his bed charming the nurses and doctors,while simultaneously trying to take their jobs.

He is trying to suction himself, using the buttons on his bed to pump himself up and down, figuring out how to plug and unplug all of his equipment independently and putting his blood pressure cuff on and off on demand.

He is a riot.

No lie.

Last time we were here, a nurses aid offered to try and find him Thomas the train videos in passing.

He then proceeded to ring the nurse call button on the remote unceasingly while signing"train".

Poor gal.

With him being so self sufficient in the medical realm, they have decided to keep him here to train all the young ones on the 5 Children's floor. With budget cuts and all, if all kids can take their own vitals, they could save some serious dough.

Or so I've heard.

THAT, and the fact that the pulmonary team has decided that Shepherd's history with infection(specifically his numbers in the bronch that was done in August) seem to show that he may have a bunch of nasty bacteria that's been hanging out doing damage for some time.

When they did his bronch they saw what looked like infection and treated him with oral antibiotics.

The head Doc came by this morning and said that the amount of bacteria that the August culture showed would usually slam any kid in the hospital and make him very sick.

Shepherd had no symptoms and no fever at all.

But they chose to give him oral antibiotics at the time.

She feels confident that oral antibiotics would not deal with this strong an infection.

This probably has something to do with the whole ear infection that landed him in the hospital a couple of weeks ago being so brutal,too.

SO, though he's feeling much better, they want to leave him here for a couple of days at least and get him a bunch of IV antibiotics in him, in hopes that he will finally kick these bugs for good.

Sigh.

So glad that we know this now.

Not so glad that my sister is due any day now with my niece and I am her unofficial duola.

And this timing seems,um,less than ideal.

But anything else would be too free of drama, don't you think?

Anyway, sitting here in the hospital makes me think of all of the things I wish I was home doing.

I LOVE the Fall. I LOVE this time of year. I love life lived slow,gracious,sweet,

savoring moments.

This has not been life recently and I am seeking God on ways to change this.

But some things can not be changed.

Like being in the hospital instead of outside having a picnic.

Yet,

Thank you God for having a hospital available.

Thanking you for using this place and these people to make my son well.

EVEN if, they don't let me sleep at night.

Thank You,Lord.

I'll spend these days grateful.

And planning on things like

making this Whiskey BBQ Chicken from Pioneer Woman,

when I get home.

I know,right?

I'm thinking I'll whip up some Pumpkin Spice Latte action.

Maybe use a recipe like this one.

Pumpkin Spice Latte

compliments of THIS blog

Ingredients:

2 cups milk
1 cup very strong coffee (4 tablespoons coffee grounds to 1 cup of hot water) I,Stephanie, use my espresso machine for espresso and steaming the milk

2 tablespoons vanilla

4 teaspoons sugar

1/2 teaspoon pumpkin pie spice or cinnamon spice
2 heaping spoonfuls of pumpkin

Directions:

Pour all of the ingredients into a pot and heat over medium-high heat until the coffee is steaming hot, whisking with a wire whisk until the ingredients are incorporated and a little frothy. Pour into mugs and top with fresh whipped cream & cinnamon. Enjoy!

Note- If you are not a fan of the cinnamon texture, I am seeing in the comments and through Facebook that adding a cinnamon stick to the coffee mixture while heating it can be a great remedy to the cinnamon texture. This way you get all of the cinnamon taste, but none of the grit! This is just a base recipe that can be played with to your own tastes and preferences. It is meant to be personalized depending on how you like your latte! Thank you all for trying and sharing this recipe! The response has been overwhelming on this one!

Prep Time: 5 minutes

Total Time: 5 minutes

Serving Size: 2

And I am thinking of taking up knitting again this fall.

I've never been really great at it but I do enjoy it in its most basic form.

I'm sure with a little focus, I could work up a dish rag or something.

Here's some inspiration

Found at THIS blog

So here we are and shall be for at least a couple of days.

Perhaps, I can make the time pass easier by this type of day dreaming.

And a trip by daddy and brothers to come hang out later today.

Until then,Mimi and I will continue to enjoy lovin' on our boy...without Pumpkin Spice Lattes.

2011-10-06T13:10:00.002-04:00

This is a photo of our girl when she first arrived at the orphanage very sick.

Her scalp looks much worse now, but she has a head of beautiful hair covering it.

I just heard from my sis-in-law and she wanted to know if I was ok with cutting it off.

She's right.

We need to treat it ALL and not have all the hair in the way. This is serious.

But,

boooohoooooo.

I know it's just hair.

Beautiful hair on a beautiful girl.

And I want her completely well.

Still.

Boohooo.

Here's to praying it's not done in vain and that this is the last time she ever has to have this done.

Here's to praying that sooner rather than later, she will be home and getting bows put in her hair, no matter how short it is....

Update

2011-10-04T18:52:00.003-04:00

Hey guys!

Wanted to update you on the situation with our girl.

We couldn't afford to send her over the border for care and so we just prayed for healing and sent her to the local clinic(though this is often unsuccessful)

My sis in law took her and reported back that there was a new doctor there who impressed her greatly.

He spent 45 minutes with them and got Our girl's full medical history.

He was shocked at how far it had gotten and was convinced that treating it as we have in the past would not be successful.

He feels confident that she suffers from both bacterial and parastic infections and is choosing to treat both aggressively(as aggressive as one can in Ha*ti)

She will be on oral antibiotic,oral antiparasitic, antibiotic shots,antibacterial topical cream and antifungal shampoo and soap.

whew!

That ought to at least hold it at bay,right?!

God willing.

Thank You for praying for healing for our princess.

It seems that God chose to provide this through a new doctor at the clinic and for this we are so grateful

And for your prayers, we are SO grateful.

How can one family be indebted to so many peoples love,support, and prayers?

I am always amazed.

Thank You,Thank you, Thank you.

Here I am again...

2011-10-03T10:36:00.002-04:00

Here I am again,

asking for your prayers.

Let's just get used to it, shall we?

After all, that's what I am.

A woman in great need.

That's what we are.

A people in great need...

of a Saviour.

That is why I know Him.

Just heard from my sis-in-law, who is currently in Ha*ti at the orphanage where our daughter is.

Our daughter has had a recurring scalp infection since we have known her.

When she first arrived at the orphanage, she was so ill that those who were there thought they were watching her die.

An American friend of mine held her in her arms and said she feared that she would die right there.

She was hospitalized and recovered, but has consistently struggled with this scalp infection.

I wonder if she was septic from an infection at the time.

Anyhow.

We have tried to treat it numerous times and it continues to come back.

While she resides in Ha*ti, I fear that she will never be able to be rid of the infection.

My sister-in-law called this morning to say that it is the worst she has ever seen it and no one can do her hair or touch her scalp.

She has large lumps on her head and pestules covering her scalp.

My resources to help her are limited.

But God's are not.

I can't help but think, "Just get her home."

"As soon as she's home, we'll make her well, finally, really well."

As if my care is the absolute definitive,loving care for her.

But God cares for her there, in Ha*ti, along with the other orphans.

Father to the fatherless.

I'm studying through the book of Acts right now.

And I can't ignore the power of God as displayed through his people, and through their prayers and acts.

Is the only solution a practical one?

Will you pray with me that God will simply heal her little head?

Just that?

He is there with her,though I am not.

And His power and resources are endless.

Oh, God, help me to trust you with timing.

On days like this,

I just want them home.

Just found out that today is....

2011-10-02T14:50:00.005-04:00

A picture from our engagement shoot,

taken by the talented Melissa Pearce with Tesoro Photography(then she was just Mel, my first friend in NC)

7 years later.

In the most recent family photos the talented Heba Salama took. She's family:)

If Noah and I are anything, we are people with attention to detail.

Mmmhmmm.

You got that right.

Dee-tail.

Which is why this morning's happenings were completely surprising to those who know us!

If you want a good laugh and a new standard by which to judge the success of your marriage,

listen to this one...

As you know, we have had an eventful weekend, what with our youngest being in the hospital with his own episode of "Medical mysteries" and all.

I just feel the need to preface that for anyone who wants to comment on what terrible people we are,after hearing this story.

I just dare ya...

Soooo, after our weekend, we spent yesterday settling in back home and cleaning the curdled milk cups off the counter, taking the trash out, doing the stinky dishes.

We had literally run out of the house Thursday morning in a mad dash to the ER, so we had quite a little mess awaiting our arrival.

And so we sauntered in to church this morning, quite proud of ourselves for,well,

arriving.

And arrive we did, 3 handsome princes in tow.

After the first service and on our way to drop kids off in their classes, a sweet friend from our small group came up to me.

She's sweet like honey sweet.

She gave me those sympathetic eyes and asked how we were doing,considering everything.

"Goooood." I replied, hugging her neck.

Such a precious friend, she is.

Then she looked at me with those compassionate eyes and those sweet as honey words and said,

"And Happy Anniversary!!!"

"huh?!"

"No, "I scoffed. "It's not my anniversary."

"October 2nd?" she asked. Questioning doe eyes locked on mine.

It took about 5 seconds for me to put the pieces together.

She says my anniversary is on October 2nd.

She is right.

Today can't be Oct. 2nd.

Oh, wait, yes it is.

Today is my anniversary.

I did what any normal person would do.

I doubled over laughing hysterically. Then yelled across the courtyard to my husband, in front of everyone,

"HONEY!!!! TODAY IS OUR ANNIVERSARY!!!!"

Then got the same look from him that I had given our friend/personal calendar.

"No, wait, oh. Woops."

We laughed.

And friends said things like, "Are you serious?!"

and

"I'd be concerned if it wasn't you guys."

Cause really.

I can at least speak for myself that I am definitely a "big picture" kind of gal and not a "detail" thinker.at.all.

All my attention to detail went into what I was going to wear this morning.

Can that be an excuse?

Big picture?

I can do.

Truth is I LOVE THIS MAN and would marry him for another seven years were I to get the chance.

And one of the things I love about him is that we could look at each other, laugh, and just "get" how this happened.

We get to share this crazy life.

And that is what it comes down to. The past seven years have been full of surprises.

Some good and some bad.

But all of them, we've faced together and there isn't a person in the world I want to share this journey with, besides my Noah.

I really think I could have gone with or without getting married.

Take it or leave it.

I was only willing to get married if the person I married was going to make me better.

And he has.

Recently, as we banged down the mountains of Northern Haiti, being assaulted with dust, and trying to keep from getting a concussion on the camper shell our heads kept hitting...

we just kept looking at each other and saying,

"We sure married the right person.

Who does this?!"

If I am crazy, I am so glad this man is willing to be crazy with me.

Cause I am crazy in love with him.

Better late than never.

"HAPPY 7TH ANNIVERSARY, NOAH JOYNER."

We're Hoooooome!

2011-10-01T10:26:00.003-04:00

Thank you all so much for praying for Shepherd over the past few days.

We are now happily at home.

And so grateful for it.

They ran blood work on Shep and did an MRI and both showed up looking totally fine.The MRI did shoe built op fluid and what looked like infection deep,beyond the ear.

On top of that, by the second day in the hospital, after receiving antibiotics through IV, he was quickly regaining his balance.

With all of this being said, everyone, including us, feels confident that this had something to do with his ear infection or possibly a post viral symptom or perhaps both.

Either way, considering he has no history of anything neurologically or in his ears, everyone considers this a freak incident.

And we all feel great about sending him home.

It was crazy, though,folks.

Aint no lie.

When that little munchkin woke up on Thursday morning and we stood him up, he literally just tipped over.

Even in the ER, he couldn't sit up straight on his own,unsupported, much less ask him to turn his head and he'd go falling over.

SO unnerving.

But he is feeling SO much better and has almost all of his balance back.

Only we would notice that he's a little "out of alignment" when he goes careening down the hall.

THANK YOU for supporting us with your prayers.

There were many moments that I needed,WE needed, great faith that we don't have and it was provided.

In large,because of you, so thank you.

Thank you.

Now I am going to go back to snuggling with 3 little boys under a blanket and reading books,while Fall breezes whistle in through the windows.

Thank You, Lord, for your kindness and mercy.

Thank you, to his people for showing this to us.

Update

2011-09-30T00:08:00.003-04:00

Hey there everyone.

Just a quick update before I slam my head to the pillow for the night,

or at least until a monitor beeping or Dr. checking or baby crying wakes me up...

As my sister said before, Shep has been complaining of a headache here and there the past couple of days but nothing that slowed him down.

Then yesterday, it was his ears hurting,too, and his tummy, but no fever or other symptoms.

This morning when we got him out of bed and set him down, he just tipped right over.

He has no ability to balance, wether standing or sitting.

We took him to the ER right away, where they looked at his ears and checked his blood count.

He does have an ear infection and his blood work looks good.

It's possible that this has to do with his ear infection but no one we have spoken with has ever seen an ear infection cause a lack of balance in a child this young.

They've also pretty much ruled out meningitis, because of how "well" he seems other than the balance issue.

There is the possibility of it being something with a big medical name that I will not try to pronounce, which just means that kids get their balance messed up after a virus.

We're hoping it's something like this.

obviously.

We spent the WHOLE day (7am-7pm) in the ER, and finally a bed opened up at our favorite tarheel hospital.

We got here around 9pm by ambulance transport and Shep has fallen asleep exhausted.

Even with everything,he is all smiles.

That kid just kills me.

really.

We'll stay the night here tonight and they will do an MRI tomorrow to rule out any neurological concerns.

I'll keep you updated.

Please pray for wisdom for the doctors from the giver of life and the great physician.

We've gotten a lot of "hmmms" and "uhhuhh" without much of the rattling off the list of minor things it probably is....

this is discomforting.

And then there's the whole being admitted to the hospital,

the very hospital that seems to like to hold on to us and not let us go.

Anyway.

So tired.

Praying for a good outcome tomorrow and heading home to our babies with our baby.

Praying for God's peace.

Will you pray with us?

Please Pray.

2011-09-29T10:58:00.003-04:00

This is Stephanie's sister Miranda. I am posting for Steph because they had to take Shepherd in to the ER this morning. He's been under the weather the past few days and has had an ear infection in one ear. But when he woke up this morning he was unable to sit or stand up. Would you please keep their family in your prayers today? Steph has just spoken with the ER Dr. and she said she thought it was most likely something like vertigo from his ear infection but she still has never seen a child react in this way to an ear infection. They are going to send him to the picu of another hospital to run some more tests and give him an MRI. I will update the blog as I can for them.

Thank you for loving my sis and her family by lifting them up before the Lord.

2011-09-19T13:43:00.004-04:00

Ya know that Button on the right hand side of our page?

The heart with Ha*ti cut out of it?

That image was created by the talented Todd Kavanaugh over a year ago, in response to what God was doing in hearts,

ours included

when they thought of Ha*ti.

This developed into the ministry, Ha*tiLove.

You can click on the heart button to go to the site and read more in depth about what exactly Ha*tiLove does.

I suggest you do :)

But I have not been as clear as I could be about what OUR family's role is in the work of Ha*tiLove.

So as our family begins transitioning to full-time Hai*tiLove work,I want to strive to share much more about this work on the blog.

I thought I'd begin with OUR families story and where we are in the missionary process.

(this is an actual letter we send out to possible supporters, and it explains it best)

It goes a little something like this....

In January 2010, The Joyner’s, a small family living in a small town in North Carolina, gathered their three young boys around them in the living room and watched the television screen, stunned at the images before them, never having given much thought to this small Caribbean island an hours flight from Miami.

Bad things happen in a bad world every day. We watch the news. Our hearts ache. But for some reason, this ache, this time, led us to pray. It led us to ask God. And so, with tiny hands clasped in with Mom and Dad hands, we gathered around and asked “What can we do, God?” We prayed for the children and for the brokenness. We prayed that God would do what He does so well. We prayed He would take death and produce life. And God answered.

3 months after the earthquake, Noah accompanied friends and family to Ouanaminthe, Ha*ti. While there, he met a pastor and 45 children and a community broken and a church lost. And everything changed. And as our pastor reminds us, “Love is action.” Over the past year this love has compelled us into ministry in Ouanaminthe, Ha*ti . In the past 18 months, Noah has led teams on over 7 trips, with a handful more still to come this year.

Along the way we have started a ministry at our church called Ha*tiLove.

It has become clear over the past 6 months that for Ha*tiLove to successfully minister in Ha*ti, someone needs to give their full attention to this ministry. Our church has encouraged Noah to take on this role. This position is well suited for Noah seeing that it encompasses missions, teaching, and pastoral leadership. We also see God doing great things through us in Ha*ti.

Ha*ti has long faced natural disasters, political unrest, poverty, famine, voodoo, and corruption, and we want to help.

So we are readying ourselves for the road ahead. And we are asking for your support. We believe that for Ha*tiLove to grow as we think God desires, our family will need to raise financial support as non-resident missionaries to Ha*ti. This will make it possible for Noah to function as the Director of Ha*tiLove. Noah will continue to travel to Ha*ti about every 6 weeks, he will actively seek to involve more churches in partnership with Ha*tiLove and he will continue to oversee ministry to Ha*ti at North Wake Church.

Will you join with us? First, will you pray? We work in a country filled with evil and suffering. The work we do is so much greater than our abilities to do it. Second, will you give? Our work will not continue apart from your generosity. Third, will you help us connect? Please help us to connect with people in your network; your church, friends, and family. We would love to come and speak with you and your friends about what God is doing in Ha*ti.

*****If you would like to be a part of the team of people who support us,either through prayer or finances, you may email me at joynerfamily@ymail.com,or post on the blog. We want to know who you are and get you on a contact list for keeping you updated on what is going on.If you'd like to give a one time gift or support us long term,you can also go directly to our church's website to give online and get started with your monthly support today.

Just be sure to put "HaitiLove missionary support" in the drop down box:)

I pray this clarifies what role OUR family and OUR gifts play in the work of Ha*tiLove.

Again, to get a more detailed explanation of what Ha*tilove does, feel free to visit the site at www.haitilove.net or simply click the heart on the top right of my sidebar.

So, that's it....

We are prayerfully starting our engines of missionary support raising!!!

I will share more about this in the next couple of days.

I actually have a blog post I wrote after spending a day in prayer about this and other financial hurdles facing our family.

But I wanted to start you out with some basic information first.

Please feel free to post any questions you have!

More to come!

So grateful that you all will be walking with us in our need to see God work in mighty ways!

Mt. Everest

2011-09-16T12:43:00.008-04:00

( I wrote this last week, during a day spent away in prayer about many things heavy on my heart)

image courtesy of Michal Marcol

Today,

I had to run.

I HAD to pray.

I had to question,cry,be disappointed,

and be filled with hope.

Cause I've really been struggling.

So I took a half day of prayer

(don't be impressed. I tried to get out of it)

To be blatantly honest,

this week I have struggled with sheer hopelessness.

And it has made me sad,discouraged,tired,angry...you know

...a HUGE blessing to my family.

Over the past year and a half,

God has led our lives to some pretty spectacular places.

And through this leading, I believe,

we find ourselves in some very challenging spots as of late.

To give you a picture,

I REALLY feel like I am just standing at the base of Mount Everest,

looking up and thinking...

what?!?!?!?!?!!?!?

How?!?!?!??!

What, you think this is amusing to watch me try to climb this thing and come tumbling down Jack -and -Jill style??

Or even better, get close to the top, only to get altitude sickness,just sit down and die?

IT.

IS.

IMPOSSIBLE.

Surely, you know this Lord?

Surely you don't want to make a fool of me and my family?

But then why so much impossibility?

I don't mind hard things,tooooo bad.

I won't complain,tooo bad.

But the impossible?!

That's just cruel.

Let me elaborate.

We want to do work in Ha*ti.

We've been led by God to do this in the form of a ministry developed this past year out of our local church.

(a button that links to the site can be found at the top right)

We believe strongly that God has blessed this ministry and for it's continued success,

it needs someone's full attention.

So that's what we've done for almost an entire year.

The work has been challenging and oh so wonderful.

Almost a year ago, Noah stopped working at his regular job and began working on this ministry full time.

Most people don't know that.

To be honest, I've not known how much I should share about our families personal financial situation on my...

blog.

Or at all sometimes.

I mean, I don't mind being open,

but I have as much personal pride as the next gal.

Not to mention that whole privacy thing.

I really do like it sometimes.

Anyway....

We've been diligently working on the development of Ha*tiLove, along with the daily workings of keeping a ministry of partnerships between many people in 2 countries up and running and functional.

This truly keeps Noah busy on a "full time" basis,40 +hrs a week, blah blah.

Then there's the going to Ha*ti for 2 weeks every 6 weeks thing.

He's working harder than I have ever see him work.

And I couldn't be more proud.

And now we need desperately to raise the missionary support to sustain this work and our family for a long term basis.

It has been slow going, getting our support up and running.

I some ways the slow going can be attributed to details that needed working out to be able to raise support through the local church, and some can be attributed to us being so busy working on the tyranny of the urgent in Ha*ti, we can't seem to find the time to raise the support for our family.I'm sure some can even be attributed to our own unbelief and hesitance in this matter.

And now, we are a year into this,

and needing desperately to get our missionary- support- raising going.

It's a real nail-biter, if ya know what I mean?

Simply put,

we KNOW this is God's plan for our family.

No question.

I'm not gonna lie.

I pretty much hate this whole money raising thing.

It's a little bit,

or a lot,

humbling.

Sometimes I just get sick of being the ones in need.

Isn't that prideful of me?

Boy would I love to be a bit more self sufficient.

You know?

like real adults?

Except that those aren't the kind of real adults God has shaped us into.

Right now,

they are the kind in need.

Who hopefully reflect God's greatness in their weakness.

Hopefully.

image courtesy of Ambro

Another reason why I had to hit the pavement this afternoon was the adoption.

I promised myself as I ran that I wouldn't stop a SINGLE minute sooner than I was allowed,

and I picked the hardest route I have to run on my ipod.

(I run with this "couch to 10k" type app, but I'm closer to the couch than the 10k)

With this app, I can listen to my playlist while simultaneously following a directed plan.

So mid-song, the music dims and a nice, british woman named "Allyson," comes on and gently reminds me that I have "5 more minutes" before I can walk for one minute.

And as it goes, "2 more minutes"...

on and on, she kindly reminds me in her sing-song voice, that there is an end in sight,if I'll just keep going.

She even tells me when to "walk" and when to "run!"

She's very helpful.

Because her guidance means I can just worry about one thing...

running.

And none of the other details,

like how long I have left still to go, or how far I've gone already,

for that matter.

Just run.

And don't stop 'till I tell you to.

And walk when I say you need a breather.

And run when it's time.

This is what I needed from God today.

Just the reminder that he is with me and all I have to worry about is,

to be sure I,

Just.

Keep.

Going.

As a symbolic act for my heart,

I didn't allow myself to take any extra breaks or stop even seconds before sweet Allyson suggested I "walk."

Isn't there just something about running when you're heart is breaking and your out of your own strength and resources and you feel like you've got nowhere to go and nothing left but your own ugly heart and hopelessness.

I get it, Forest Gump.

I really do.

There is something about the physical challenge to match the spiritual and emotional one.

And the silence ad no distractions.

When I run, I feel like my emotions are so raw and there's no pretending I am strong.

But I also feel as though my senses are highly aware,

and I can hear my Father's voice clearly.

And he said to just keep going,

and tell the story of what He is doing

and to see what He wanted to do,

and just be faithful with the very little I could do.

But I won't lie, I have MANY fears

and often get the feeling I am standing on the stage, de-pantsed, after the high school B-ball game.

Don't laugh.

It happened to me.

And it's not the reason I left high school early and got my GED.

I don't think.

Though I do clearly remember begging God on my way home that night,

for him to have mercy on me,

and bring the rapture before I had to go back to school on Monday.

In the words of Garth Brooks, "Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers"

And apparently it was to become a pattern....

humility comes in many shapes and sizes.

Right now, it has taken the shape of raising support to be non-resident missionaries to Ha*ti and adopting 2 children.

The mountain we face with adoption is directly connected to the mountain of our support raising.

Let me explain a little.

Last I told you, Ha*ti wasn't going to allow us to adopt for another 2 1/2 years because of age requirements that we do not meet.

This week, we were told that someone very important in Ha*ti was willing to hear our case and interested in helping us.

Someone who could make all the difference.

PRAISE GOD!

And I did...

for like 3 seconds.

Before I started to FREAK OUT!!!

Because WE CANNOT ADOPT!!!!!

NOT NOW!

Not without an income that supports a seven member family!!!

And we haven't raised all of our support yet,remember?

Mt.Everest again.

In the words of the british philosopher, Austin Powers,"throw me a friggin bone here!"

Their government says they are open to helping us adopt...finally...and we can't,

because we not only don't have enough money saved up for the adoption,

but we don't even have an income.

And FYI, no government gets excited about giving two more children to a family with no substantial, secured, income.

Makes sense.

Yet God has said to walk forward.

And I know we must.

With dreams/nightmares that go a little something like this...

We finally get our homestudy done and it lands on someone's desk at immigration (this particular person may or may not have a wort on her nose with stray hairs growing out of it.One cannot really say for sure) and random person looks at our family and our income and the whole "situation", and with eyes rolled back in their head,

they grab the REJECT stamp and with clawed hands,

bang the gavel/stamp down onto our papers with the verdict,

INADEQUATE TO ADOPT,

Fools!

I'm really afraid of that.

All joking aside.

I know from the outside looking in, we look like a mess.

But in my opinion,

a mess is two children who dug through garbage for the first years of their life,

and a little girl who needs the protection of a daddy desperately, as she already builds patterns of survival,relying on her God given beauty.

And a young boy, quickly growing into a young man, who has only ever been told that he is blind.

And only blind.

He's not smart and special and made perfect. No.

He's just the blind kid, the one who's easy to steal from and pick on because he can't defend himself.

And NO.

Those children thrown away like trash are priceless treasures. And I will proudly call them mine and give them my name. Those are Joyner's.

And they are worth fighting for.

And they are more important than my pride.

So I am asking for all of you to pray with us for the impossible.

We simply can't climb Mt.Everest alone.

We aren't even athletic,for heaven's sake.

So, in writing this post, I am trying to take one step away from my pride.

And refuse to make this about me.

This is NOT my story.

MY life.

Ultimately, I don't believe MY decisions are what got us here.

Cause I'll tell ya right now.

I personally would not choose to feel so weak and vulnerable.

I personally don't like to need to ask other people for help so much.

I personally would not choose to adopt 2 children with broken pasts,

not now.

Let's at least wait till we have jobs.

And lets not choose one of the hardest countries in the world to adopt from,

do ya mind?

Great.

And the thing is He does mind.

This is HIS way to use our lives.

So I am going to try to stop apologizing for my need and brag on it because it's a work of God. As embarrassing as I feel my weaknesses to be,

what I really have to be embarrassed about is not

shouting about what GOD has done, because I think it makes me look bad.

Pride.

It's ugly.

It seems that from what I can tell we need 2 things to happen and quickly.

PLEASE pray with us for this miracle.

(Ironically, I had been using this Everest analogy already in my writing of this post, but pre-editing, I ended up watching a documentary called "Blindsight," about a team of blind Tibetan teenagers who were taken on a trip to climb a summit of Mt.Everest with their blind guides.Woah!

It was beautiful to see them truly attempt the impossible and risk great loss,

to prove that they were not JUST blind kids, but valuable,brave, young men and women.)

If they can do this in their own strength,

can we not try some impossible things in our lifetime,

as humbling as they may be,

as draining and risky as they may seem?

For the fame of God's great name?

Please pray with us.

Please consider climbing with us.

Our Mountains are these.

1.We need to finish raising our missionary support of a significant amount. And the sooner the better:) We'd love to see 100 people join us by giving $40 a month.

If you would like to be a part of the team of people who support us financially, you may email me at joynerfamily@ymail.com,or post on the blog. If you are interested in a one time gift or long term support, we want to know who you are and get you on a contact list for keeping you updated on what is going on.You can also go directly to our church's website to give online immediately and get started with your monthly support today.

Just be sure to put "HaitiLove missionary support" in the drop down box:)

2. We need to raise the first $1,500 to finish our homestudy. The money we had previously raised for the homestudy had to be used to begin building a case for us in Ha*ti,proving our children's situation is a desperate one (homestudies there in Ha*ti,psychological evaluations,medical eval's,etc) and worth waiving the traditional requirements for us.

I am brainstorming some ways to raise funds and will keep you all updated on any ideas I have. Please feel free to share yours with me,too:)

Part of my being found in my weakest is that my very weakest trait, hands down,

is that I am a TERRIBLE problem solver.

TERRIBLE.

It started in elementary school with car #1 having to get from point A to point B without hitting point C and has continued through life.

Ask anyone who knows me really well.

I'm no dummy.

But don't ask me to solve a SINGLE practical problem EVER.

It would be to your great demise.

The gears in my brain work for many things but problem solving isn't one of them.

And so this week, I have spent every day frustrated,sad, angry at this looming problem I have set before you.

And I have toiled and stayed awake at night, and worried and plotted...

and I've been CRAZY...

and still...

I got nothin.'

Except Mt.Everest,

and me,

a weakling.

So I'm thinking this is going to have to be God's thing.

But I know he likes to work through his people.

So I'd start by putting it before you to pray about and see what God does.

A year ago...

2011-09-01T20:51:00.004-04:00

With our new school year starting on Monday,

and Fall getting revved up,

I can't help but recall,

what things looked like a year ago...

and how quickly they grow...

Into young men.

So here's to another year of growth,

by God's grace.

And to looking a little more like

what He made us for.

2011-08-14T17:44:00.004-04:00

***This is a journal entry I wrote out the night I went back over the border from Haiti to the DR. Noah stayed back in Haiti so I was traveling by myself...

It's a good place to start,on the thoughts of my trip****

Sorry it has taken so long, but, well, I am exhausted. And life with the little ones and no daddy didn't slow down upon my arrival.

*******

August 11,2011

I'm sitting here in a beautiful hotel room by myself

and all I seem to notice is the too lush room with a too large bed and the cold breeze of air condition biting me.

And all I want to really do is cry.

Because at the end of the journey, I am here...

and only one page over in my journal (the last time I could find a moment to write)

I was writing of...

Sitting on a hot verandah where the breeze blows by just enough to keep you from crazy.

Anxiety and fear fill my heart.

I have brought a orphaned Haitian boy, whom I care for like a son, to a clinic in this mission to have an operation on his eyes, in hopes that he will see anew.

Only he won't get the kind of operation my youngest son received just a week prior.

No.

This boy's best was a long dusty road-13 hours to be exact-with no bathrooms and relentless potholes,rain,dust and unbearable discomfort and fear.

This was the road he traveled

to get to a small,stuffy room in a Haitian mission,

where all give their best,

but,still, the A/C goes in and out along with the power.

And I hold him while he waits in a room crammed with the elderly,

grandparents with dark, leathery skin, and stoic silence.

And then he bravely marches back,

a boy with no real home, who cannot see.

He marches back with people he's never met or seen,

to face the unknown with only the hope of sight to drive him forward.

He awakes in the arms of strangers, who hand him off to me,

thrashing wildly in fear and insanity from this thing called anesthesia.

He cannot be rationalized with.

This must make no sense at all in his world, now demented by drugs and new experience.

So he yells that I am not his mother anymore!!!

"You lied to me! You said I could see and I can't see!!!"

And he's wild with fear.

And I'm wild with fear and heartbreak.

And I know he's braver than I.

But I hold my fear inside and hold tight to him, who needs me strong now.

"Why are you holding me so tight?! I feel like I'm in jail. Let me go!!!"

"Stop hurting me!!! It hurts!!!"

It hurts.

All I can do is hold him.

A tight hold.

A grasping hold.

And I wonder if we're like this with God sometimes.

Not understanding parts of the process, raging at him that it doesn't makes sense

and "why don't you just let me go?!"

"Stop holding me so tight in this prison of love."

And so I hold him fierce and and try not to cry

until he simply ceases to fight and slumps heavy into my body

and all I can feel is the deep, heavy breathing.

The breathing of peaceful sleep that I had prayed would come soon for him.

They bring a stretcher in and we slowly slump down into a sleeping position,

a boy and a woman who loves him,

together,

one tired piece of human,

bonded together by fear and trust.

And only then do I let a few tears stream silently down.

Slowly he begins to drink, then eat.

And that night we sleep in a tent, on a rooftop, with little breeze,

and sweat beading up on his forehead in the hot Haitian night.

He sleeps in his underwear, with socks on his hands to protect his eyes from wild, irritated hands that want to explore agitated eyes.

His eyes are covered with plastic lenses, taped to his face, blood and sweat rimming the tape edges.

He wrestles through the night, crying out to touch his eyes, to rip the goggles from his hot face,

trying to ease the discomfort.

in our family tent.

On a rooftop.

Shared with many mosquitos.

I am so grateful for this opportunity for him.

truly.

I am so grateful for doctors who know what the "best" looks like but don't cease to practice under less than best conditions.

I praise God for doctors who weep over my child, though they have met him for only the first time.

Who pray prayers of hope over a boy who has had very few people hope for him.

Who know, like I do, that it's boys like him, who have struggled for everything that God uses to to radical things.

I thank them for being true heros

but also for seeing the hero in this young boy.

And being willing to do brave surgeries in a brave place for brave patients.

But with that said...

as a mom...

I also grieved,

crazy as it may sound.

Because I had hoped that he'd be covered in a Diego blanket,

snuggled under covers in my bed.

He'd be watching cartoons in the air conditioning, with an endless supply of chewable bubble- gum flavored tylenol,

a ceaseless flow of clean water and soap to protect him from infection.

But no.

Not at all.

And after it all.

Today, I left him, slumped and crying in a room alone,

back at the orphanage,

because I was leaving him again.

How can I leave this boy when I've brought so much into his life?

I have brought hope.

And I have brought love.

But with these things also comes loss

and pain.

And I feel that I have ushered these things into his life,also.

But I had to leave him.

And I hate that.

while I went back to the boys he calls brothers.

Without him.

Honestly, it just seems wrong.

How can two people laugh and cry and fear and hope for so much together-

and then just part ways to face the unknown,

seperate?

And he a child.

My prayer is this.

That God will use this pain, all of it, to shape him into the most remarkable man,

who will change his world for God's glory.

I told him once and I mean it.

"Great men are men who can do hard things and do them well."

He will have much practice by manhood.

Whatever role I play in his life,

I can only hope that ultimately it brings much more pleasure than pain.

More hope than hurt.

And that he will not be disappointed.

And I don't believe he will,

be disappointed,

because his God will show up in his life,

in His way.

Not mine.

And it will be perfect.

2011-08-04T12:41:00.004-04:00

photo by Heba Salama

Again, so much to say...

Shepherd is feeling much better.

After the adenoidectomy and the subsequent allergic reaction to pain meds that sent us back to the hospital via ambulance...

we got home and he's doing good.

Other than a bronchitis they noticed during the bronch and are now treating, he's doing fabulous.

Then there's Haiti.

I wondered if I could go.

It seemed impossible ,

and so many factors had to play into making it possible.

I didn't know if I "should" go.

I only felt strong compassion for these children and the strong love for them leading me to LONG to be with them, and especially with Mayson for his eye surgery.

It was so hard to say that I should go when it seemed so impossible TO go.

But we took one step at a time towards the door seeing if it would open.

And it did.

In a lot of little ways.

Some bigger ways.

And one MAJOR way.

On Sunday afternoon, we got a phone call from a couple telling us that they would like to pay the cost of both Noah and I's trip to Haiti.

This couple isn't an intimate part of our lives, or at least wasn't at the time.

Now, of course, they have played a precious part in our lives and the lives of our children.

They merely heard of our need and chose to be remarkably generous.

I cried my way through lunch at the Mexican restaurant, munching on chips and salsa, in the corner, wiping tears.

This one HUGE wall, in our way...

One of the reasons I thought I shouldn't even entertain the idea of going....

The cost of the trip....

Taken care of...like that.

In one moment, God made the wall come crashing down.

And I would never have seen His provision to me through the generosity of God's people had I just rationally told myself, going wasn't an option.

We are simply blown away at the generous givers God surrounds us with.

To see God's loving hand reach out to you and feed you through the hands of his people is one of the most beautiful things we've experienced in our needy lives together.

It's such a tangible, clear picture that God is WITH US.

I can only pray that this generosity shown to us will change us.

That it will make us generous people.

That we will give wildly.

To be evidence of God's presence.

I can only pray that the people in Haiti will feel the same way we do,

when they are shown generosity through Gods people.

And so we go...

Saturday morning, August 6th, early in the morning.

"M" has surgery scheduled some time on Monday or Tuesday at this amazing place I can't wait to visit.

And these amazing folks will do this for him, God willing.

Will you please pray for this process with us?

We will also take our daughter with us to be seen. She has no obvious vision trouble but it is genetic so we want her seen.

We will hopefully get some sweet time with both of them as a family, and for this I am very hopeful.

Please also pray for good opportunities to speak with government officials about the adoption during Noah's month long trip.

Also, please pray for the current storm ripping its way through Haiti.

Pray for the children's safety at the orphanage, along with all of Haiti's people vulnerable to the storm's affects.

Please pray that this does not affect our travel plans in any way.

It appears to be heading into Florida right as we are trying to head out of Florida.

Great.

God knows and plans and loves and can be trusted.

I hope to keep everyone up to date on how things are going once we get there, but it's Haiti.

So....we'll see.

Exodus 4

¹⁰But Moses said to the LORD, "Oh, my Lord, I am not eloquent, either in the past or since you have spoken to your servant, but I am slow of speech and of tongue." ¹¹Then the LORD said to him, "Who has made man’s mouth? Who makes him mute, or deaf, or seeing, or blind? Is it not I, the LORD? ¹²Now therefore go, and I will be with your mouth and teach you what you shall speak."

Lord, please, go with us.

Speak for us.

We've got nothing.

But you are everything.

And made everything...

including this beautiful, blind boy

this orphaned little girl

and these inconsequential, ignorant parents.

We are yours, for your glory.

Help us to trust you.

Psalm 146

¹Praise the LORD!Praise the LORD, O my soul! ²I will praise the LORD as long as I live;
I will sing praises to my God while I have my being.

³ Put not your trust in princes,
in a son of man, in whom there is^(F) no salvation.
⁴When his breath departs, he returns to the earth;
on that very day his plans perish.

⁵Blessed is he whose help is the God of Jacob,
whose hope is in the LORD his God,
⁶ who made heaven and earth,
the sea, and all that is in them,
who keeps faith forever;
⁷ who executes justice for the oppressed,
who gives food to the hungry.

The LORD sets the prisoners free;

the LORD opens the eyes of the blind.
The LORD lifts up those who are bowed down;
the LORD loves the righteous.
⁹ The LORD watches over the sojourners;
he upholds the widow and the fatherless,
but the way of the wicked he brings to ruin.

¹⁰ The LORD will reign forever,
your God, O Zion, to all generations.
Praise the LORD!

*italics mine

photo by Nicole Brocato

I will sing praises to my God while I have my being, no matter what happens that I don't understand.

I'll put my trust where it belongs, not in governments or rulers but in the ruler of all.

I know that my plans along with all other men's plans are just that...plans.

God is the only one who always does exactly what he intends because only He has the power to accomplish his plans EVERY time.

When I die, my plans die with me.

Not God's, they go on and on...

I am blessed because THIS God is my help when I need it, and I always do.

May I live a bowed down life, knowing who I really am and who you are...really.

You watch over and protect these children along with all other's without one to call Father, protector.

You have shown that to these children.

You have loved them enough to send others to advocate for them and make their needy voices heard.

Heal "M"'s eyes that he may really see for the first time.

All the more, open his soul, that he may see you for who you are through this physical healing.

Give sight to the blind all over Haiti, that they may know you and call you God.

You are God forever.

You Reign on your throne.

And we are your people.

Whom have I to fear?

When you are King.

Currently.

Amen.

photo by Nicole Brocato

2011-08-01T13:19:00.002-04:00

Just heard back.

Still too many small things going against him.

No decanulation.

But we're close.

They will look in 3 - 6 months.

And then the question is more one of timing (they don't decanulate in winter)

The latest would be next spring.

Major problem was that his adenoids are ginormous.

They don't want to do everything else and than have that stop him from breathing well.

Soooo,

they are taking his adenoids out right now.

Then hopefully we go home.

Maybe we stay the night.

Either way,

I just wanna hold my unbelievably handsome son.

They're still working.

I'll let you know more when we know it.

2011-08-01T11:49:00.002-04:00

Sitting in the waiting room at UNC.

We go back at 12:30.

Shep hasn't had anything to eat since yesterday evening and nothing to drink for about 12 hours.

He is tired and hungry, but no one else would ever know it...

unless being adorable is a symptom.

Being on the 2nd floor of this children's hospital always has strong feelings for me.

But some times it is stronger than others.

I think the fact that he hasn't been here for any procedures in over a year may be part of why it has kind of surprised me...

but I feel nervous.

And I hate the way this place smells.

And sounds.

And that adorable,chiming, giant pinball machine in the cafeteria...

holds so many memories of a different time and place.

Hate that thing.

And reminded of how much I don't want to ever go back "there."

***********************

They just took him back to the OR.

He was crying and signing "mimi"

but doing well.

The ENT surgeon thinks there is a good chance they will try to get rid of the scar tissue with a laser today.

We'll see what happens.

He's done good with anesthesia with all of the previous surgeries,

but it always makes me nervous.

Praying.

I'll let you know when we know something.

Whew!

2011-07-29T13:13:00.004-04:00

photo by Nicole Bricato

Well,

there is much to say...

And I am going to try to be concise.

No promises.

Noah came home a couple of weeks ago from his most recent trip to Haiti and we all breathed a sigh of relief that he'd be home for a while this time around.

The next HaitiLove trip isn't till late October so we figured we'd spend some time "resting" and getting family time in, along with doing some "getting our buts in gear" as far as home life goes.

Don't you ever feel as though, as a family, you only have time to identify a problem and get frustrated by it on a daily basis, but rarely the time to come up with a solution?

Enter:Amazing sisters,momma, and a great leader of a husband.

Amazing sister's job?

Take care of our boys for 2 days and one night, loving on them well enough that they will cry when I pick them up in hopes that I will simply leave them there forever.

Done.

Amazing husbands job?

Make sure we have 2 full days of no cell phone and no leisure internet and pure focus.

And so we set out on our staycation focused on getting focused.

We stayed at my mom and dads beautiful home while they were out of town and went to cool coffee shops,etc.

We spent day 1 identifying things that don't "work" well in our lives and how we could fix them together as a team.

Then day 2 was devoted to implementing ways to accomplish our ideals.

We wrote our family's mission statement,came up with a schedule for everyone that will help us actually DO what we hope to DO with our lives.

Bought Auggie an underground fence.

You know stuff like that, so I can stop chasing my dog through the neighborhood when I simply let her out to go pee.

I do NOT have time for that.

Or patience.

It's the simple things.

But we took the time to DO something about it so that we can be more freed up to do what we believe God really wants us to DO.

SO that was that.

And it was AMAZING.

But even as we tried to rest and relax post Haiti.

Haiti has come a callin'.

photo of Noah with his girl by Meagan Meekin

As some of you may know, we have been trying for over a year to pursue the adoption of a brother and sister who live in the orphanage in which we work.

The boy, M, is blind with congenital cataracts and we have been attempting to get them both here on medical visas, but have continued to hit closed doors.

We also recently hit a closed door with the adoption.

The lawyer we are working with in Haiti has become concerned that Noah's age is going to be a problem.

You are supposed to be 35 and he is only 32 1/2.

That's a 2 1/2 year difference folks.

tear.

We feel hopeful that God will make a way around this but until he makes that "way" clear, we are on pause as far as the adoption goes.

We have plenty of money to continue to raise during this waiting season.

We will continue to work on that and continue to love these precious children in ANY way we can.

They have not been left as orphans, just like Jesus has not left us as orphans.

They have a father and mother to advocate for them and care for them, even when we are limited in our ways to do that.

And we are willing to do this for as many years as it takes.

Yikes.

This week, we were given a major opportunity to do just that.

A dear friend found a team of US surgeons going to the Northwestern part of Haiti to do cataract surgery.

They want to perform surgery for "M" in hopes that he will recover some of his sight!

This is a relatively simple procedure, though made riskier by being done in Haiti.

His post op will be a week of keeping everything really clean (not conducive to Haiti) and staying calm, along with a months worth of eye drops 4x a day.

At first, it was clear for a number of reason, which I will share in a moment, that I could not accompany "M" for his surgery.

This broke my heart.

As a mom who has already walked through multiple medical procedures with her son and having a great heart for children facing this type of life, I was devastated to realize what this really meant.

I tried to be realistic.

But when I would think of not being there with him as he walked this road. When I would think of not being there when he gets to see more than he ever has his entire life...

more tears.

Lord, am I being dramatic?

Or high maintenance?

Should I just accept this as your plan?

I went running.

And prayed.

(For some reason running and praying go hand in hand for me.When I really need to hear from God, this is the best way to go about it.)

So I ran.

And tried to problem solve.

Which for me is, no joke, an impossibility.

I just kept hitting walls in my mind.

And there are many walls.

But as I ran and prayed, all I could think is that no matter when or if they ever come home, their heavenly father loves them SO intensely.

I wasn't getting any major revelations here about "the plan."

Just the constant, intense compassion.

We had spoken with them earlier in the day on skype and, as we often do, when they ask for the impossible (like when are we taking them home with us, or when are we bringing Aslan to Haiti)

we asked them to pray.

We told them that God must do these things.

And we must wait.

And as I ran, I begged God to be faithful to them.

To make his nearness to them evident and not let them be put to shame in their asking big things form Him.

And I cried some more.

The next day, on our staycation date, I shared this with Noah, my realist.

And my problem solver.

I love this man.

Not only because I literally couldn't solve the problem of how to walk and chew gum at the same time without his methodical mind.

With me being a dreamer, the details boggle me,

literally.

And he totally gets the details.

Thankfully.

And the reason I love him is that he helped me think through what the real problems were, keeping me from "M"s bedside in Haiti.

And there were plenty.

And I teared up, telling him how I would feel to miss out on this big moment in this very special boys life.

How it would grieve me to see a video and not be there,touching him, hugging him,holding him.

And then he said,

"Well, if that's how you feel, and you know what you should do...then get to doing it."

In a firm,decisive, non emotional way.

All the ways I don't know how to do.

well, um, ok...

but what about how much money it would cost for you and I to go...

what about the timing....

what about...

all the problems I don't know how to solve?

photo of "M" by Meagan Meekin

You see there was also the MAJOR problem of our sweet Shepherd.

No, he's not a problem.

Get this.

We've been trying to help "M" for about a year.

And when help comes, it came for Aug 8th,2012.

In Haiti.

Meanwhile on Aug 8,2012.

In Chapel Hill,NC.

Another Joyner boy is scheduled for his first bronchoscopy in over a year.

This is the procedure where they sedate Shep and examine his airway and decide wether or not they should try to take his trach out.

Remember last year?

Problematic,right?

The gears in my mind were seriously jammed.

So here's where we are.

UNC was willing to squeeze Shep in for a week earlier, which is THIS monday, August 1st.

And some other details were able to come together to make this possible.

SO, I will wait until Monday afternoon to see wether or not I go to Haiti to be with "M."

If Shep gets his trach out...

well, wow. That would be something else entirely.

And I would not go to Haiti.

But Noah will.

He buys his ticket today.

A one way ticket.

We aren't sure how it will all go down, but we want to love this precious boy in Haiti well.

The only way we feel we can be sure that he is getting the post op care he needs is to be the ones to give it to him.

Remember the month of eye drops?

Well, at this point, it's possible that Noah will be staying in Haiti for a month to administer eye drops.

Alongside that, he can do lots of work for HaitiLove and maybe even make some adoption connections.

If Shep does not get his trach out, then I will immediately purchase a ticket Monday afternoon and fly out Aug 6th with Noah.

I will only stay a week,though.

We're only 1/2 crazy, folks.

And then I'll head home to my other babies,

without hubby.

I know I feel it,too.

Yikes!

On Soooo many levels.

Wow.

I hardly know if this makes any sense to you all.

It hardly makes sense to me.

It's a lot.

Please pray with us.PLEASE.

1.For "M"'s surgery. That it will go smoothly and his sight will be restored in ways no one could hope.

2. For the trip to Haiti. That Noah will get much done for HaitiLove and that God will enfold him in grace and provision for this time.

3. That God would use this trip to give us favor with the government and build advantageous relationships for the adoption and the future.

4. For Shep's bronch. That God would protect him during the procedure and do His perfect will in this remarkable boy's life.

5. Finances. God has provided money for our adoption and I will use some of it for going to be with "M." But both Noah and I going is a huge expense and I hope to not use it all for this trip. But if I do have to use a lot of it, pray that I will trust God to continue to provide as he has in the past as needed to move forward in the adoption.

Also, if anyone happens to have airline miles they've acquired in their travels that they would like to donate for this trip, that would be a huge blessing.

6. Everything I am forgetting or is too much to say!!!!

Our boys.

My mom, as she watches them, IF I go.

blah,bah,blah

Let the Holy Spirit lead you.

Seriously.

There's so much.

I'm scares.

Excited.

nervous.

This is all so God sized.

May I trust you, Father.

Regardless of the outcome.

Psalm 112:6-8

English Standard Version (ESV)

⁶For the righteous will never be moved;
he will be remembered forever.
⁷He is not afraid of bad news;
his heart is firm,trusting in the LORD.
⁸His heart is steady; he will not be afraid,
until he looks in triumph on his adversaries.

whew.

This is bigger than me and I need God to do his thing and get me out of the way.

Because he doesn't make mistakes.

Thank you guys for always praying my family through the impossible.

I'll let you know how Monday goes, but regardless Noah bought a one way ticket to Haiti today, so,

please pray.

And sorry, I lied.

About being concise.

I did try.

Guess what?

2011-07-20T00:24:00.002-04:00

Well, friends, I am SO excited to share with you our most recent (as if we do them often) family photos, taken by the amazing Heba Salama.

Heba is Noah's cousin's wife.

Yeah, that sounds distant.

It's not as much as it sounds.

At a recent family get together(as if we do them often)

while I chowed on her husband, Ed's , amazing fried chicken (don't tell Jillian Michaels he makes this amazing fried chicken. They were finalists on "The Biggest Loser" a few seasons ago and have done amazing with their health;)

And just to be clear, I don't think they ate it.

But BOY DID I.

I could do another post entirely just about the fried chicken!

But I won't.

Yet wasn't it kind of them not to bring carrot sticks to the family get together?!

They really went all out to bless us with that fried chicken...

I'm doing it again.

Moving on from the fried chicken.

In between mouthfuls of the "you know what" we started talking about our families need for an updated family photo to use as we embark on raising our support to do work in Haiti.

Heba generously offered to bless us with a family photo shoot.

And I responded similarly to this offer as I did to the remarkable chicken.

I gobbled it up!

We had a blast getting to spend time with Ed and Heba because even though we're family and we only live an hour away from each other, it can seem like an ocean with our busy lives.

But that is all about MY good news.

Now for YOUR good news(and a little bit of mine still).

Heba Salama Photography wants to offer to help us raise money for our adoption, too!!!!!

For anyone who is referred by us to Heba, she is offering this SWEET deal...

She will do your photos for the regular session price of $150, BUT

she'll give $50 of that back to our adoption!!

On top of that you will get a $50 print credit to use to purchase prints from the shoot, along with a free 8x10!

And as you can see,

she is going to give you photos to remember.

So if you think it's time to get some photos taken AND

you'd like to help us adopt,

head on over to Heba's site

and email her, mentioning our family.

She's wonderful to work with and I know you'll love everything about your time with her.

And Heba, again,

THANK YOUUUUUU!!!!!

Especially for taking a picture of me leap frogging over my husband's head.

I feel this really captures our marriage.

Know what I mean?

Yeah, me neither.

But I LOVE this picture.

And you.

Thanks!

Wrapping it up

2011-07-02T19:31:00.015-04:00

As July comes around, we will be spending the rest of this month wrapping up the first-ever-Joyner-homeschool-year.

Aslan's Kindergarten year, that is.

That will give us a month's break in August and then in September, we will start back up with Aslan's 1st grade year and Haddon will begin Kindergarten.

With that said, I wanted to spend a little time reflecting on what school has looked like this year.

and side note: No one takes pictures of the hours spent battling a single math page and a lazy heart...on both sides.

No one takes pictures of the many days we didn't do any school.

Because A) There would be too many to take pictures of and

B)who wants to see that on film?!

So here are some of our better moments of the school year...

As I shared HERE , we began our year with a trip to the beach. We did some tours in the city, and some visits to the beach, museums, and aquariums, but most importantly, we just tried to make a big deal out of school starting.

So the year of "homeschooling" began.

I say it like that because I have to be honest, We're not a fan of the term.

"Homeschool" seems to imply that the goal is to keep my children at home.

Though I like having my kids at home...most of the time.

It's not.

In fact if I were honest, I think about the magic I felt when I began school.

Oh, yes, the public kind.

And I wish my kids could experience that.

You know the excitement over shopping for your new clothes for school. Getting to go all the way to the metropolis of Anchorage, Alaska to shop, instead of the Cottonwood Creek Mall in hopes that every other girl wouldn't have the exact same outfit.

Ok, so if you didn't grow up in Alaska, or you weren't in love with fashion from a young age, this is all becoming very confusing.

But there's also that sense of wonder and strength gained from new, independent experiences.

New friends, new relationships, and hopefully much learning.

I truly hope to reproduce many of these things in our learning as a family,

and I look forward to having more quality experiences and relationships inside and outside of our home, because of our education choices.

But our main priority doesn't revolve around keeping our children at home.

Instead, we chose this form of education at this time, for the sake of providing our children with more diverse learning experiences.

Our hope is that through whatever form of education we choose, which may change through different seasons and different children, our children's world will get bigger not smaller.

World getting bigger, God getting bigger.

That's the plan.

And so we started school in the Fall...

We didn't get far into our school year before I had the opportunity to take my first trip to Haiti.

And to be honest, from that point on, it seems our family was flung into spiraling tornado of movement revolving around the work God has asked us to do in Haiti.

This has been beautiful, but quite distracting from the focused first year of school I had hoped to have.

Upon returning from this trip, not only did we begin the adoption process of 2 Haitian children with special medical needs, but also began to work on the development of HaitiLove.

It has been a whirlwind of activity around here for oh, say about 9 months. You know a school year or so.

But when life wasn't totally consumed with these things, and even often when it was, we learned together...

Studting rocks,

that are candy,

known as "rock candy"

Studying rocks,

by collecting them,

in the yard, not a beautiful nature walk,

cause that was too much work.

Even if this does mean that some of the "rocks" may have been part of an old foundation of a shed in the yard of our 1940's built house.

We did school outside on a blanket

Inside on a rug

We made wind socks with cousins

We read lots of great books

like,

"The Apple and the arrow"

in which the story climaxes at a scene where a father is asked by a cruel ruler to prove his marksmanship by shooting an apple off of his young sons head with his cross bow.

Seeing as we happen to have one of these actual weapons just chillin in our children's closet...

for what purpose I am a little unsure about,

thought I think we got it at an auction for cheap.

Laugh.

But when we're livin' off the grid and need to kill our dinner, and there aren't any bullets or guns to be found...

we still won't know how to use it.

But we will look dangerous.

Anyway.

The only rational thing to do was to let the kids re enact the scene.

And even thought the bow was loaded, Aslan was very brave.

Just like the boy in the book.

He fully trusted his 3 year old brother's abilities as a marksman.

Ok, not quite.

But it was fun.

And when was the last time your kid came home to tell you that he almost got shot with a crossbow at school?

Who says "homeschool" is boring?!

And even though I like the outdoors in theory a bit more than in reality,

we did go on a few nature walks.

Cause what kind of mother who homeschools doesn't take her kids on nature walks?!

Almost this mom.

Except there were those couple I did take them on.

And took pictures of.

So I can pass for an actual homeschooler.

We explored barnacles, or fungus, or whatever those things are called.

Ok, so we focused more on the observation elements of learning that the informational.

You know, touch it,feel it, observe it, tell me what you see...

I even had the boys bring bags to collect "naturey" objects in.

This way we could collect leaves and make prints with them

or get pine cones to make bird feeders,

or let them sit in my car for a month before trashing them.

The only problem was...

it turns out any nature loving homeschool mom should know that

1. Plastic bags are not allowed on the trails. I guess bad things happen when nature and plastic interact. I guess I should have brought the reusable grocery bags that I never use for groceries. Cause I love plastic bags and if I don't get them at the grocery store, what am I supposed to use for my trash cans?

What, buy small trash bags?!

no.

The only other problem was that

2. Even if I had looked like an earth-conscious mom by bringing my green- colored- bag -with leaf- prints- making -a -heart- design -around- the- earth- on it,

I still would have failed, because,

turns out...

The park would rather you didn't take any of earth's possessions from it's premises. Stealing from Mother earth is frowned upon at our local nature parks...

turns out.

So we just tried to be subtle about it

Cause we love our beautiful state

and it's generous parks and recreation department

That's why we studied this map of our states different regions...

And took pictures of striking butterflies.

But before we left the park, we thought we'd head inside to the educational displays inside.

Because I am technically a teacher folks, puhlease.

Of more than just the many uses of the plastic bag.

Turns out the display was right up my alley.

There was even a life sized man, made up solely of man made products that hurt our environment.

There were a lot of plastic bags making up his members.

I just tried to stuff our plastic bags further into my North Face back pack, and find comfort in the fact I was wearing Chaco sandals and I grew up in Alaska.

Perhaps they would notice these things first.

But upon further observation, it became clear that even my worn chacos weren't gonna help me.

I was one of the worst kind of Earth-haters.

This dispaly below shows a description posted at one of our local nature parks.

It describes a BIG problem we people and our earth have.

And it's not just plastic bottles, recycling, and turning off lights.

Oh no, it's worse that that.

Much worse.

Read on.

UNCONTROLLED POPULATION GROWTH!

PEOPLE HAVING BABIES WITHOUT THE SLIGHTEST THOUGHT OF HOW THIS AFFECTS POOR MOTHER EARTH. NO ONE EVER ASKED HER WHAT SHE THOUGHT BEFORE GETTIN KNOCKED UP!! NO MAM!!

THE NERVE!

YOU UNGRATEFUL CARNIVORES!

And in case you're wondering if you are part of the problem or the solution, you can take a test.

Just press a button next to the items listed below to see how "sustainable" your life is.

Are you part of the popultation living recklessly with no thought to future generations? Essentially killing off your future grandkids?

Let's find out.

hmmmm. Let's see,

I carpool whenever I can, thumbs up.

I like meat, I'm guessing not so good.

Don't work in an office building!!

Cause I'm a stay at.. home.....mom.....uh-oh

Have four children.

pause.

Well, I only have three, so maybe that icy stare coming from behind the desk isn't for me?

Unless.

Unless somehow she knows!

Maybe there is something about me that screams, "I want more children!!!" or perhaps someone told her that we were tryin to adopt two more children and that we drive a Suburban!!!!

I'm freaking out.

Just calm down, Stephanie.

Maybe it's not that big of a deal.

I mean you're just here to have a little FAMILY fun at the park.

They make their living off of families.

Surely....

I hit the button...

LESS SUSTAINABLE!!!

wahhhhhh!!! My life doesn't sustain the earth!!!

We gotta get out of here kids before they catch us and start passing out condoms!!!!

Let's go!!!!

So yeah, we studied lot's of stuff.

Nature, sociology, the environment.

We so got this thing.

And boy isn't the less sustainable life a blessed one.

We also studied local marine life.

And went to Fort Macon, an old military fort on the coast of NC.

While there, we explored tunnels

And dungeons

and long stairways going down into cold, wet, spider infested holes.

And we almost always bring baby Shep-Shep along on our educational adventures.

But of course we always take into account his fragile medical state, having a trach and all.

It's of the utmost importance that he not be put into compromising situations.

But what can I say? This is just the kind of parents we are.

Safety is of the utmost importance.

Utmost.

I mean were homeschoolers,folks.

Yeah, those are knives.

At the museum.

And on that note.

For those of you who say that homeschoolers are too sheltered.

Try explaining the name of this fish at the aquarium.

I did not make this up.

But whoever did.

Has a lot of explaining to do.

Really?!?!

No one sitting around the Aquarium society of whatever that names fishes saw a problem with this?

I can only be grateful that I wasn't taking 35 junior higher's on this field trip.

Yup, when you're homeschooling,

you encounter all kinds of indecency.

The view from here

2011-05-11T13:38:00.009-04:00

With Noah traveling to Haiti about once a month, and after I joined him on the last trip, it was time for a much needed family vacation.

Vacations are our FAVORITE thing.

If you would have had the privilege of joining us on our first-lil'-family-vacation-of-the Summer/Spring a few weeks ago,

You could have enjoyed the view from where I was.

And you'd have liked it.

At just about the time we should have been tucking kids into bed,

we were tucking them into car seats to drive to the beach!

Don't you parents think driving at night while everyone sleeps is da bomb?

That felt good.

Haven't said that since Junior High.

You would have seen beautiful, remarkable children, running and playing....

Acting the way I feel on the inside about vacation.

You would have seen a boy's first vacation, with their first dog, Auggie.

That's short for Augustine.

We can't help but be fancy.

That's just us.

You even might have seen,

the littlest boy

taking his dog

Or perhaps it was his dog, taking him...

down the beach.

Hmmmphh.

It must be true, moms.

No one takes you seriously when you can't yell at 'em.

Noah was having a terrible time!

Seriously, every picture we have of him at the beach, he is making this face.

Ok.

So maybe it was just crazy bright out there and he's grimacing from the glaring sun in his eyes.

But we can pretend...

that he isn't my absolute favorite person to be "stuck" on an island with.

He's a remarkable father.

P.s. Please don't show the above photo to anyone who knows anything about trachs.

For instance, a certain pulmanologist or ENT surgeon might hate to see a picture of the trach kid dangling out over the ocean...just maybe.

One of our first conversations with Dr.D, Sheph's ENT surgeon, was about what life would look like for him after getting a tracheostomy.

Noah asked, "So, I mean, is he gonna be like "bubble boy?"

Dr D: "No! He's not gonna be "bubble Boy" But he's not gonna be "boy- by- the- pool either."

WHAT?!?!

It's not a pool!

Speaking of bubbles.

My youngest one lacks a bubble.

Bubble but, that is.

In a major way.

The poor child.

His bottom is just an extension of his skinny little back.

It's almost sadder than having to breath out your neck.

Don't believe me?!

Fine.

Look at things from my viewpoint.

Sheperd cute. Shepherd playing.

It's beginning to happen.

Gravity kicks in, gives it a little help...

and BADOW!!

Poor kid.

He did NOT get it from either of us.

This is certain.

Just pointing out the obvious.

But he's not too upset about it. His other cheeks are adorable.

And we think imperfections are perfect around here.

So we'll just keep enjoying whatever God gives us.

I hope you all get lot's of quality family time this Summer!!!!

Easter Weekend

2011-05-05T12:54:00.010-04:00

Easter happens to be all about...

Easter bunnies and Cadbury eggs.

Wait, that's not right.

Sorry,

Easter happens to be all about...

Resurrection.

The kind of resurrection that makes broken things new and brings hope where there was hopelessness.

The kind where death purchased life.

And honestly, it's because of this grace poured out that we can make beautiful memories, full of beautiful moments here in this foreign land.

Grace filled memories like these..

while eating Cadbury eggs.

It began...

With cousins caring...

And uncles...

And aunts...

On your team

And then,

amazing, Mimi food

(this pic makes it look like Noah made the food.hehe.)

He didn't.

He did eat it,though.

How could he not?

And then they waited...

For this...

Just in case your wondering.

Mimi did this with 9 grandkids, by herself.

And yes that is Vinegar and egg dye.

And yes, we can't decide wether or not we should Praise God for super grandma...

or call the looney bin.

We asked the natives and they're response was unanimous...

In response, I got the official "Shepherd's- cheesy- camera- smile."

So we'll keep 'er.

Gladly.

And it's not because she has her very own "LegoLand" in her upstairs room.

After a good nights sleep,

we all met at church on Sunday morning.

I have the honor of worshipping with my ENTIRE family every Sunday..both sides. ALL cousins, ALL aunts and unlces, ALL grandparents. Each side would take up an entire row.

It's pretty much miraculous.

And being that this was the first Sunday that my sister and her family have been home since unexpectedly returning home from Asia...

It was especially special.

Now I know what you're wondering.

How does this beautiful, young mom have 6 beautiful young children so close together.

That young lady who looks like my sister is indeed my mother and the reason why Noah married me.

With genes that good, how can you go wrong?

Yep, that is Mimi with 6/9 of her grandkids.

Yeah, she likes em'

As for us, we enjoyed a slow morning before meeting everyone,

enjoying porch swings and Spring sun.

And then we worshiped God for making a way...

To live. Really live.

Then off to more festivities at Mimi's

and rejoicing at having family back.

On your mark,

get set,

Go!!!!!

Now at this point, I feel the need to inquire.

Who else grew up or currently does hide REAL, dyed, hard boiled eggs for the egg hunt?

Just curious.

We like to be authentic like that.

Which reminds me of a couple downsides to this common Meekin family practice.

Example 1.

As a child, my dad got very creative in his hiding of the eggs. You see, I grew up in Alaska, so the egg hunt was not often done outside in the warm Spring air. No, it was limited to the Living room.

This meant much creativity was needed.

And much was used.

So much so that it was entirely possible, hypothetically speaking, that the hard boiled egg that dad hid in the lamp, where a light bulb should have been, would not actually be found....for weeks or maybe months.

Not until the stank led us to it.

Hypothetically speaking.

But no, no, we are a wiser generation.

We have realized that if you count them before hand, you can be sure they've all been found.

Example 2.

So we counted them this year. We hid them.

We found them. ALL.

problem solved.

Unless, hypothetically speaking, your sons put the hard boiled eggs inside the big plastic eggs in their easter baskets. And if by some odd chance, you don't empty out and throw away the baskets but instead chuck them in the boys bedroom, cause it's just plastic eggs anyway, you may be surprised a couple weeks later to find what that all too familiar stank is in their bedroom.

Ahhhhhh. Traditions.

I'm a sucker for them.

Hypothetically speaking.

Once the hunt was over and the eggs counted,cause we're smart like that...

Everyone examined their booty.

Not that booty.

The egg hunt booty!!!

You know like Pirate booty?!

Geez, folks.

Sorry.

I couldn't help myself.

Hope you had a great Easter!!!

The Joyners

I see Him

2011-05-02T13:43:00.005-04:00

"I know there is a poor and hideous suffering, and I've seen the hungry and the guns that go to war. I have lived pain, and my life can tell: I only deepen the wound of the world when I neglect to give thanks for early light dappled through leaves and the heavy perfume of wild roses in early July and the song of crickets on humid nights and the rivers that run and the stars that rise and the rain that falls and all the good things that a good God gives. Why would the world need more anger, more outrage? How does it save the world to reject unabashed joy when it is joy that saves us? Rejecting joy to stand in solidarity with the suffering doesn't rescue the suffering. The converse does. The brave who focus on all things good and all things beautiful and all things true, even in the small, who give thanks for it and discover joy even in the here and now, they are the change agents who bring fullest Light to all the world."

Ann Voskamp " One Thousand gifts"

So here's to giving thanks with mouth, and pen, and typing fingers.

To acknowledging grace in its many forms.

In the middle of pain,

and suffering,

and hunger,

and orphanhood...

To seeing God,

his fingerprints,

everywhere...

In tiny toes

painted Scarlet

by a hands painting love...

In street tires turned to little boy toys,

fighting boredom and the oppressive heat...

In little girl faces

and goofy smirks...

In refilled Coke bottles,

young boys helping provide for family

In best friends sharing life-giving bible truth,

in 2 languages,

sharing church and life

on a hot morning crammed like sardines ,

Thankfulness ringing out through open windows...

In little boy faces that make me think of my sons...

In small eyes that see details for the first time and the wonder of a world so new...

In sugar cane,

Because even in a starving country, little ones can have candy every now and then.

Big?

Small?

expected?

Unexpected?

It seems to be everywhere.

Don't miss it

Romans 1:21

^"21For although they knew God, they did not honor him as God or give thanks to him, but they became futile in their thinking, and their foolish hearts were darkened."

The little engine with a big God

2011-03-03T07:39:00.006-05:00

I haven't blogged to much lately. I know it's not like you've been biting your nails in anticipation or anything. But one of the reasons I have been at a distance is the intense busyness we've had around here. I've taken to watching a beautiful 7 month old bundle of joy a few days a week for a friend, along with homeschool, regular life,new puppy, starting up Haiti(love) stuff (starting a non profit is really just like starting a God- sized business. Yikes!) and adoption stuff.

Along with this Haiti(love) and adoption fever comes discouragement at times.

To put it plainly, all of this is God's stuff. It's HIS thing. We're on HIS plan, in HIS hands...simply obeying HIM.

But along the way of obedience, I find myself stopping and looking around, checking out the sites. And I realize that I feel a bit like a wimpy Israelite marching to war with the Philistines. As I stand there in the midst of all the noise and impossibilities, I'm faced with a couple of options.

1) I can see the "giant" and simply know that my" Dad is bigger than your Dad," and keep walking, in obedience, knowing my Dad also loves me infinitely and the path he leads me on is motivated by both power and love.

So I'm good.

2)As I fervently march on, I forget bit by bit that this is God's thing and it becomes little bit by little bit "my thing", so I become "the little engine that could." The little pathetic engine against the big mountain.

"I think I can."

please.

I can't.

HE CAN.

3)Stop marching. Turn around. Go home. To a place much easier, where you can hide away in simplicity and hope you never have to do anything really hard again, because quite frankly I'm a little sick of being so familiar with my inadequacies.

As you may guess, I do all of these here and there but #2 is a personal favorite.

Especially on the adoption front, I've grown quite discouraged recently.

How will we ever raise $20,000 on top of all of the other ways we are trying to get people involved in Haiti? And meanwhile, my babies are sick, blind, and without enough food to be healthy.

You can see how easy it is to focus on my inabilities and forget God's abilities.

Honestly, none of my arguments matter in light of the reality that my children are his children and His resources are endless though mine are so limited.

A mother's heart drives her to bang on doors and knock down obstacles to do ANYTHING to help her children.

But what about when you feel like you've been banging and knocking and you still have so far to go and so little perseverance?

Then you feel like a bad mom.

And you just wish God would do this thing and get you out of this vulnerable, pressing situation.

If you guys wouldn't mind praying for this weary cheerleader.

Pray mostly that I will, in all of my marching and fist pumping, rest in God and know that I do what I do out of obedience to God but not because he needs me or my fundraising or my strengths, or my weaknesses. He just loves me enough to involve me in what He's doing.

What He's doing.

Got.To.Remember.

And so life marches on.

with...

Sundaes and cousins

School

Nurses

(We LOVE her. She's taken care of our baby for 2 years now, while he sleeps in the night, allowing us to sleep in the night. She's from Africa and was showing me how to sling a baby to your back with...a towel...it was what we had)

New glasses

New puppies (harder than new children, I am convinced)

New Birthdays (Haddon turned 4!)

Painting kitchen's

Trips to Museum's

Exploring

Learning

(Shep has taken to stealing the nursing gloves and trying to suction himself)

And receiving 30 pounds of coffee to sale to raise money for the adoption...

not like God needs it;)....

but it happens to be the best coffee I've ever had AND $5 from each bag goes directly to our adoption.

Have I said that before?

We were excited.

And just for a quick update on the adoption...

We are pursuing the adoption 2 ways.

1) Raise $20,000 (this includes travel and paperwork and processing the adoption for both Haiti and US). Once the money is raised we can process the adoption in country in a matter of days and bring our babies home.

2)Find a hospital and surgeon willing to care for M&M's eyes and receive a medical visa to bring them here. Once they are here, our hope is that we could process the adoption from the US. We will still need to raise the same amount of funds because they are literally all administrative costs.

We are pursuing both of these options. We currently have everything BUT the hospital commitment to get a medical visa. It's turned out to be super hard to get in touch with the right folks to get a commitment. IF they do commit to help, they may also require we pay out of pocket for their care before writing up a letter to permit a visa. In that case, we will need to raise the funds for their care.

Meanwhile, we continue to try and raise the funds for the adoption through any way we can think of.

But seeing as my brain is in semi-meltdown phase right now....blah.

That pretty much covers it!

I know I haven't always been completely clear on everything that's going on, so please feel free to ask questions.

I really am just running on fumes over here.

Just trying to actually figure this out, much less writing about it, so forgive me.

Our guest

2011-02-11T22:03:00.003-05:00

Tonight people gather in a living room not far away and listen to a man beaten down with life, filled up with life, speak of a place he loves, children he loves, a God he loves and a Saviour who loves him. And it never grows old to me. His life worn, pain smoothed words that speak of hope and redemption fill me with just that. I can hear him speak of pain, impossibility, love and forever sacrifice all day and all night and still I see the same thing…my Saviour and my God. And I am always reminded that my God is big enough to love the whole world well and most definitely big enough to love this silly girl.

When Noah came back from Haiti a week ago, he brought a very special friend with him. Our dear friend, Pastor Willio Joseph from Haiti, joined the team heading back to the states. He will stay here for 2 weeks, meeting with, talking with, and sharing with others his great love and compassion for the children and for Haiti.

It is a great honor to share this journey of the Christian life with friends such as these.

My boys have learned Haitian children's games and songs, played lots of soccer, and I'm pretty sure they will have to be comforted for days after uncle Willio leaves to go back to Haiti.

It has been a wonderful treat. Even if he does think he will die of hypothermia with his Caribbean blood in my apparently "freezing" house.

I know that we keep our thermostat at budget level, but poor Willio has resorted to wearing gloves and ear muffs while simply hanging out in the living room. It is really cracking me up.

But what can I say? The man is willing to sacrifice anything to get the word out that there are 43 children and a small island in the Caribbean that needs the rest of the worlds help.

I'll see if I can keep him from losing any major limbs to frost bite, at least.

ooh,oooh, pick me!!!

2011-01-17T15:40:00.007-05:00

So, after waiting all day with a little boy who was feeling so much better and perhaps even trying to devise plans for escape... Oh wait. Was that him or us?

Anyway.

He could be found waiting in the lobby,

looking for Daddy to pull around in our Suburban...

And it's possible that he expressed his feelings over being hospitalized with the face below...

Who knows?

What is sure is this.

With every day that goes by, I am more and more convinced that I have been given the honor of a lifetime.

It is to my utter delight that I have the opportunity to be a mother to these three beautiful boys. I feel uniquely honored with the gift of each child I've been given. They each bring into our family their own personhood and contribution. Each time I have been blessed with a child, I have waited with great anticipation to see what new and remarkable person God is going to bring into my life. I don't have particular preferences to what it all looks like.

I don't care if they grow up to be doctors or plumbers.

I don't particularly care if they are shy or outgoing, aggressive or passive, social or private, athletic or brainy...or none...or all...of the above.

That's not up to me.

I know that the shaping of an eternal soul into their intended selves is far too massive a job for this ant of a woman.

So I leave that up to God.

He's actually quite good at it.

Ok, so he's perfect at it.

Ok, so he never makes a mistake.

Ever.

Yet not everyone would agree.

Some children come "broken."

Not as we would have hoped.

It's true.

But look at him.

Really, look at him.

I would not change a thing about the remarkable creature you see in the picture above.

I'm not just trying to make myself feel better when I say

that being Shepherd Jeremiah Joyner's mom has been the honor of a lifetime.

In the early days of his diagnoses, as his health declined rapidly, I wept with disappointment.

Envy towards the unbroken filled my heart.

And I begged God to change this story.

That was almost two years ago, now.

And it's not that I have grown to enjoy what brokeness for my son means. I don't look forward to illnesses or eagerly anticipate future surgeries.

It's not that.

I still fear, I still long to see him grow and gain strength.

But I feel strongly that God has been teaching me about a beautiful, hidden, secret, kept from most on this earth.

Something many poeple will, sadly, live their whole lives ignorant of.

I'll give you a picture.

Recently I watched a documentary called "My Flesh and Blood" which takes you along for a day in the life of a single-mom from California, who has 13 children, 11 of which are children with special needs which she has chosen to adopt.

Yikes.

Wow.

Yeah, it is.

Amazing.

One scene, in particular, was so poignant.

It was this.

Mom bends down to gently pick up her 19 year old son out of his weelchair. He weighs 40 pounds. He has a terrible disease that is fatal. From birth, it causes the skin inside and outside the body to blister uncontrollably, leaving pussing,oozing sores at all times. He also has cancer. His sister died of the same disease last year.

And she gently bathes him. She does this 4 times a week. It takes 3 hours.

She tenderly carries him to the tub, then cradles his weak body,while she pours fresh water over his angry sores.

She bends over him, hovering like love itself. And she says,

"Imagine being drug behind a car, then taking a bath and having bleach water pored over you."

"This is what it's like for him every time, but we have to keep the infection away."

He peers up under heavy eyelids screaming with pain, his naked body scrunched meekly, while mom loves.

And the gratefulness found there is divine.

She labors.

He accepts.

Knowing she is his gift, given to him to live and be loved.

His need is great.

And her love is greater.

I watched this unfold and felt as thought I had been allowed to sneak backstage, peering at a divine scene.

There I was, naked and bloody and with so much pain,

and nothing I could do about it.

And there He was, naked and bloody,

cause he chose it.

On a cross.

It was the only way to heal me from this disease forever.

This soul-sick brokenness I was born with.

And he left perfection, where all was right, to come bath me in bleach water, then bandage up my brokeness.

And it is messy.

But my King is a humble King, full of compassion and servanthood.

So he didn't just wave the magic wand of Heaven over my life.

He left beauty for despair.

To join me here and carry me, day in and day out. To cry when I cry, catching each of my tears in a bottle, collecting them like the most valuable baseball card that has ever been.

And he holds me and carries me through this life,

and when it's all said and done, he gets nothing.

No purple heart, no reward. He does find pleasure, and it pleases him eternally to be my rescuer. It is his perfect plan.

But what have I really got to offer the King of Heaven that would pay him back or make it all worth his while?

Nothing.

It's this picture that captures it for me.

True vision.

True perspective.

I have never cared for anyone the way this mother cared for her son, day in and day out, without respite.

Honest truth? I know I can't.

I pitch a fit when I don't get to "punch the clock" at 6pm. And I've been doing this for almost 6 years.

I still love sleeping in,

to the point where I debate how terrible it would really be to just tuck a box of Cheerios under my covers and toss them in the direction of the screams.

I like time to myself more than most people I know.

And I simply don't get enough of it.

Can I get an Amen?

All that is to say,

don't get any crazy ideas about me,

dismissing my thoughts to my saintly nature.

(spit)

Puh-leeez.

I just know truth when I see it.

It rings deep in a place inside of me that was made for knowing it and living it.

My soul.

You have one just like it.

And it's these pictures that inspire me.

Everyone needs a little inspiration...or a lot.

We were made for that too.

And inspiration is what I got on March 28, 2009, when a 5 pound little boy made his way into this world, full of life and losing it all at the same time.

An honor, an inspiration, a joy, a gift, and more.

And when I say he's a gift, I don't mean the kind of gifts that we hope others get, cause they are so hard.

Not the "well, more power to ya" kind of gift.

But the kind of gift that I would knock people out of the way,rushing like a single lady trying to catch the bridal bouquet to sign up for.

Mean it.

What an honor that momma with 13 remarkable kiddos has. She gets to live a beautiful picture of God's whole hearted, sacrificial, fanatic love for us.

I want that.

For my life.

How many people? How many people called Christians? Have not even entertained the idea of caring for a child with special needs,on purpose?

It's one thing when they're born broken.

Watcha gonna do?

But choose that?!

I would. Now.

I didn't. Then.

But God graciously took the choice and made it for me.

And now I know.

And I pray I get the chance to do it again.

For me, that means I'll keep asking God to bring my son and daughter from Haiti home to us.

I actually get excited about taking care of my Haitian son, M, who is blind.

It's not because I think it will be easy or that I am even equipped or able to do it.

I'm totally not. Let's just be clear on that.

It is because my God has ventured out of the most "comfortable situation" anyone has ever experienced to care for this broken human.

So I can at least try.

He has promised to go with me.

I simply have seen what joy awaits for those who venture to see the hand of their God in what the world calls impossible, broken, ugly or worse...

unrewarding, a waste of time, not worthy of your efforts and investment.

So too many children wait in the foster care system or an orphanage, or a hospital, and many die alone.

Largely because they are broken and their need is so great.

It's so great that no one wants to even try to step into it.

Or perhaps those broken ones aren't good enough to risk coming in and messing up an orderly, perfect, predictable life with beautiful, healthy children.

What have they got to offer?

Much more than you can see with your temporal eyes.

Trust me.

Or better yet,

Trust Him.